Sleeping Havoc
by Aztec Goddess
Summary: People say you can feel magic in a kiss given by your true love . . . or it could just be an irritation to unwanted germs. Eventual: MariaxDenny, ScarxLust, JeanxO.o?
1. A Fairy Tale Beginning

Aztec Goddess: Sigh . . . back to happy humor! If you're a Scar fan, please don't let the beginning freak you out too much, okay?

Disclaimer: Read carefully because I do not want to bother posting this on every freakin' chapter – I do not own nor claim ownership of Full Metal Alchemist nor Sleeping Beauty nor any other familiar princess/fairy tales used here.

Timeline: This fic branches off from episode 18 so let us all pretend that Ed has not figured out Marcoh's notes yet and Scar is back on the streets of Central all fine and dandy . . . kinda.

* * *

A Fairy Tale Beginning

It stood in the middle of the street on a chilling wintry night; motionless, fearless. It was no human; its pieces creaked as the frosty wind nudged its yarn which whirled around its biggest component. What the hell was it? A spinning wheel, of course. Man fears the unknown, so naturally all the citizens of Central feared the spinning wheel. No one knew where it came from or who put it there. No one dared to ask questions – except for foreigners. The unluckiest foreigner of all was named Scar.

It was just like any other night for Scar, minding his own business, blowing the brains out of any State Alchemist that happened to pass by. However, he was, in fact, freezing his ass off since Ishbalans are not used to such cold weather. Then he came across the spinning wheel. "What the hell is this?" Scar asked himself as he examined the mystical object. It had a wheel, yet could not be driven. It had a huge needle, but nothing to poke. Scar was baffled. But the needle-like spindle – it was so beautiful; so warm and inviting. He had to touch it.

Alas, Scar pricked his finger on the spinning wheel and fell into a deep slumber. In the middle of the street. It was dark, so needless to say, cars ran over his unconscious body. Continuously. Yet the drivers were very careful in not even scratching the spinning wheel. But poor Scar lay there, sleeping through all the times wheels ripped through his jacket, making quite a mess.

The next day, Jean Havoc woke up bright and early to harass – I mean _greet_ – the cute flower girl he had his eyes on. In fact, he was so eager to see her that he decided to take a shortcut. As Jean rushed across the unfamiliar street, he tripped over something odd. He scraped his knee so he sat in the middle of the street, hissing for a while. "Damn, that hurt! The day hasn't even started and it's already –" But Jean was interrupted be a disturbing sight: Scar's battered body.

Jean screamed like a little girl and tried his best to move away, but then he tripped over something else. The spinning wheel. It enchanted him. Jean heard a soft voice saying, "Touch it . . . touch it." Did the voice mean the spindle? Jean knew it had to be dangerous since there were drops of blood in it, so he turned away. But then the voice came back, louder than before: "Don't resist it . . . Touch it!" By then, Jean was completely under some sort of spell. His eyes turned cloudy and his body moved on its own accord. He had to touch it.

"No, don't!" the voice said, louder than ever. It was Cain Fury the entire time. "Resist it! I told you not to touch it, Havoc!" He came running to Jean's side, but it was too late. Alas, Jean pricked his finger on the spinning wheel and fell into a deep slumber. Since Cain did not want his friend to suffer the same punishment as Scar, he dragged Jean to the safety of the sidewalk. A car zoomed by not long thereafter, running over Scar's already critically damaged body.

Cain sighed of relief. "Whoa, that was close. But poor Scar; someone should check if he's alright." Then it dawned upon him. "Hey, that's the guy that's been killing the State Alchemists! Everyone will be so proud of me if I bring him back to HQ! Isn't that right, Havoc? . . . Havoc?"

Jean Havoc was still sound asleep on the sidewalk. Cain groaned. He was too little to drag both the sleeping bodies to HQ and since he had no money to use a phone booth, he was pretty much stuck making two trips. And so Cain grabbed hold of Jean's legs and dragged him all the way to HQ. By the time they made it to Roy's office, Jean looked just as bad as Scar.

"Holy crap!" Roy yelled at Cain. "What the hell did you do to Havoc? You saw him kick a dog or something?"

"No . . ." Cain started. "And if you think _he_ looks bad, wait 'til you see Scar–"

"Oh, wow. I didn't know you were so violent," Roy said as he backed off a little, clearly terrified.

"It's not like that!" Cain tried to explain as he carefully laid Jean down on the carpet. "Scar and Havoc –" He was interrupted by the door swinging wide open. It was Riza Hawkeye.

"Colonel Mustang, it's been confirmed!" Riza exclaimed to Roy. "The battered body people have spotted on the street next to the spinning wheel is Scar!"

"And guess what!" Roy cried dramatically. "Cain Fury is the one who beat the crap out of him _and_ Havoc!"

"No, you guys–" Cain tried to start, but was interrupted again.

"No way!" Riza gasped. Then she lowered her gaze to the floor. Jean's motionless body laying in the middle of the room had her completely convinced Roy's misunderstanding was correct. "Fury, this is unacceptable!"

"But –" Cain tried again.

"No buts about it," Roy butted in. "I'm gonna have to put you on probation for endangering the life of an officer that outranks you."

Cain was pissed. "Can you two just shut up and listen to me for a second!" he screeched. Roy and Riza cowered in fear, so Cain continued: "The only reason Havoc looks so beat up is because I had to drag him here. He pricked his finger on the spinning wheel and fell asleep. Scar, too."

"Oh. I suppose that makes sense," Roy said. Then he thought over the entire situation. ". . . Wait, no it doesn't! People don't fall asleep because they poke themselves on a spinning wheel! Fury, for attempting to lie to your superior, you're–"

"Hold on a minute, Colonel," Riza said. "I've heard about such incidents." She spoke in a deathly serious tone. "Many years ago, and evil alchemist created a cursed spinning wheel. Whoever pricked their finger on its dangerously sharp spindle would fall into a deep slumber, never to be awakened again. Some believers have wasted their entire lives searching for this spinning wheel, but it looks like it came to us. And Havoc has become one of its victims."

Roy was not amused. "Wow, what a load of crap."

Cain, on the other hand, was taking the situation as seriously as Riza was. "I've heard that story, too! When I was little . . . So, is Havoc dead?" he asked, fearing the worst. If this was true, then he was dragging around a dead guy! A sudden chill crept up Cain's spine.

"No, he's asleep at the moment," Riza explained. "But he can only stay asleep for so long until his body starts eating itself. Then he'll die . . . We may only have a few days."

"For what?" Roy asked, looking rather bored. "Won't a swift kick in the groin wake him up?"

Cain shook his head. "That wouldn't work. He didn't even flinch on the way here."

"If I remember correctly . . ." Riza mused, "the curse _can_ be broken . . . with a kiss by his true love."

The trio had a moment of silence looking down at Jean. Riza had a distant look on her face as if trying to come up with a different conclusion. Cain was a little frightened and terribly worried. Roy, however, was suppressing his laughter, until it was too much for him. "Ha! True love? Havoc?" he laughed. "Those two just don't mix! Havoc falls in love with anyone with big–" He realized Cain was still in the room. "–_eyes_." Roy could not say what he was really thinking since Cain looks so young and innocent.

Riza narrowed her eyes at Roy, knowing exactly what he almost said. "It seems as though you and Havoc have much in common, Colonel. So, what do you propose we do now? We _are_ going to help him, right?"

"Well . . ." Roy said. "It sounds like it's going to be hard . . ."

"Hey, what if this happens to you?" Fury cried. "You'd want us to help, right?"

"Of course, but . . ." Roy scratched his head as he searched for the right words. "It's not very obvious as to who Havoc's true love is. And how do we even know if all this is true?"

"We could at least try . . ."

"I'm with Fury on this one," Riza said. Then she remembered something important and gasped. "The spinning wheel is still out there for more people to fall victim to it! We must bring it here immediately! . . . Scar, too!"

* * *

Jean Havoc fell asleep on Monday, 7:30 AM – Total Time Asleep: 0 days, 0 hours, 30 minutes.

Scar fell asleep on Sunday, 11:00 PM – Total Time Asleep: 0 days, 9 hours, 0 minutes.

Aztec Goddess: The above information is, of course, a rough estimation. So, has this fic caught anyone's interest?


	2. The Ordeal Begins

Aztec Goddess: Hm, I was planning on spelling the names the official way, but I really prefer certain spellings so, yeah. Some kisses here, no romance.

Timeline: No time has passed since the last chapter.

* * *

The Ordeal Begins

Riza and Cain rushed towards the door to tell the others about Scar and the spinning wheel. But then Roy called out, "Halt, both of you! Let's just get one little thing out of the way." Roy glanced amusingly at Riza, who gave him a confused look. "First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, I order you to kiss Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc," he said in a professional voice.

"What?" Riza screeched. "What for? There's no way I'm his true love! That's . . . that's just not possible!"

"As a female and an acquaintance of Havoc, you _are_ liable to being his true love," Roy replied. "Besides, you agreed on helping him." Then he turned to Cain. "Cover your eyes, Fury. You're too young to see this."

"How young do you think I am?" Cain asked. Last time he checked, he was at least twenty.

"Fine, be that way," Roy pouted as he took a camera out of his desk drawer. He threw it at Cain, who barely caught it. "You'll take the picture then!"

"What!" Riza screeched again.

"Think of how happy Havoc will be when he wakes up to proof that dozens of girls have kissed him!" Roy declared. "Remember, we're doing this for him. So, you might as well get it over with, Hawkeye." He gave her a triumphant grin.

Riza shot a death glare at the perverted Colonel. But she knew she had to do it. She kneeled herself next to Jean, lowered her face to his, and took a deep breath. Cain was a tad fearful that Riza would hunt him down for taking a picture, but before he knew it, _click_. The deed was done. Riza had her lips pressed against Jean's for as tolerable as possible, then she shot back up for air and wiped her mouth. "Cigarettes!" she spat in disgust.

"He didn't wake up . . ." Cain mused.

First, Roy was shocked. But then he immediately commenced to laugh his ass off. "Oh my God, Hawkeye! I was only kidding, but – hahaha! You actually do believe that stupid fairy tale!"

Riza stood herself right up in front of Roy and slapped him across the face. "Believe it or not, this is a serious matter, Colonel. Havoc's life is at stake and it is our duty to make sure this does not happen to anyone else." She glared Roy down to submission.

"Okay, okay, I'll do all I can to help," Roy said, thinking up some orders. "Hawkeye, tend to the spinning wheel and Scar. I suppose we can lock them both up in a vacant room. Fury, go clean Havoc up and dress him up nice. He's got a big day ahead of him. And I'll make some phone calls to any and all the females here Havoc has ever seen."

Riza saluted and headed out the door to fulfill her orders. Cain whined, grabbed Jean's legs again and dragged him out. Roy plopped down on his chair and spun around on it for a while, squealing with joy. "This is going to be fun!" Then he laughed again. "Stupid fairy tale. Well, I might as well start making the calls." And so he picked up his phone and had a nice chat with a nurse.

While Roy was having a great time taking all this as a joke, Riza came across some problems. Scar and the spinning wheel attracted a lot of attention throughout the day. Traffic became horrible as too many citizens gathered around the odd view. Maria Ross and Denny Brosh were also present, trying to calm the people down and return them to minding their own business.

"Nothing to see here, people," Denny said while trying to push some citizens off the street. "It's just that one Ishbalan who's been killing State Alchemists and a mystical spinning wheel that seems to be part of that Sleeping Beauty story."

"You idiot," Maria retorted as she whacked her partner upside the head. Needless to say, the citizens became rowdier than ever. They pushed their way through Denny and Maria and all ran to get their hands on the spinning wheel. But before they reached it, a gunshot rang through the street. Everyone turned to see Riza standing not too far from them with her gun pointed in the air.

"Move away from the spinning wheel," Riza ordered the others. "It is now property of the military. Reinforcements will soon come to pick it up."

"What about Scar?" Maria asked.

"Him too, but . . . I'm not sure what's going to happen to him."

The citizens gasped. Then they started saying stuff like: "They're gonna put him to death!" "But Scar has the right to a fair trial!" "They're denying it! Those bastards!" "Let's revolt against the military!" Any sign of peace was drowned away by cars honking, people booing, and Riza trying to get their attention by shooting in the air.

"People, calm down!" Riza yelled. "I assure you, if Scar dies, it won't be our fault! But are you people forgetting that he's a _wanted criminal_!" Well, that shut everyone up.

Then a little girl spoke up. "But still . . . you can't just let him die. That's evil!"

Riza's face softened. She told the girl, "Don't worry – we'll do all we can to help him." Then she inaudibly mumbled, "Oh, crap," as she realized this meant another _sleeping beauty_ to worry about. But at least the citizens calmed down and let the military take the spinning wheel and Scar back to HQ in peace.

However, many of the citizens were not reassured that no harm would come to Scar. What made them care so suddenly? This is just part of being human – the love of making the jobs of others as difficult as possible. The military could only hope tension would not rise. They had as much control over this as they had control over Jean's true love is.

Where was Jean during this time, you wonder? Well, Cain was ordered to clean and dress him. But that was a completely different ordeal, so enough said. "This is _not_ part of the job," Cain whined as he carefully dragged the cleaned and tuxedo-wearing Jean back to Roy's office. All the female nurses were there, talking to Roy, giggling and acting all girly. "Um, excuse me," Cain interrupted them. He needed help sitting Jean up on one of the couches. Two of the nurses went out of their way to help him.

"Goodness, what's wrong with mister Havoc?" a nurse asked.

"Oh, that's right. I almost forgot!" Roy said. "I'm not quite sure how to explain Havoc's illness, so I won't. But apparently, he'll wake up if the right person kisses him. So, if it's not too much trouble for you girls, form a line and take turns kissing him. Fury will be taking pictures."

The nurses knew there was something odd about Roy's orders, so one of them asked, "What do _we_ get in return?"

"Something really good!" Roy chimed.

All the nurses perked up. "Really? You mean we're gonna . . . ?" a nurse asked.

"Yeah."

"As much as we want?" another one asked.

"Of course!"

"All of us together?" another nurse asked happily.

"Wouldn't want it any other way," Roy replied with a smile. "We're all going to the all-you-can-eat buffet down the street! You can come too, Fury!" All the nurses cheered with glee and formed a line in front of Jean.

"Okay . . ." Cain answered, not quite sure what had just happened. He took out the camera and positioned himself to take the pictures. One after another, the nurses kissed Jean full on the lips and each time absolutely nothing happened. Almost immediately after they finished, Riza, Maria, and Denny entered the room to tell Roy what had happened.

"We've successfully maintained Scar and the spinning wheel," Riza reported.

"They're at the main entrance right now," Maria explained. "We're looking for a place to store them."

"Um, why are all the nurses here?" Denny asked. "What if someone gets really hurt or sick right now?"

"Too bad for them!" Roy replied. "Hawkeye and Fury have me completely convinced that waking Havoc up is our top priority now." He stared amusingly at Maria. "So, Lieutenant Maria Ross, I see you're a girl. And I'm sure you're familiar with that unconscious gentleman over there." Maria just stared at Roy, a bit disturbed, which made him enjoy what he said next even more: "I order you to kiss Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc!"

"What!" Maria and Denny screeched in unison. Maria quickly glanced at Denny, which made him look the other way. Everyone that knows Denny knows he had a huge crush on Maria, but he had yet to admit it. Mainly just to see Denny's reaction, Maria say to Roy, "I really don't want to part of your little game, but since you're the Colonel, I suppose this is the right thing to do." Denny was too shocked to reply.

Maria had no clue that Roy was not joking, so she found herself utterly dumbstruck in front of Jean as the others gathered around in great interest. Seeing Cain with a camera at the ready was enough to make to make Maria go ballistic, but she was trapped. Denny was too overwhelmed to watch. The saying goes _you snooze, you loose_, but Jean was receiving a kiss by his true love for being asleep! Where is the justice in that?

Maria's face inched closer to Jean's, but then she stopped. "May I ask for the reason behind this?" she asked.

Cain answered, "Havoc pricked his finger on the spinning wheel. Now the only way to wake him up is a kiss by his true love." He had a pretty good idea on what Maria was going to say next, so he added, "We don't want to take any chances, so even if you believe you can't be it, do it just in case."

"I'll take you to that buffet!" Roy added.

"Oh, okay then!" Maria said. Denny was crushed. He found himself a corner to sulk in. Even though the kiss, the click, and the flash from the camera lasted only a second, several agonizing eternities passed in Denny's mind. He could not even care when the door suddenly swung open and hit him.

The librarian Sheska clumsily made her way past the door as she balanced a ton of papers stacked on her palms and arms. Naturally, she tripped over the carpet and all the papers went flying. Roy's office soon looked like a winter wonderland, but the mess did not put him in good spirit. "What's all this?" he asked, expecting it to be all the paperwork he never did throughout the years.

"It's what you called for earlier today," Sheska said while starting to pile the papers back up. Cain helped her. "This is the list of all the young women Jean Havoc could have ever met! They're all here – I'm sure of it!"

"Oh . . . crap, that's a lot," Roy mused. "Sheska, I'm assigning you a very important job: you're the checklist girl! So, after you kiss Havoc, you can check off the names of all the girls in this room, okay?"

". . . Excuse me?" Sheska asked.

"You should just get it over with," Cain suggested.

"But, um, wait!" Sheska declared. "I read the fine print, and me working here does not give you the right to associate me with Jean Havoc! Those were the exact words!"

"Really? It says that?" Roy asked, looking quite amazed.

Sheska shrugged. "It's not like you'll ever check." Then she slapped her forehead. "Aw, I shouldn't have said that! Forget what I said, okay? I'm telling you I'm one hundred percent sure the contract I signed–"

"Wow, you're a terrible liar," Roy said to Sheska, then pointed to Jean. "Kiss him or else you're banned from the library, you bookworm!"

"But I'm the librarian–"

"Don't make me look stupid! Kiss him already!"

Sheska groaned. "My life's a horribly-written love story." She was about to share her first kiss with a man she had no affection for and was asleep at the moment. But she knew the sooner it was over, the sooner she could get over it. And so Sheska made her way to Jean, abandoning the papers for the moment, and gave him a swift kiss. Cain captured the moment on camera, and not surprisingly, Jean did not wake up.

"You know what I think?" Roy said. "Freakin' Havoc's too picky!" Then he shrugged. "Oh, well. Sheska, stay here with Havoc. I called Full Metal earlier to round up some girls, so they should be coming soon. Be very careful on not making any mistakes on the checklist, okay? The rest of us are going out to eat, as promised. I'm paying!" All the nurses cheered again.

"But then who's gonna take the pictures?" Cain asked.

"Um, Denny Brosh over there!" Roy pointed to the still sulking Denny in the corner. Cain handed Denny the camera. "It doesn't look like he's leaving anytime soon. So, with that taken care of, let's go!"

The nurses stampeded out of the room first, followed by Roy, Cain, Maria, and finally Riza. She caught up to Roy and said, "Colonel, what do you think you're doing? This is highly unprofessional!"

"What are you talking about, Hawkeye? We need a break from all the work we're putting in on this case! Plus, I'm sure Havoc would have wanted this!" Roy stuck to that belief.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 0 days, 3 hours, 15 minutes 

Scar – 0 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Yep, Scar's still alive. And there are literally thousands of girls on the list, but it's not like I'm gonna go into details on all the kisses. This fic is mainly about what all the other characters are gonna have to go through to help Havoc. Little Ed debuts next, and I doubt his luck has changed since my last fics.


	3. Off Course

Aztec Goddess: And sure enough, Ed starts off with the worst luck ever. I just don't like making things too easy for him – that'll be boring!

Timeline: The events here take place during those in the previous chapter.

* * *

Off Course

Edward Elric woke up only a little later than usual but he looked absolutely terrible. He hardly slept at all last night for trying too hard to decipher Marcoh's notes. They were simply impossible to make sense of. Ed tried to do exactly what the cookbook-like notes told him to do and he found himself making a lightly sweetened meat casserole – which he enjoyed, but it led him no nearer to making the philosopher's stone. His brother Alphonse gave the notes a shot too and ended up with a soup that smelled like ammonia, so they just threw it away.

At approximately 8:30 in the morning, a phone call woke Ed up. The ringing made Ed fall off the couch he slept on. He banged his head on the side of the table facing the couch; he fell hard on his automail arm, fracturing a small part of it, and an ugly bruise formed on his stomach from the impact. As the phone rang again, Ed sneezed. "Great," he mumbled as he sat up and rubbed his head and stomach. "What an awesome way to start things off." Then he picked up the phone. It was Roy.

"Good morning, Full Metal," Roy said, sounding awfully cheerful. Ed grumbled in response. "I have many calls to make today, so I'm only going to tell you this once: I need you to go around the city and bring as many women as possible to my office, okay?"

Ed was still half asleep, so he was very suggestible. "Okay, whatever you say, Dad," he slurred. Then his eyes widened. "Wait! _Dad_? Where the hell have you been? And what kind of stupid order is _that_ to give your freakin' son? Where's your office?"

"Um . . . It's me, Colonel Roy Mustang."

"Screw you! Put my dad back on the line!"

Al became alert. "You're talking to _Dad_, brother?"

"Wake up, Full Metal," Roy said, sounding amused. "I have just assigned you a very important mission. I'll make your quota, oh . . . at least a hundred women today."

Ed was barely starting to comprehend the situation. ". . . Why the hell do you want women – ah! Don't involve me in these kinds of things!"

Roy softly chuckled. "You _little_ pervert; you have it all wrong! I'm doing this for Havoc!" Realizing that he had made the situation sound even more wrong, Roy quickly added, "You'll see when you get here." Then he hung up.

Ed instinctively put the phone back in place, stood all the way up, and stretched. Then he suddenly realized Roy called him little, so he pounced on his brother and screamed in rage, "Did you hear what that stupid Colonel said!"

"Is it about Dad?" Al guessed rather calmly.

"Yes!" Ed exaggerated. "He said Dad's looking for us, but since I'm too damned _tiny_, he can't find us!" He jumped off his brother. "But you know what? I don't care!" Ed had regained full composure. "And also . . . Mustang wants me to round up some girls in his office . . . for Havoc."

Al was a bit stunned. ". . . Are you sure you didn't misinterpret anything?"

Ed started eating the leftover meat casserole – which was cold, but he did not care. "It doesn't matter. At least this is something I'm sure I can accomplish." He was bitter due to his failure to decipher Marcoh's notes. And it also happened to be his birthday, and not even Al had said a thing. Oh, the poorly-written anguish!

Anyway, after Ed finished his breakfast, showered, dressed, and took some time to complain about the bruise he just perceived, he and Al went out to fulfill Roy's orders. But they were as prepared as newborn monkeys trying to reenact a Shakespearean play. Ed tried confronting some women he found walking along the sidewalk and plainly told them, "The Colonel needs you ladies in his office." Naturally, the women punched Ed to the ground, threatened him they would sue for sexual harassment, and ran away.

Al helped his brother back up to his feet and mused, "I think we need a plan, brother."

"I don't think we have time to make one," Ed replied as he rubbed his eye, which is where one of the women's' fists went. "Roy's expecting a hundred women today. Maybe we should split up and take up half the work each."

"Okay . . ." Al replied. He knew there was something odd about his brother that day, but he could not quite get it, so he just shrugged it off and went the opposite direction Ed went.

Meanwhile at Lab 5, Envy, Lust, and Gluttony had waited all night for Ed to come over to make the philosopher's stone after he was supposed to figure out the secret ingredient, but he obviously never did. The homunculi were awfully tired for staying up all night, but mostly pissed off. Their plans were ruined!

"We might have expected too much from the Full Metal Alchemist," Lust yawned. The three homunculi were heading over to where the prisoners were kept to check up on them. Dead ingredients would be most undesirable.

"I knew he'd be too stupid," Envy spat. "How can it take any decent alchemist this long to figure out the secret ingredient?"

Lust stopped for a moment, so Gluttony did too. Envy turned back to them with a questionable look. "You have a point, Envy," Lust said. "Maybe Edward is being distracted by something. There's no way he couldn't have figured out if he was really working on them."

"You think I should pay him a visit to keep him on course?" Envy suggested. An evil grin spread across his face as he thought of ways to greet Ed for the first time. First impressions are always very crucial.

Lust nodded. "But remember, you can't kill him." Envy waved them off and left. Lust and Gluttony continued their way to the prisoners, but as soon as they reached the door – _boom!_ Something like an explosive went off. The ground quaked violently as the sound of shattering glass, breaking floor, and screaming men rang through the air. "What the . . ."

Before Lust was able to turn the knob, the door opened on its own. One of the prisoners casually walked out; Zolf J. Kimblee. Lust, already in a horrible mood, yelled at him, "What the hell do you think you're doing!"

Zolf blinked innocently at Lust. "I was very patient with you guys," he said. "But whatever you're trying to do is taking too long. And I'm kinda starving to death, so I'm leaving now, okay?" And as if it was no big deal, Zolf strolled right past the homunculi and started to leave. Lust was dumbstruck. Gluttony was hungry.

"I'm starving, too," Gluttony pouted as he stood idly with Lust and watched Zolf walk away. Then he stuck a finger in his mouth, thinking that would keep his stomach from growling.

Lust hid her face in her hands, embarrassed for herself, her allies, everything she believes in, and possibly even for that cat down the street she slaughtered. "How did this turn out so badly?" she groaned. Then her hands went back down to her sides and she clenched her fists. "Wait a minute! That prisoner must have been an alchemist – I'll get _him_ to make the stone instead!" She turned to Gluttony. "Go check on the other prisoners. I'll be back soon."

Gluttony did as he was told. But when he entered the room where the prisoners were held, he only found a huge hole on the floor and absolutely no prisoners. This baffled Gluttony. "Where could they be hiding?" he wondered as he searched what little was left of the room. But poor Gluttony never found the prisoners. He felt like crying back to Lust, but he did not know where she went.

Lust was sneakily following Zolf around, waiting for the perfect moment to come at him. Before she knew it, they found themselves in a dead end and she felt some weird vibes in the room. Zolf scratched his head and mumbled, "Okay, now I'm lost." He turned to face Lust. "So are you going to help or did you come along just for the thrill of stalking me?"

"Don't flatter yourself," Lust snapped back. But that weird feeling she got in the room bothered her too much to come up with anything else to say. She knew things were going to get worse.

Zolf gave her an odd look. "What?" he asked. Then they heard some shuffling in the darkness. The noise grew louder; then stopped suddenly. Then breathing could be heard. A man walked up to them; Greed.

"Are either of you familiar with the jackass who sealed me?" Greed politely asked.

Zolf shrugged. Lust backed away, looking a little worried. "You're Greed . . ." she said.

"Yeah, and who are you? And what are you doing here/" Greed was not expecting full answers, but Lust actually went into details.

"I'm Lust, a homunculus like yourself. I'm here to get that alchemist over there to make the philosopher's stone by first tricking him into thinking he needs it. And now that you're awake, you should be obligated to help or I'll attack you when you least expect it."

Greed raised an eyebrow at Lust. "Wow. That was awfully special of you."

Lust, realizing what she had said, slapped herself on the forehead. "Damn it . . . I really don't do well without sleep."

"That's nice," Greed commented. "But now that I know your plans, I have no choice but to ruin them. In conclusion, that alchemist over there will not be going with you."

Lust held out an arm and attacked Greed. Her nails extended and dashed to pierce through Greed's face, but since he expected something like that, he put up his ultimate shield. Lust's nails bent painfully on contact of Greed's altered flesh, but she fought the urge to cringe. "You're so mean," she pouted. She retracted her nails.

"_You're_ the one trying to start a fight," Greed replied as his face turned back to normal. "_I'm_ the noble one trying to save that alchemist from a horrible fate."

"That alchemist is coming with me." Lust's voice was stern.

The two homunculi glared each other down, waiting for the other to make a move. But then Zolf broke through the heavy atmosphere by giggling like a schoolgirl. He got funny looks from Greed and Lust. "What?" Zolf asked. "We're all complete strangers here and yet you two are fighting over me! I think that's cute." He smiled at himself, feeling very proud. But then he frowned, remembering how hungry he was.

Back in the streets of Central, the Full Metal Alchemist was fighting a losing battle. He had yet to get a single female to agree to go to Roy's office. Yes, without a doubt, this birthday could not possibly get any worse . . . Yeah right!

Ed needed a break, and he somehow got the bright idea that a dark alley would be a nice place to take one. Once he sat down against a wall, he noticed that his automail arm was not reacting as quickly as usual. Some parts were loose. "Damn. Winry's gonna kill me," Ed sighed.

"Not before I do!" a voice above Ed called out. Envy came out of seemingly nowhere. He jumped Ed, making him fall flat on the ground. Envy straddled Ed's stomach and had a fist up, threatening to punch Ed's face in. "You should have been at Lab 5 last night!" Envy hissed. "What the hell happened?"

Ed was speechless. You would be too if a man in a sports bra and skort jumps and straddles you.

"Answer me!" Envy yelled, clenching his fist even harder. "You think you're too good for the philosopher's stone now? Not with_ your_ blood!"

Ed felt like he was in deep shit. His automail arm had already completely stopped working. "What are you saying?" Ed started. ". . . You know how to make the philosopher's stone?"

Envy looked even more pissed, but his fist lessened. "Looks like you're already been beaten up. Pathetic." He jumped off of Ed. "And of course I know how to make the stone. We expected you to figure that out already, but you're too retarded, aren't you?" He gave Ed a smug smile.

Ed stood back up and backed off a little. He did not reply.

Then Envy's face brightened in happy surprise. He walked up to Ed and patted his head. "You really are a shorty! I'm gonna call you nene!"

Ed bit down on his tongue to not blurt out those weird things he always says about his height. He did not want to piss off the stranger in a skort. "What do you want?" Ed managed to ask without sounding too deliriously angry.

"We need you to make the philosopher's stone," Envy replied. "If you really haven't figured it out yet, the secret ingredient is–"

"No! Don't tell me!" Ed yelled. He was only able to cover one of his ears because his automail arm would not move. "I'm not retarded – I'll figure it out on my own as soon as I have the time for it!"

Envy narrowed his eyes at Ed. "But I can tell you right now."

Ed defiantly shook his head. "If you tell me, then I'll refuse to make the stone! . . . But I'm too busy for that right now."

"Why?"

"I'm on a mission, and it'll probably take a while."

Envy sighed and thought for a moment. ". . . I guess I have to help you then. I wouldn't want whatever it is to take longer than it has to."

Ed did not know what to think. "Really? You're here to _help_?"

Envy gave him a toothy smile. "Consider it your birthday present!"

* * *

Jean Havoc – unchanged

Scar – unchanged

Aztec Goddess: Will Ed's birthday get better or worse? And what about all the other characters not mentioned yet? And will any of them ever wonder who the hell put the spinning wheel on the street? Hmm . . . well, some questions will be answered next time! Oh, and "nene" is pretty much the same as "chibi-san" if you didn't know that already.


	4. Little Progress

Aztec Goddess: I wonder how it's like to be a sleeping beauty. The last time I ever slept during the day, I couldn't even walk yet!

Timeline: About an hour after the previous chapter has passed.

* * *

Little Progress

_Click!_ Denny sniffled as he pushed the button on the camera for the umpteenth time. He was still devastated due to Maria kissing Jean, and now he had to deal with the fact that Roy was treating her to a nice lunch. And to add insult to injury, he was being forced to take pictures of several other women kissing Jean.

"Ah, slow down!" Sheska pleaded as she endlessly searched through the huge list of names, making as sure as possible that she never checked off the wrong one. A seemingly infinite amount of women were flowing into Roy's office as if kissing a sleeping man was the hottest new trend. But when they left, they had a disappointed look on their face.

Al whispered to Sheska, "I told them that whoever wakes mister Havoc up will win a ton of money. Is that okay?"

Sheska was completely stressed. "Gah! It's not Kelly – it's Nelly! Where are the N's?" She searched frantically, throwing some papers around, then screamed again when she noticed some anonymous women were already leaving. "No! Please, _please_ help me find your own names here for goodness sake!"

Denny threw himself at Sheska and started to cry. "I ran out of film again!"

Sheska immediately threw Denny off but she felt like crying, too. "L's, M's, where's N? Al, please help mister Brosh! The film's in one of the drawers. N's . . ." She was still trying to look for that certain name.

Al looked through a drawer and found a new role of film. He handed it to the crying Denny. "Um, I know it's sad to run out of things, but . . ."

"It's not just this," Denny sniffled. "Everything's going wrong today!" He took the old film out, put it in his pocket, and put in the new one. Then he went back to taking pictures.

"Oh no! This goes alphabetically by _last_ name!" Sheska wailed. That was when she cried. "She didn't give me her last name . . ."

Al knew he needed to do something, but he did not know what. "Um, excuse me, ladies," he tried to get their attention. But no one heard him through all the wailing and squeals of hopefulness to get a ton of money. Some of the women that could not wake Jean up were crying, too. It was all like an overdramatic game show gone horribly wrong.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Sheska screamed at the top of her lungs. Lucky for her, everyone heard. She took a deep breath and continued, "Will everyone leave now? If you haven't gotten a chance to kiss the sleeping beauty, please come by later."

The horde of women gradually began to leave. Once the last one was checked off, Al helped her out quickly and locked the door. Sheska commenced to stack the papers in order. Denny was still crying. And Jean had showed absolutely no improvement.

"How many was that?" Al asked Sheska. "Brother needed at least a hundred."

Sheska laughed a crazy little laugh. "Al, that was at the very least four hundred and . . . something women kissing mister Havoc in the last hour." After realizing what she just said, Sheska added, "Oh, wow, that's got to be unhealthy."

"Your brother?" Denny asked as he wiped his eyes. "I haven't seen him come by here all day."

Al had just realized that, too. He gasped. "Where could he be? . . . Maybe he's mad at us."

"Why do you think that?" Sheska asked.

". . . What if he thinks we forgot . . .?"

Damn right Ed was pissed! And that was why Ed decided to ditch his duties and try to enjoy his day. He was hungry, so he decided to treat himself and Envy, the only person who mentioned it was his birthday, to a certain restaurant down the street. It was at that all-you-can-eat buffet with Envy that Ed discovered his new favorite hobby: talking shit about people!

Ed angrily stabbed a piece of his steak with a fork. "And that bastard Roy Mustang," Ed spat. "He's not all that great; he can't do crap in the rain – like a freakin' cat!" He began to devour the steak and Envy just watched, amused at how the nene gets when he is angry. "And he's an ass; thinking he can make me follow all of his stupid commands. Y'know, in a perfect world, he'd get hit by a bus!"

Envy laughed at this. And he was a bit surprised that he was actually enjoying hearing all of Ed's rants. It was Envy's turn, so he started, "Okay, there's this bitch called Lust I have to work with. She acts like she can get away with anything; probably 'cause her boobs hang out. And I dunno how the hell she runs so fast in those high heels–"

"Does she hide from a man in a purple suit?" Ed asked, quite amused.

Envy thought for a moment with a smile on his face. "Not sure; gotta check on that. But, heh, that _would_ explain a lot!" He took a bite from his chicken wing and motioned for Ed to continue.

Ed bit off half a loaf of bread, chugged his drink, then continued, "Jean Havoc. He's a smoker, so he smells like crap – and he wonders why girls can't stand him. He's the guy I'm supposed to be _helping_. I bet all this is nothing but an elaborate way to get a girl to sleep with him. He's desperate like that."

Envy finished his drink. "Maybe I should introduce Lust to him then! I bet she's not picky. Oh, and she's the one who wants the philosopher's stone, not me. I couldn't care less."

Ed finished up every last bite of his banquet. "Just wondering . . . if you know how to make the stone, then why don't you?"

Envy just stared at Ed for a while. Should he explain that he is a homunculus? Should he tell Ed who "created" him? The answers should be simple. But as soon as he opened his mouth to reply, a certain new customer came to their table.

"Full Metal? What are you doing here?" It was Roy. The others that came with him were either at their tables or already getting their own food. Roy stared at Envy, who glared back. "On a date with a girl? Hmm, you've got odd taste."

Envy narrowed his eyes at Roy. "I'm a man."

Roy was taken aback. He looked at Envy from head to foot and asked, "Are you sure? Oh, wow, Full Metal I'm–"

"He's just a new acquaintance," Ed snapped. "And so far, he's the only one who knows WHAT DAY IT IS!"

". . . Eh?" Roy started. Then his eyes widened at the realization. He gasped. "I almost forgot! Today's Elysia's birthday! I'll never hear the end of it from Hughes if I don't get his daughter a present. Thank you for reminding me!"

Ed slapped his forehead with his only working hand. He was about to say that it was _his _birthday too, but then Roy interrupted, "I expect to see you at Hughes' house this evening. And that's an order you better follow." Roy looked dead serious. Then he walked away and started getting his own food.

Envy was disappointed. "You're not gonna do anything?" he asked Ed.

Ed slammed his open hand against the table out of anger, got up, and said, "Let's just leave."

"What?" Envy was starting to get angry again. "You suck, nene! And they said you wouldn't be useless!"

Ed was offended, but mostly confused. "Eh? Who are you anyway?"

Envy ignored Ed's question and said, "You're as stupid as I though." He stood up from the table and began to leave. "Next time I see you, you better have figured out the notes."

Ed could only stare dumbly at Envy leaving. Maybe Envy wanted him to be confused or maybe he wanted him to think he wanted him to be confused. Either way, Ed was . . . befuddled. Roy came by and decided to join Ed at staring dumbly. "Wow, that was fast," Roy commented. "Maybe you should give girls a chance."

Ed glared at Roy. "You're so freakin' lucky my automail arm isn't working."

As she walked by with a bowl of ice cream, Riza said, "You're not allowed to meddle into a coworker's personal life, Colonel."

"I'm not meddling, I'm helping!" Roy declared. Then he gave Ed a serious look again. "I better see you at Hughes' house this evening, no later than 6:00 PM." After getting a startled look by Ed, Roy chased after Riza because he knew she was mad. Poor Ed was left alone, not knowing what to think.

Roy was apologizing to Riza all the way back to their table, even though he was not quite sure what he was sorry for. He simply could not stand women being mad at him. That made no sense to him.

"Don't you think you're being too cruel?" Riza said. She sat herself next to Cain so Roy could not sit by her and started eating her dessert. "He probably thinks we don't know."

"So what's the problem?" Roy asked. But their conversation was cut short by some of the nurses pleading Roy to help them choose the perfect lunch. And so Roy was whisked away to the food area. Naturally, this angered Riza. She swallowed a huge spoonful of ice cream but allowed herself to shiver only a little. But then she got a brain freeze.

"Um, you okay?" Cain asked.

"What happened just now?" Maria asked. She was sitting across from Cain and still on her first plate.

Riza sighed as she rubbed her forehead. "There are too many things to worry about right now."

"Yeah," Cain agreed. He pushed around the food left on his plate with his fork. "This whole _sleeping beauty _thing is actually kinda scary; falling asleep like that and having to rely on other to wake you up."

Maria sighed. "I feel bad for Denny now. He must feel so left out."

"Stupid Colonel," Riza spat. "He's probably the only one of us without a care in the world." She knew Roy was still taking none of this seriously and she wanted to think of a way to change that. But thinking hurts when you have a brain feeze.

Meanwhile, Envy made his way back to Lab 5, and right away he noticed something was wrong. He found the prisoners unconscious a floor lower than where they were before. He counted them and realized that two and a half of them were missing. It was not a pretty sight, so Envy left to another room.

"Hey!" Envy called out in an empty corridor. "Lust! Gluttony! Where the hell'd you go?" He ran around, glimpsing at random rooms, and found nothing. "You bastards better not have ditched me!"

A moment later, dramatic wailing could be heard. It was Gluttony. "Lust! Lust!" He was getting closer and he saw Envy. "Envy, Lust's dead! Lust!" He tried to get a hug from Envy, but Envy pushed him away instead.

Envy did not look amused. "What do you mean she's _dead_? We can come back to life, remember?"

Gluttony blinked blankly at Envy for a while. Then he stuck some fingers in his mouth to ponder over what Envy had said. ". . . So Lust is okay?" he asked.

Envy shrugged. "How the hell should I know? Where is she?"

Gluttony got a freaked out look on his face. "Lust's in . . . that evil place," he whispered.

"With Greed, eh?" Envy rubbed his chin. "Well . . . Lust is a female, so I bet she's dandy right now."

Gluttony had no clue what Envy was implying, but he said, "Gluttony didn't see Greed. It was just Lust dead."

"That's odd. Let's go check it out." And so Gluttony led Envy to _that evil place_. They found Lust sitting up on the floor, rubbing her head. Her blood was splattered everywhere, but she looked as good as new.

"Lust!" Gluttony squealed. He ran to her and helped her up.

"Damn, you and Greed really went at it," Envy joked.

"Shut up," Lust snapped. "Greed didn't do a thing; it was that alchemist bastard. He caused explosions or something."

Envy tilted his head. "Why was there an alchemist here?"

"He was one of the prisoners," Lust explained. "There's been a change of plans – instead of him being an ingredient; we'll make him the one to make the stone. Forget about the Elrics. As we can plainly see, anyone with that father turns out unreliable, weak, and stupid."

This pissed Envy off. "You can't do that! We spent so much freakin' time luring the Elrics to do this!"

"Aw, look. I made you mad." Lust smiled evilly at Envy.

"Hey, I didn't waste all this time to stop now!"

Lust curiously looked around the room. "Then shouldn't at least Edward be here? Why didn't you bring him? What were you doing all day?"

What was Envy going to say? _I went to a nice restaurant with the nene and we actually had a great time talking shit about people._ When Envy thought that in his mind, he concluded that sounded really gay, so instead he said, "I couldn't find him. He's too small."

Lust gave Envy a suspicious look. "You're hiding something, aren't you?"

"No, of course not!" Envy defended himself. "You know, let's just do things separately from now on. Let's see if I can get the Elrics to make the stone before you two get the other alchemist to do it."

"Deal," Lust replied. "Promise you won't cry when you suffer a humiliating defeat?"

"Don't make me laugh," Envy grunted. He flipped off the other two homunculi and they headed their separate ways.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 0 days, 7 hours, 30 minutes

Scar – 0 days, 16 hours, 0 minutes

Aztec Goddess: If I did my math right, it's 3:00 PM on the first day Havoc fell asleep. There's still time for Ed's birthday to get better! . . . Right? Man, this must be one long-ass day for him.


	5. Congratulations!

Aztec Goddess: Gasp! It took so long for me to update! It's just that I've been too busy doing . . . nothing to prepare for finals. Plus, Fanfiction has some new bugs. -.-

Timeline: No extra time has passed.

* * *

Congratulations!

"Have there been any improvements in Lior?" the Fuhrer King Bradley, or rather _Pride_, asked Frank Archer as they walked briskly down a corridor in the HQ. The secretary, which is of course another homunculus called Sloth followed closely behind.

"Yeah . . . no, not really," Frank replied. He was rather reluctant on telling the Fuhrer any details in fear that he would order the military to withdraw. But he could not lie to the Fuhrer – Pride looks too nice! "Crimes, death rates and um, other not-so-pleasant things have been increasing . . . rapidly."

"Perhaps we should withdraw?" Pride asked.

"No, we mustn't!" Frank immediately replied. "The military must always be in control – we'll make improvements – we're very hard-working peop – ah!" Frank tripped over a sleeping body on the floor.

Pride and Sloth looked around and noticed quite a few sleeping militants on the floor in front of them. "Hard-working," Pride repeated. "Then why are so many men taking naps on the floor in the middle of the day?"

"Sir," Sloth whispered to Pride. "Look at their fingers." Pride did look, and he saw small drops of blood as if the sleeping militants have pricked their fingers on something.

"Oh, I see," Pride mused. Then he turned to Frank, who was still on the floor busy nudging the body he tripped over with his foot to see if that would wake him. "Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer, send a message to our men in Lior. Tell them all to come back here immediately – we're about to face an even greater crisis here."

"Greater than a potential war?" Frank asked as he got up.

"Yes, much greater," Pride said. He looked off into the distance and said in a mystical voice, "The fairy tales . . . they're coming true."

Both the homunculi had serious looks on their faces, so Frank knew he must not laugh. "What does that mean, Fuhrer?" Frank asked, hoping it was code for something that sounds much less stupid.

"What do you think it means?" Pride responded in a sharp voice. "We are clearly witnessing the events in _Sleeping Beauty_. Soon it'll be _Snow White_ then _Cinderella_ then _Beauty and the Beast_ and so many other unholy things. If we don't act quickly, our men will drop like flies. Then who will protect our good citizens from all the evil spells and curses and spontaneous singing and dancing? It'll be utter chaos!"

Frank quickly realized the seriousness of the situation, so he saluted and ran off to search for a messenger to send to Lior.

Sloth kicked over one of the sleeping bodies. The militant did not flinch at all – he could have passed as dead. "How did this start?" she asked.

"I don't know," Pride answered. "But we're vulnerable, too. We must tell the others. Go find them – I'll clean up _this_ mess." He motioned towards all the sleeping bodies.

Meanwhile, Ed was ever so delighted about looking for a birthday present for Elysia, a little girl he hardly even knows. Actually, his feelings were more like wanting to hack Roy's head off and declare to the world it is _his_ birthday, too! But that was never going to happen.

Ed figured the easiest gift to give to a little girl is a dolly, so he went to the toy store. Things would have gone so much more smoothly if all the dolls were not inconveniently placed on the top shelves. Ed stood on his toes and reached for the pretty pink dolly as far as he could, but he was about half a foot too short. But Ed is stubborn so he was not going to ask those tall storeowner for help.

Ed tried jumping for the dolly, but that did not work. The doll was placed a bit too far into the shelf for him to reach it that way. He needed to climb. And so Ed put his feet on the bottom shelf and held into the top one with his hand. He had to be quick – in one swoop, Ed had his hand clenched on the dolly, but he forgot that his other arm was not functioning – he was not holding onto anything. Ed was falling, and if he really did hit the floor only a foot below, he would surely die of embarrassment.

People were watching. Ed shut his eyes and almost screamed, but then he felt something on his back holding him up. Then a voice said, "Aw, the nene can't go on without his dolly!" Ed opened his eyes and saw that it was Envy holding him up.

Ed immediately backed off with the dolly in his hand. "You again! Who the hell do you think you are; always coming out of nowhere, acting like you know me, and not wearing pants!"

Envy blinked innocently at Ed. "But I _do_ know you and why the hell would I want to wear pants? Don't you think I look cute like this?"

Ed looked disturbed. "Okay, this conversation's getting weird."

". . . Anyway, I'm here 'cause I want to know what's keeping you from working on the notes. You didn't give me any details, remember?"

"Why should I tell you? You didn't even give me your name!" Ed said this mainly because he did not know any details concerning why Jean needs to be helped. After all, he never made it to Roy's office.

Envy was about to reply, but he was interrupted by a kiddish voice yelling, "Brother! I found you!" It was Al. He ran up to his brother and asked, "Were you _here_ the entire time?"

"Of course not!" Ed replied. "Do you realize all the crap I've had to go through so far? And I think I got myself a stalker." Ed narrowed his eyes and turned to Envy, but he was no longer there.

"Oh, that doesn't sound too nice," Al commented. "But that's alright! I have a feeling today's going to get better! You're going to Mister Hughes' house later today, right?"

Ed sighed. Maybe Al really did forget what the day was. "Yeah," Ed answered. He held up the doll. "I'm getting a present for his daughter, aren't I?" Ed headed towards the cashier and Al followed.

"So do you know what's wrong with Mister Havoc, brother?" Al asked.

"Haven't seen him." Ed handed the doll to the cashier.

"He's been asleep all this time and everyone's saying that a kiss from a special someone is the only thing that's wake him up."

Ed snorted. "What kind of sick game is that?"

"Would you like the doll to be wrapped up?" the cashier asked.

"Sure," Ed answered. Then he said to Al, "What made him fall asleep?"

"Um . . . a spinning wheel."

Ed laughed. "What? Like that stupid fairy tale?_ Sleeping_, um –"

"_Sleeping Beauty_," the cashier said. She handed Ed the dolly all wrapped up in pretty paper and a bow. She did not have that fake smile every employee is supposed to have. In fact, she looked a bit angry.

Ed paid her and the Elrics just walked away, a bit confused. As they left the toy store, the cashier muttered under her breath, "And _that's_ what all the fuss is about?"

Then the storeowner came by and gave the cashier an odd look. "Hey, weren't you just cleaning out back a second ago?"

The cashier gave the storeowner an angry glare. "The only thing keeping him from making the philosopher's stone is a freakin' fairy tale! He's way stupider than I thought! I don't even believe in all that fairy crap!" With that said, the cashier stormed out of the store.

Moments later, the same woman reappeared though the back door with a broom in her hand. "Okay, I'm done!" she chirped. "Now can I work the register?" The storeowner could only give her an amazed and frightened look.

The other not-so-happy cashier was, of course, Envy. He was already back to his usual form when he got outside. "This is too stupid," he mumbled as he walked back to Lab 5. Surely he would come up with a great plan to speed things up there. "It'll probably take a long time before they all realize this Jean Havoc guy is helpless. A spindle can't put you to sleep, but it sure as hell can poison you." Envy chucked. "Yeah, I bet _that's_ it. There's no way a fairy tale can come true." Could Envy be right?

A woman blocked Envy's path. "It's coming true, alright," she said.

"What do you want, Sloth?" Envy said, not looking amused at all.

"Lust and Gluttony said you're on your own now," Sloth said. She was very amused.

"So?"

"I won't ask why, but I must ask you to follow me. Pride wishes for all of us to be present."

"If a certain stupid fairy tale has anything to do with this, then count me out."

Sloth smiled. "It's not much of a fairy tale now that it's reality. I won't force you to attend. I won't mind at all if you're the next victim."

Envy rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll go." And so he and Sloth went to HQ. Pride, Lust, and Gluttony were already there, debating what they should do to the sleeping militants.

"We might as well kill them," Lust said. "They're nothing but a bother."

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked.

"No, just think about it," Pride snapped. "If dozens of local militants suddenly go missing, people are going to wonder what's happening. It's best for the least people possible to know the truth so no one will believe them."

"But then things are only going to get harder from now on," Lust replied. "This is just the beginning. How are you expecting to explain things rationally when a huge dragon comes out of nowhere and envelops this city in thorns?"

"We'll prevent that."

"How?"

Sloth stepped in. "The dragon won't come if there isn't a sleeping beauty here for it to guard. We'll simply have to wake all these men up."

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked.

"What?" Envy whined. "You think I have time for this crap?"

"That's true," Lust said. "We're still trying to get an alchemist to make the stone. And maybe the stone has the power to make things go back to normal."

"Learn to prioritize," Pride said. "But for tonight, all of us are going to work on waking these men up. Sloth, if any of these people have spouses, call them. Lust, Envy, find a place for the spinning wheel in the basement. Take that Ishbalan, too. He was the one killing alchemists. Gluttony . . . just stay out of sight."

It was soon 5:30 – time for the Elrics to head over to the Hughes residence before it was too late. Ed really did not feel like going, but Al convinced him to go to at least say hello. After all, Ed and Maes Hughes are good friends and Gracia makes really good cake.

Al was carrying the presents; he eventually bought one, too. Ed had his hand on the door knob, but he was almost afraid to turn it. This was so awkward for him and maybe he could not go through with it. Al saw that Ed was being hesitant. "What's wrong, brother?"

"You out of all people should know," Ed mumbled under his breath. Then he swallowed his anger, turned the knob, swung open the door, and –

"SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ED!" everyone in the house cheered; the Hughes family, many familiar militants including Roy, and even Winry was there.

Ed was stunned. "Aw, you guys tricked me! Damn you!" he cried happily.

"Well, we had to make sure you didn't see it coming," Roy replied and he handed Ed a gift. Some of the nurses that had not stopped following him handed Ed some presents, too.

"Glad you made it, Ed!" Maes chirped. "You want to see my daughter?" He held up his daughter before Ed had time to reply.

"Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations!" Elysia chimed as she handed Ed a present. Only a little four-year-old could make saying congratulations so many times sound cute rather than crazy. "That's for good luck!"

"Um, thanks! Congratulations to you, too!" Ed took the present then motioned to Al to give Elysia her gifts.

Others formed a circle around Ed to congratulate him and hand him more presents. Winry pushed her way through the crowd and wailed, "ED!" She threw herself at him. "I'm sooo sorry I messed up on your arm!"

Ed stared shocked at Winry. "So it's your fault it's broken?" He nodded towards his automail arm.

"Yeah, one lousy bolt was missing!" Then Winry examined Ed's expression. She laughed nervously. ". . . You didn't notice that, did you?" Ed slowly shook his head. "Aw, damn – I mean sorry! I'll fix it right now if you want me to!"

Ed agreed to that. He could never get used to just one working arm. It made performing alchemy much harder and defending himself nearly impossible. The others went back to admiring Elysia and Winry started working on Ed's arm at the kitchen. Winry placed the equipment on the kitchen table, Ed sat at one of the chairs, and she got to work.

"This didn't cause too much trouble, did it?" Winry nervously asked.

". . . No, it just really sucked," Ed replied. He was not about to admit he almost fell from a shelf at a toy store.

"It must have been weird; everyone pretending today's just another day."

"Today's been weird anyway. I met this guy – didn't get his name – but he runs around in a skort and no one says anything about it. I bet he was following me around since he found me twice. And he somehow knew what today is. Also, supposedly the spinning wheel from _Sleeping Beauty_ appeared somewhere around here."

"Wait, slow down! A _guy_ in a _skort_ was following you around? Why?"

"Are you focusing on the automail?" Ed tried to dodge the question.

Winry started working faster. "I'm just saying . . . that sounds creepy."

"I know, but . . . I dunno. Forget it. It's no big deal." Ed did not want to go into details. No one needed to know that this creepy guy was going to show Ed how to make the philosopher's stone soon.

Winry finished up her work. "There, done!" she said. "But remember, it's still lighter than your old one, so don't be reckless!"

Ed tested his arm, stretching it, moving his wrist, then fingers. "Now I can fulfill my, um, not-so-long awaited dream!" He jumped out of the chair and headed towards a certain pile on the living room floor. "Presents!"

* * *

Jean Havoc – 0 days, 11 hours, 45 minutes 

Scar – 0 days, 20 hours, 15 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Double gasp! Is Ed's future already looking so bright so soon?


	6. The Way Fate Works

Aztec Goddess: GAH! This took so long! Oh, well, a three-day weekend!

Timeline: About ten hours have passed – it is now early the next morning.

* * *

The Way Fate Works

Once again, Lust did not get a blink of sleep last night. No, it was not because she was forced to stay in the basement with Envy until morning. Pride was hoping they would reconcile. But Envy slept angrily yet peacefully on the other side of the room all night. It was not that spinning wheel in the middle of the room that kept Lust up either. It was Scar.

This Ishbalan – he looked so familiar; he brought back memories of her past life. Images of herself frolicking in a desert with this mysterious man danced in her head and, well, it actually bugged the crap out of her. Why the hell was she acting all girly in her memory and who was this guy? How is it that he was making her smile – and not in a sadistic way? Lust stared a long time at Scar, trying to remember his name.

Tall, dark, young, mysterious – holy crap! Scar is so freaking hot! And his shirt was still completely torn from all the cars running over him. Lust could not pass up a moment like this. After all, she has quite a name to live up to. She crawled over right next to Scar, glanced over at Envy to make sure he was still asleep, and then she gave Scar a kiss. It was awkward since Scar was not doing anything, but this made Lust remember more. More images of her past flashed through her eyes and she discovered the name she was searching for.

Scar's body jerked, so Lust swiftly backed off. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at Lust. ". . . You again? Why do you have that face?"

Lust was too startled to hear Scar's question. He woke up from her kiss, which means . . . "So that ridiculous fairy tale is true . . ." she said.

Scar stared, not amused at Lust. "What are you talking about?"

She was embarrassed to say it. "It means – I know it sounds cliché but . . . it's meant to be, Abel."

Scar was a bit surprised at first, but then he looked appalled. He sat himself up and winced – the tire marks obviously still hurt. "_Abel_," he repeated. "That was my brother's name."

"Oooh!" Envy squealed with delight. "You're in trouble now, Lust!" He was sitting cross-legged in front of the pair as if he were watching an entertaining show.

"Envy, you jackass!" Lust shrieked. By then, she was blushing feverishly. "How long were you up?"

"Long enough," Envy replied happily. He turned to Scar. "You're not gonna let your woman off so easily for calling you your brother's name, are you? Gasp! And after she made out with you!"

"Shut up already!" Lust yelled. "I'll kill you!" She sprang up from the floor and extended her nails at Envy, which he nimbly dodged. She attacked again and again but Envy effortlessly jumped, flipped, and pranced away from each nail while laughing his ass off.

"Your kiss woke him up!" Envy laughed. "You know what that means!"

While Lust was trying to slaughter Envy, Scar cautiously lifted his hand to his face and touched his lips. Was that palm tree-like she-boy telling the truth? Scar's mommy always told him to never trust a person who wears such revealing clothes. All they want is your money – you mean nothing to them! But then Scar remembered he had no money so he began to wonder how the other one knew his brother's name.

"Hey, you!" Scar called out to the homunculi. They both immediately stopped on their tracks and turned to Scar. "I'm talking to the decently-clothed one." Lust gave Envy a defiant look and Envy just stuck his tongue out in response.

"What is it?" Lust asked Scar.

"You're that thing my brother created, aren't you?"

Envy started to laugh again. "Did you hear that, Lust? _Thing!_ You're his item – ah!" Lust kicked Envy on the back of his knee, so he collapsed. But that gave Envy a new reason to laugh because getting kicked there feels funny.

Lust sighed. "This moment couldn't possibly get any worse." She turned to Scar and smiled halfway. "Well, maybe this'll be a funny story to tell our children one day."

". . . Huh?" Scar asked.

"Because once we get married we'll probably wanna . . . y'know." Lust made some hand motions. Envy's giggling followed.

Did Scar hear Lust correctly? The answer is yes, so he replied, "Damn, you're freakin' crazy, woman!"

"I'm not! It's fate – you'll see!" Lust defended herself. Then she got a bright idea. She folded her arms and pouted, "You've never even given me a chance. How about you join me in one little thing and see what happens from there?"

"What?" Scar said curtly.

"I'm looking for an alchemist – a man with long black hair, feminine curves, and he can make things explode with his hands."

Scar gasped. "Zolf Kimblee the Crimson Alchemist," he spat. He remembers that name even better than his own. "I'm after him as well."

Lust brightened up. "Coincidence? I think not."

She walked up to Scar to help him up, but he quickly said, "Don't touch me," and got up by himself.

Envy laughed again, but then he cut himself short. "Wait a minute!" he whined. "That's not fair! _I_ don't get any help on getting the Elrics to make the philosopher's stone!"

"That's because you suck and no one likes you," Lust replied matter-of-factly.

Poor Envy was offended. "You bitch!" he yelled and he stormed out of the room.

"Who the hell was that anyway?" Scar asked.

"He's not important," Lust answered. "Let's just get out of here and search for that Crimson Alchemist. I'm going to make him make the philosopher's stone. That won't interfere with your plans, right?"

Scar shrugged. "No, not really; I just want to kill him. I guess I can do that afterwards."

"So it's settled then!"

Lust and Scar agreed on a temporary partnership to find the Crimson Alchemist quicker. But Scar made it clear that if Lust says any other weird things, he would ditch her. This was so weird for Lust – she had found a man who she finds attractive, but he could care less. That is just sick and wrong!

But where has the Crimson Alchemist been anyway? Well, no one knows for sure how he, Greed, and a bunch of chimeras suddenly started living in a bar called Devil's Nest, but just go with it. It is a pleasant bar filled with angry drunks and half-naked women and occasional shootings from the police – the perfect place to call home.

The last time we saw Zolf, he was styling prison garbs, looked really old and dirty, had some stubble on his chin and his hair was not brushed and in his face. But he fixed himself up – and how! He magically obtained – probably stole – a spiffy crimson suit, turned his biological clock back a couple of years, and had a pretty, new hairstyle. Also, you have to wonder how he got rid of his stubble so smoothly considering that these people use freaking knives as shavers . . . or a piece of glass. Whichever works better.

Zolf decided to show off his new look to his not-quite-friends-because-he-secretly-hates-them. He burst into the room while the others were drinking and he said, "So, what do you guys think!" Zolf pointed at himself with a conceited look on his face.

The others, mainly Greed, Dorochet, Roa, and Marta, were stunned by surprise. Dorochet and Roa looked at their drinks to see if any hallucinogens could have gotten in them. Greed tilted his head. ". . . Kimblee?"

"Yep!"

Marta squinted. "You look so . . ."

"Gorgeous? Yeah, I know."

Marta snorted. "I was gonna say _girly_, but whatever." She took another chug of her drink.

Zolf pouted, "You're just jealous 'cause I'm prettier than you!" Everyone else agreed and that made Marta sad. In fact, she was so sad that she angrily threw her drink at Dorochet and declared a brawl against him and Roa since her femininity was at stake. And so the three of them fought like, well, drunks at a bar.

Everyone else in the bar started forming a circle around the trio and placed their bets. Greed felt weird sitting alone at the counter so he picked out a slutty woman from the crowd and sat her on his lap. She showed no signs of refusal. "Anyway," Greed said to Zolf, "how is it that you looked nothing like that yesterday?"

"Well, I was in prison and it's not a good idea to look your best in a place like that," Zolf explained.

"So you're a convict!" the slutty woman said to Zolf, sounding fascinated. "That's hot." She looked at Greed, then back at Zolf, then pointed at them and said, "You know what? You two should totally make out." She smiled and nodded as if what she just said was a great discovery.

Greed gave her an odd look and said, ". . . I'm gonna put you back now."

"Aw, my turn's over already?"

"Yeah."

And that was how things went around in Devil's Nest. But by the end of the day, Greed would find the right girl or two to . . . share his bed with. Because Greed loves to share . . . his bed. But if you ask him to share anything else, well, you would be screwed. Last night sucked for Zolf and the chimeras – they had trouble sleeping through the noise . . . of sharing.

It is time to now think of something pure and innocent. Jean Havoc had slept in Cain Fury's room last night and Cain was forced by Roy to get Jean into his pajamas. They argued late the other night about how pointless it is to change Jean's clothes but Roy insisted that Jean may be unconscious, but he still deserves his humanity. Apparently, Jean would be dehumanized if he was not in pajamas at night. Cain had never been so _furious_ in his life.

"Why's the Colonel giving everyone a really hard time?" Cain grumbled as he took his morning shower. "He's giving all of us so much work while _he_ does nothing but mess around. Well, weird things are happening. Maybe an evil fairy crawled up his butt or something." Cain sighed, knowing that his theory was probably not true. He got out of the shower and dressed in his usual military uniform.

Jean was sprawled on the floor because Cain was not up to moving him to the couch. Lugging around a full grown man that outweighs you was not Cain's idea of fun. In fact, Cain was not having any fun at all, but he could not be mad at Jean. Jean has done nothing but drool a little from time to time. Cain actually thanked his lucky stars that the curse Jean was under had shut down most of his organs. In conclusion, things could have been so much worse.

"Poor guy – you're so hopeless," Cain said at Jean, "having to depend on someone like Roy to help out. At least he did get some people to help a lot, and I will too! Death by spinning wheel – that'd be a horrible way to be remembered!"

Then there was a knock at the door. Cain groaned, having a good idea on who it was. He opened the door and it was Roy, carrying a bag that looked completely full of whatever it was. "Good morning, Colonel," Cain mumbled.

"Where's your energy?" Roy asked as he let himself into the room. "You have a lot to do today," he pointed at Jean, "starting with changing him back into the tux. I'm sure another horde of women will be coming soon. But right before that, take care of these." Roy handed the bag to Cain. "It's all the roll of film that needs to be developed."

"Is that all, sir?" Cain asked, maybe a little too hopefully.

Roy walked around the room. "Of course not! I can't seem to find Hawkeye or the Elrics this morning. It'd be nice if you can find them, but first of all, I noticed that Sergeant Brosh has been acting down. Go patch up his relationship with Lieutenant Ross. I just can't stand seeing my people unhappy!"

"And what about me?" Cain asked in a forced calm voice.

Roy patted Cain's shoulder. "I know you're young, but you've gotta learn that not everything's about you, Fury."

Cain's eye twitched. Roy seriously needed a beating, but from someone that would be able to beat him. This meant that Cain could do nothing but take Roy's orders and keep all his searing rage deep inside until one day, it would all be too much and sweet little Cain Fury would emerge as an ultra violent psychopath. The quiet and meek ones always end up the craziest. This is utterly inevitable.

Cain forced a smile and said to Roy, "Understood, sir. I'll get to work right away."

"That's the spirit!" Roy replied, then he left the room.

"Can you believe it!" Cain said at Jean. "It's like he's just giving _me_ a hard time now! What'd I do to deserve this?" Cain laid the bag of film on his bed and went to his closet to take out Jean's tuxedo. He just stared at it for a while. ". . . Is it because I started the ordeal? But wait – I didn't! . . . Did I?" Cain went deep into thought. "What if this never ends? No offence, but what if you don't have a _true_ love? And what about all the other people that are under the curse now? I wonder what happened to them."

Even though Jean was not responding, Cain felt better that he was vocalizing his thoughts and complaints. He almost felt a slight hope that things will get better. But then he remembered he had to get Denny and Maria together, and that could not possibly be easy. And he still had to change Jean. And he had to take the film to a developer and probably pick it up later. And there will be much more film to be developed soon. That slight hope died a tragic death; was buried, then unburied and killed again three more times.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 1 day, 1 hour, 15 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Finally, over a day! Now the amount of sleep Jean has had doesn't look so normal.


	7. Operation Matchmaker Alpha

Aztec Goddess: I forgot to mention something last time: I prefer the English dub "Marta" 'cause that's my old neighbor's name! She's a really really nice fellow Mexican!

Timeline: This overlaps the last chapter a little.

* * *

Operation Matchmaker Alpha

"It should be here somewhere," Riza said to the Elrics as she searched through a shelf of books in the library. And that was why Roy could not find them; it was the last place he would ever look.

"But weren't all fairy tale books supposed to be burned a couple years ago?" Ed asked as he and Al started searching through the books as well.

"Yeah, around the time the Ishbal war broke out, people were getting weird thoughts in their heads that society's ills can be cured by wishing wells, catching leprechauns, and learning how to sprout wings and fly. This caused many deaths, so it was decided that we must wipe out what was causing this: books of fairy tales." It was amazing that there was such a serious atmosphere as Riza said this. "But _some_ books must have survived, so keep looking."

"Won't Miss Sheska be better fit for this job?" Al asked.

Riza shook her head. "It won't be fair for her; she has too much work to do already."

"Aha!" Ed declared triumphantly. He pulled out an old, worn out book entitled _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book_. It had a crazy-ass fairy in the front cover under the golden words. Ed was a bit surprised. "Wait, does this look like the right book?"

Riza snatched the book from Ed and skimmed though it. "Let's see . . . I see other princess stories. . ." She stopped near the end of the book. "Yeah, _Sleeping Beauty_ is here!" She quickly read through some of the passages, turned the page, and her eyelids lowered. "And just our luck . . ."

Ed almost felt it coming. "Some pages are missing, huh?" he asked, clearly knowing the answer.

Riza nodded. "And guess what . . ."

Al guessed, "Out of all the pages, only _Sleeping Beauty_ ones are missing?" The other two nodded.

"Damn, there's some freakin' mastermind behind this," Ed spat. "But we at least got _some _helpful information, right?"

Riza looked at the passages again. "Um, no. This is just the introduction; the king and queen called their daughter Aurora, people singing, big party, the fairies come in, and that's where it cuts off." She shut the book and sighed. "Oh, well. This is probably the most we'll ever find."

"Wait a minute!" Ed declared. "This is way too inconvenient – some bastard's behind all this and once we find them, we'll probably find the missing pages!"

Al started to ask a question, "But why do we need –" but his voice was cut off by a scream of terror nearby. Al, Ed, and Riza ran to the front desk of the library, which was where the scream came from.

One of the librarians was standing on the desk with a look of horror on her face. She pointed downward at . . . a little baby duckling. "That duckling!" she shrieked. "It's so ugly!" Everyone else was either ignoring the scene or agreeing on how ugly the duckling was.

"That's so mean!" Al said. He picked up the ugly duckling and asked it, "How'd you get in here anyway?"

"This looks familiar," Riza mused. She searched through _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book_ and said, "I knew it – _The Ugly Duckling_. It's about a duckling so hideous that everyone hates him, but then he grows up to be a beautiful swan and everyone suddenly loves him . . . Wow, that's so horribly shallow! What's the lesson learned here?"

"Well, it's not like we have to make a big deal about this, right?" Ed asked. "I mean, the duck didn't threaten humanity . . . right?"

"No, but this could mean that other stories in this book will come true, and that'll be horrible. I'm going to get this book to Colonel Mustang. You two are free from orders now – this may get too dangerous for young children." And so Riza left the library in a hurry, without even checking out the book.

"Yeah, this is _so_ dangerous," Ed replied sarcastically. He turned to his brother and the duckling. "Are you buying into this, Al?" Ed poked the duckling and it viciously nipped his finger, ripping his glove off. "Little bastard."

"I'm not quite sure what to think," Al replied. "But Mister Havoc being a sleeping beauty has to be true. What other explanation is there?"

"How 'bout a logical one?" someone suddenly standing next to them asked. The Elrics jumped a little when they saw this man in a revealing outfit. It was Envy, of course.

"How do you always find me?" Ed asked Envy, feeling a tad uncomfortable.

"Oh, so _that's _the guy," Al mused.

"Oh, so you've been talking about me, nene," Envy raised an eyebrow at Ed.

"Nene?" Al repeated.

"That's so we know he's the smallest one here," Envy explained. Ed looked like he was hyperventilating. "But you're the _younger_ brother, right Al?" Al nodded. "I would have never guessed if I didn't already know you guys!"

Ed could not keep it in. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE CAN BE CARRIED AWAY BY A FLY?" And since he was in a library, people shushed him and kicked him out. Al and Envy followed.

Envy snickered. "That's a funny image!" Then he got serious. "But shouldn't you two be working on a certain something?"

Ed was about to respond, but then someone came running to them. "Ed! Al!" It was Cain. "Thank goodness I found you guys! I have a huge favor to ask of you!" He stopped right in front of them and caught his breath.

"What's wrong?" Al asked.

"I just came from a photo developer," Cain started. He took more deep breaths. "But first of all, do you know where Hawkeye is?"

"She went to see Roy," Ed answered.

"Oh, good! That saves time for the really hard thing." Cain straightened up. "You're both familiar with Denny Brosh and Maria Ross, right?" The Elrics nodded. "Okay, so . . . the huge favor is to help me get them together – it's the Colonel's orders, not mine!" He pointed out.

Envy was dumbfounded. "What the hell? Is this what that idiot Pride makes the military do all day? Play matchmaker?"

The others gave Envy confused looks. "What do you mean by _pride_?" Cain asked.

Envy's eyes widened. "Oh, crap. You guys don't know about that yet – just forget what I said! I know nothing about the people that are _really_ controlling the military! Nope, absolutely nothing!" Yeah, Envy is a fabulous liar. But luckily for him, the others were too intimidated by his choice of clothing to further question him.

"Okay . . ." Cain started. He pulled out a notepad from his pocket and read from it, "Maria is currently at the bakery and Denny . . . he might still be crying in his bathroom." Cain took out a pen and started writing. "I think I'm planning to–"

"Wait, wait, wait," Envy interrupted. "Why are you involving the Elrics in this?"

"We've gotta help him!" Ed declared. He pointed at Cain. "Look at him; he's so sweet and innocent!"

Cain gave Envy a sweet and innocent look; those puppy eyes. Envy rolled his eyes. "The sooner we get this over with, the better. I'm helping, too."

Cain was happy to receive more help. "Thank you, miss! I promise they'll be a reward for–"

"I'm a man."

"Oh . . ." Cain took a step back. "Well, either way, your help is well appreciated!" Then he inaudibly mumbled, "I hope." And that was how the prestigious ploy called Operation Matchmaker Alpha began.

They all knew the operation was going to be tough, so they thoroughly prepared in Cain's room in HQ. Ed put on the military uniform he never used before – even Al and Envy got their own. Hell, even the ugly duckling was dressed up in a cute little military uniform. After Envy made jokes about the little uniform rightfully belonging to Ed and after Ed calmed back down, they planned out their first attacks – I mean actions.

Jean had already been moved to Roy's office so more women could kiss him (this time, Sheska was left to take pictures as well as tend to the checklist) so Cain's floor was free for them to spread out a huge map of Central there. He pointed at the bakery, exactly four blocks away from their current location and put a red marker there. "I spoke to Maria Ross earlier and she said that after the bakery, she will be heading to the deli." Then he moved the red marker two blocks east. "She did not sound in a hurry, so we expect her to remain here until an hour from now."

Ed put a green marker on a civilian house. "And Denny Brosh will more than likely remain at home until we attend to him."

Envy added four blue markers on HQ to represent themselves. He moved them around Denny's house. "So it's obvious that we start off with Denny, fix him up, and get him to meet Maria at the deli before she leaves. And then we're done!"

"But the deli's not a romantic place!" Al protested.

"Sure it is . . . if you enjoy the sight and smell of raw meat."

Cain sighed. "This is why we need a good plan."

Then the ugly duckling jumped out of Al's hand and onto the map. He waddled to a nice green area and squeaked. "Of course, the park!" Al gasped. "You're a genius, Benjamin!"

"You named that thing?" Envy said.

"Hey, be nice!" Al replied as he picked Benjamin up and petted him.

Ed was staring intensely at the map in the meantime. "Okay, I think I got it," he said. He moved two of the blue markers to the red one and continued, "We'll split into groups. Al and I will go to Maria, help her with her grocery, then invite her to the park, um, just to relax or something like that. Cain and Envy will go to Denny, spruce him up, have a pep talk about asking Maria out, take him to buy some flowers, chocolates, or whatever Maria likes, and send him off to the park. Then our part is done!"

"What if our timing's off?" Envy asked.

Cain looked at his watch. "It's 9:30 right now. How about we get to the park as close as 11:00 as possible?"

Al was happy with that idea. "Then they can go out to lunch together if all this works out!"

So it was all decided. Ed and Al rushed to the deli to catch up with Maria and Envy and Cain rushed to Denny's house. Envy broke the door open because he was feeling impatient. "Hey, Denny!" he called out. "We don't know each other but I'm gonna get you together with your secret crush, okay?"

"Don't you think you're coming out too strongly," Cain asked.

But Denny came out and walked downstairs in his pajamas, looking delighted. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear those words!" _We don't know each other but I'm gonna get you together with your secret crush._ And that is what dreams are made of.

Denny was very cooperative about changing himself into his best clothes and putting on a little cologne, but when the pep talk began, he started freaking out. They were in the living room; Envy and Cain sitting on a couch and Denny sitting on the one across from them. This time, Envy came out _way_ too strongly. He finished his first statement with, ". . . and that's how babies are made!" so you can probably guess what he had just finished explaining.

Cain was mortified. He already had to hear _the talk_ once before and it brought back horrible, horrible images of his parents. He shook his head violently in an attempt to destroy those images, then yelled at Envy, "What kind of pep talk was _that_!"

Envy stared blankly at Cain. "What's a pep talk anyway?"

Denny was utterly speechless. You would be too if a stranger barged into your house and gave you _the talk_.

Cain sighed. "Denny, please disregard what you've just heard. That's not why we're here. We're here to get you together with Maria and we need to make sure you know what to do when you're with her."

"But I've already explained–" Envy started.

"Not _that_!" Cain quickly replied. "Denny, you need to know how to start a conversation, what to say in response to whatever she says, and more importantly: how to declare your eternal love for her! And you should also give her something she loves at the same time to make a good impression!"

Denny was starting to look more confident. "Yeah, I've been planning that ever since I met her! I know she loves flowers! I always see roses on her kitchen table whenever I come by and look though her windows!"

Envy and Cain glanced at each other. Envy obviously wanted to make a comment, but Cain firmly shook his head. So the three of them just left to the flower shop.

Meanwhile, with Ed and Al; their part of the operation proved to be more difficult. They walked Maria to her house, carrying her bags and insisting that they should help her put the food away. They said that they think Maria is being overworked and should take a break, perchance at the park.

Maria found this sudden helpfulness of the Elrics suspicious, so she decided to take advantage of them. After they got to her house and put the food away, she sighed, "Oh, I have far too much work to do today. I wouldn't possibly have time for a break!"

"What do you need done?" Ed asked a bit too quickly.

Maria pondered for a moment, "Well, the front lawn is due for a trimming and the garden in the back needs to be watered and the fallen leaves must be raked up and the fountain needs to be cleaned–" Before she finished her train of chores, the Elrics were already out of the kitchen; Ed took on the front lawn and Al took the back. Maria shrugged and made herself some coffee.

But Maria had to wonder what was motivating Ed to rake the leaves and cut the front lawn and Al to tend to her garden and fountain. "Maybe they did something really bad," Maria wondered. "And they want a good word from me. But why are they so keen on getting me to the park?"

In a matter of minutes, the Elrics came back into the kitchen and Ed was already exhausted. "Now can we go?" Ed asked.

Maria smirked. She could not figure out what the Elrics wanted, but she was having fun. "I don't know," she replied. "This house is so dusty and my car needs a wash." Al ran back outside to tend to the car.

Ed sighed. "Where's the duster?"

Maria opened a drawer, took the duster out, and handed it to Ed. "Oh, and it'll be nice if you thoroughly clean the bathrooms, too. Take out all the trash while you're at it."

"Yes, ma'am," Ed grumbled. Then he realized Maria was using him. "Hey, wait a minute! We're supposed to be getting _you_ to do what _we_ had planned out!"

Maria raised an eyebrow. "So what's your plan?"

". . . Damn it," was all Ed could think of saying. Then he fell to his knees and pleaded, "Please, _please _just go to the park with us – no questions asked! We'll never ask anything else of you again!"

Maria considered Ed's offer. "Okay," she replied. Ed was happy. "But finish your chores first." Ed was sad.

After what could be considered child labor, the Elrics managed to get Maria to the park on time. The Elrics immediately noticed Denny standing around a bench not too far from them so they told Maria they saw something shiny over there, so she walked over to the designated area.

Ed and Al sneaked around them to the bushes close by, which is where they found Cain and Envy. They crouched down quietly to listen to the outcome of their work.

"Um, h-hi, Maria," Denny started nervously.

Maria immediately started to believe that Denny was the one who got the Elrics to get her to come to the park. She was not pleased. "Hello, Denny," she replied.

Denny held out the bouquet of roses. "I –"

"Aw, you know those are my mother's favorites!" Maria said, suddenly sounding happy and taking the roses from Denny. "Because you know _my_ favorite are carnations, right?" That was when Envy, Ed, Al, Cain, and Benjamin hid their faces in their arms/wings out of frustration and cussed under their breaths.

Denny just stood there dumbstruck, and Maria was already walking away. "You have to learn how to do things on your own, Denny," Maria sighed as she held the flowers to her face.

Operation Matchmaker Alpha was a complete failure.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 1 day, 3 hours, 30 minutes 

Aztec Goddess: Happy Valentine's Day! Hope your day turned out as awesome as . . . um . . . Roy's!


	8. Make Believe

Aztec Goddess: Damn, there are still so many characters I haven't mentioned yet . . .

Timeline: The events here take place during and a little after the previous chapter.

* * *

Make Believe

Winry was sleeping peacefully in one of the guest rooms in the Hughes residence. That is, until Elysia's hysterical screaming woke her up. "Mommy! Daddy! What's wrong with me?" the little girl cried from her room.

"What is it, sweetie?" Maes shrieked in response as he valiantly came to his daughter's aid, knocking down some inconveniently placed vases and tripping over kid toys along the way. Gracia calmly followed close behind.

Indeed, there was definitely something wrong with Elysia that morning. It is something almost every child experiences – the sooner the better. If Elysia were older, she would be hospitalized. This tragic experience takes days out of a child's life and only two words can describe something so vile: chicken pox.

"It's so itchy!" Elysia whined as she scratched those evil little red spots on her arm.

"No! Our little angel has fallen ill!" Maes wailed as he was about to hug his daughter, but then Gracia held him back.

"Calm down, honey!" Gracia told her husband. "_You've _never had the chicken pox and it'll be dangerous if you get it now!"

Maes stood silent for a moment. ". . . So this means . . ."

Gracia nodded and Maes gasped dramatically. This meant that he was not allowed to go near his daughter – his worst nightmare! – until she got better. "This is too horrible to be true!" Maes whined. Then he turned to his daughter and said, "Which one of your friends infected you yesterday? I'll sue them!"

Winry sleepily peered into the room. "Huh what happened?" she slurred.

Gracia picked Elysia up from her bed. "Don't scratch, sweetie," she told her. Then Gracia turned to Winry. "Everything's alright. It's just the chicken pox."

"_Just_ the chicken pox?" Maes wailed. "How could you be so calm in a moment like this?"

"It's not so bad," Winry said. "I remember when I go it; I gave it to Al! But . . . Ed didn't get it." She looked around the room and the corridor. "Where are they anyway?"

"They were needed at the library," Gracia answered and she took her daughter out of the room and into the bathroom to give her an oatmeal bath that was already prepared.

"Oh, okay!" Winry answered. "I'll go check up on them!" And so she left the house.

Maes cautiously approached the bathroom and stared suspiciously at his wife, who was gently scrubbing their daughter and telling her not to _eat_ the oatmeal. "Why aren't you the least bit surprised?" Maes asked. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you planned this!"

Gracia blinked at her husband. "You mean you didn't notice that the neighbor's daughter has the chicken pox? All of us mothers planned for our children to get it yesterday."

And so this proved Maes did not know any better. "Wait, so you planned for poor Elysia to get infected?" He gasped. "What kind of mother _are_ you?" Then he ran for dear life, expecting Gracia to throw something at him.

Gracia got her revenge by calling out, "You're late for work and I didn't make you lunch!" Maes sobbed.

Anyway, Winry ran to the library in a pissed off mood, feeling as though the Elrics had ditched her. She already had a wrench in hand when she entered the building, walked briskly around the aisles of bookcases, only to find no one she was familiar with. Then she stormed off to HQ and effortlessly made it past security since there were more random women than militants around so Winry fit right in. She decided to follow all the women into a certain someone's office.

All the women were gathering around Jean's still unconscious body as Sheska labored away with the camera and checklist. Other militants were present on the other side of the room – Roy and Riza – but they were ignoring that ordeal, focusing on another little problem. Riza shoved _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book_ at Roy's face and was trying to get him to take it.

"You're taking all this too seriously again," Roy told Riza as he moved the book away from his face. "I didn't know you'd be so illogical!"

"And this is coming from a man who sets his fingers on fire," Riza mocked. Roy grinned in response. Riza sighed. "Just read the book."

Roy took the book and examined the crazy-ass fairy on the front cover. It looked vicious in its slutty little green outfit and pom-poms on its shoes and hair. "So does this book have helpful information on _Sleeping Beauty_?"

"Not exactly . . ." Riza started. "But read it anyway. Maybe it'll help your realize how horrible things could get."

"Excuse me," Winry butted in. Roy and Riza turned to her. "Do either of you know where Ed and Al are?"

Roy just stared, then told Riza, "I'll read the book," and he left.

"No, I'm sorry," Riza answered Winry. "We were at the library earlier, but they could be anywhere by now."

"Oh. I guess I gotta look for them." Winry headed for the door, but that was when another group of women entered and exited.

"Hey, did you kiss him yet?" a woman who was leaving asked Winry. Winry stared blankly at her.

"She's not going to!" Sheska declared as she took another picture, then hurried to the checklist. "Minors, married women, and those older than forty aren't on the list. If they were, this'll never end and we may get into some trouble."

Winry did not understand what Sheska said. Then she looked over to see what the groups of women were doing and saw that they were taking turns making out with an unconscious militant and the librarian was taking pictures. Now Winry had a really bad impression on what the military did during their breaks. Ed was keeping big secrets from her! She slowly left the room, a little angry, but mostly disturbed, then she went off to search for the Elrics on her own.

"I think this scared her," Riza mused. She turned to Sheska, who was putting new film in the camera as quickly as she could while helping some women find their names on the list. She accidentally dropped the other film to the floor and dove for it, taking some papers down with her. "Do you need some help, Sheska?" Riza asked.

"Whatever gave you that crazy idea?" Sheska spat. She was obviously in a very unhappy mood.

Just then, Heymans Breda and Vato Farman burst into the room, each carrying their own cameras. "Hey, are the things they're saying about Havoc true?" Heymans asked, with his camera at the ready.

"That's great!" Riza said happily to them. "You two heard about all the hard work poor Sheska was given, and decided to come help her with your own cameras!"

Both Heymans and Vato lowered their cameras. "Yes . . . we came here to _help_," Vato replied unconvincingly. Then he coughed.

"Of course we did!" Heymans added. "We would have been here sooner, but we were sent to Lior to bring back everyone else." At least that was true.

"Why?" Riza asked. She did not seem to believe them.

Heymans shrugged. "Some albino guy – I forgot his name – said it was direct orders from the Fuhrer." As he went into further explanation, Sheska called Vato over to take the pictures. "It was weird. There were all these people sleeping on the floor at that time. I think the Fuhrer said that whatever's going on here is more important than Lior."

Riza raised an eyebrow. "Really? This is enough to pull all our units out of Lior even though a war may start? Wow."

"Guess so. It's pretty sad if you think about it," Heymans commented. Some women who were done went around him to leave and almost immediately afterwards, other women entered. "Damn, Havoc's one lucky bastard! Where's the spinning wheel that started all this?"

"No, don't start getting brilliant ideas now," Riza replied. Besides, she had no clue where the spinning wheel was, either. Since she did not feel like helping Sheska, Riza decided to leave the room to search for something to do.

Meanwhile, we left off with Ed, Al, Envy, Cain, and Benjamin at the park after their failure to get Denny and Maria together. Maria was long gone, probably back to her house, and after Denny snapped out of his delusional misery, he went home, too. This left the others alone in the park.

Al was amusing himself by watching over the ugly duckling as he wobbled around the grass. Envy, Ed, and Cain sat at the park bench where Denny and Maria once were and their energy was completely drained. The three of them stared off into space, looking dead.

"This is like another one of those stories," Ed mumbled. "The one where there are four people and a little animal and they go off on a pointless journey and don't really gain anything in the end."

"_The Wizard of Oz_," Cain lazily replied.

"Wow, that's right!" Al said. "Benjamin can be Toto and I can be the tin man! . . . But I need a body, not a heart . . ."

"I'm the scarecrow," Ed added. "I want a brain to give to that idiot Mustang."

"I guess I'm the lion," Cain added. "Yeah, all I need is some courage and I wouldn't let people get me into messes like this."

Envy said and thought nothing for a moment. Then he realized what the others had said and whined with no enthusiasm, "But that leaves me as freakin' Dorothy. She's so annoying and looks like an idiot when she taps her heels together."

Then they heard someone coming towards them. "Who could that be?" Cain mumbled.

"Maybe it's the wicked witch of the west," Ed yawned.

It was Winry. As soon as she was sure she found the Elrics, she came running to them, screaming, "You guys went to the park without me? What the hell's your problem? And after I had just finished fixing your arm, Ed, with no cost!" She failed to mention it was her fault that Ed's arm broke in the first place.

Envy stared at the blonde who attacked Ed with a wrench. "Yeah, she acts like a witch," he mused.

Winry glared at Envy, then she glared at Ed. "And who is _she_?" Winry demanded, sounding jealous.

Ed was confused, and not just because he was hit in the head with a wrench, which is considered battery and Winry could go to jail for that. Ed looked on either side of him and only saw Envy and Cain. He asked Winry, "Who are you referring to?"

Winry rudely pointed to Envy and spat, "_Her_! You've been hanging out with her all day?" Envy lowered his eyelids at Winry and did not feel like explaining himself.

"Oh," Ed answered, finally understanding. "That's, um, _Envy_. He's the guy that always knows where I am."

"_Envy_?" Winry repeated in disgust. "Sounds like a stripper's name."

"Oh, no, you've figured me out," Envy replied indifferently. "Sorry for stalking your boyfriend, but I needed the money."

Al gasped. "Benjamin's too young to hear this!"

Cain did not want to be part of this and he also knew he should go pick up the developed film and report to Roy, so he told the others, "I should be going now." They said good-bye and he left.

Winry looked embarrassed. "No . . . we're just friends. But you're not being serious, right?"

"If he were telling the truth, Winry," Ed said, "I wouldn't be looking so bored right now." Winry did not know which way to take this comment, so she chose not to dwell on it. Instead, she changed the subject.

"I'm starving, aren't _you_?" Winry asked Ed. "We should be heading back to Hughes' house. Isn't Gracia a really good cook?"

"Yeah, we should go back!" Al said. "I need to make a habitat for Benjamin and make sure he grows up all nice and healthy!" He picked Benjamin from the ground and started petting him.

Winry squinted at that weird little brown thing in Al's hands. "What _is_ that?" she asked, trying to sound nice.

"He's a duckling!"

"An _ugly_ duckling," Envy corrected him.

Winry ignored Envy and asked Ed, "So are we going or not?"

Ed glanced at Envy, who was giving him a stern look. He said to Ed, "Quit getting distracted from your work."

Ed replied, "But this will actually help! You see, Hughes is part of the investigations division so he's good at solving mysteries. That means we'll be able to find whoever's behind the _Sleeping Beauty_ thing a lot faster so I can finally get to work on the other thing."

"Why don't you start on the other thing first?"

"Because . . . I'm hungry," Ed dodged the question. The reason he did not want to work on Marcoh's notes was because they made him feel stupid.

Envy groaned. He really had no choice but to go along with this. "Okay, but I'm gonna have to live with you guys to make sure work actually gets done."

Winry was lost in their confusing conversation, but as soon as she heard Envy's conclusion, she protested, "Wait, you can't just decide to live in someone's house! And I bet you don't even know the Hughes family!"

"You didn't really know them either," Ed pointed out. "And they're letting you stay over for as long as you like." Gasp! Did Ed just defend Envy? Winry was now über jealous that Ed was putting this stranger over her.

And so all of them walked back to the Hughes residence together. Winry was right behind Envy so she could glare at him the entire way. She tried to understand what he and the Elrics were saying, but she did not know what they meant by "the notes" or "Mark-O." Winry imagined a love note and marking "O" means "hugs" . . . or is it "kisses"? This made Winry very suspicious of the stranger and she felt like Ed was in danger for one reason or another. She needed some answers.

They reached the house and Gracia was quick to get the door. "Hello, Ed! Hughes had just called and he would like to see you in his office," she said as she invited the others in. Ed stayed at the door. Al went straight to the back yard to tend to Benjamin's needs.

"What about?" Ed asked.

Gracia thought for a moment. ". . . Are you familiar with Juliet Douglas?"

Envy became alert and he was about to confront Gracia, but then Winry held him back. "I need some answers from you, _Envy_," she said in a strict voice.

Gracia continued: "I'm pretty sure she's the Fuhrer's secretary . . . That's all I know."

Ed immediately knew who she was talking about; that woman who looks like his mommy. Ed was suspicious of her too and he had no freaking clue why he chose to ignore this for so long. "Okay, I'll be back later." And Ed dashed away.

"No . . ." Envy weakly called out as Winry dragged him further away from the front door.

"What's your problem?" Winry said.

"Juliet Douglas used to be Trisha Elric but no one's supposed to figure that out yet." Then Envy stood silent for a while, feeling awfully stupid. Gracia gasped and Winry looked terrified. Envy slapped his forehead. "Aw, crap."

* * *

Jean Havoc – 1 day, 4 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Man, there's something I really wanna blurt out, but adultswim isn't far enough yet . . . but I _did_ already say it in an earlier fic. Oh, what a predicament.


	9. Trigger Words

Aztec Goddess: Wow, still only the second day.

Timeline: About an hour since the last chapter has passed.

* * *

Trigger Words

"Fuhrer, we've successfully awaken all the sleeping militants," Sloth reported to Pride in his office. She looked though some of her notes. ". . . Except for Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc, but Colonel Roy Mustang and his units are dealing with him."

"Okay, that's fine," Pride answered. "But where are Envy and Lust?"

"Lust?" Gluttony repeated. He sat depressed in a corner. "Where's Lust? Where did Lust go?"

Sloth scratched her hair, not sure how to explain the situation to Pride. "When I went to the basement earlier, Envy was already gone. And that scarred man was awake . . ."

Pride chuckled. "I knew it! The way Lust always complained about that man; it was bound to happen!" Then he got serious. "But where are they now?"

"Lust told me she is leaving us so she can pursue the philosopher's stone on her own with Scar. They mentioned the name _Zolf_ _Kimblee_. I tried to change their minds by force, but they killed me several times and made their escape. They can be anywhere by now."

"Kimblee," Pride repeated. "Now why does that name sound familiar?"

"He's the Crimson Alchemist, the one who killed his own men during the massacre at Ishbal. He was sent to prison and presumed executed. But he was one of the prisoners that were supposed to be used as a sacrifice. I suppose he made his escape when Lust, Envy, and Gluttony failed to get the Elrics to Lab 5 on time."

Both Sloth and Pride gave Gluttony a disappointed look. "But I was hungry!" Gluttony defended himself. "And that reminds me. We lost the prisoners. Maybe they're hungry too."

Pride shook his head. "This is embarrassing. We must never let Dante discover all this." Then he thought for a moment. "I think the fair thing to do is to ruin Lust's plans. I'll order all available units to search for the Crimson Alchemist. And if we're lucky, maybe he'll prove useful."

"How much more time do we have?" Sloth asked. "I mean, until–"

"Yes, I know. Our only choice right now is to rely on Colonel Mustang and the others to prevent those things." Pride closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He knew how his military worked so he knew those things he was talking about were _not_ going to be prevented. "You're dismissed. Go do things secretaries do."

And so Sloth made her way to the cafeteria to brew some coffee. But her timing was horrible. Ed was there, gobbling down some lunch as Maes talked to him and showed him the research he had made concerning "Juliet Douglas".

As Sloth strode by them as quickly as possible, se heard some of Maes words: "–Douglas died – Ishbal – chicken pox! – this one's a fake – look at my daughter!" Sloth glanced at Maes and saw that he was now showing off pictures of his daughter to people nearby and his voice was loud and clear: "Can you believe this little angel has the chicken pox! What is this world coming to?"

"You have no idea," Sloth muttered under her breath. Then she saw that Ed noticed her and was motioning for Maes to follow him. Sloth abandoned the idea of making coffee and walked out of the room. She knew she was being followed – their footsteps were obvious – so she quickened her pace. They were now walking down a corridor with a few other militants walking around here and there. At least she was not trapped.

"Miss Douglas," Maes called out.

_Oh, so the weren't trying to be sneaky_, Sloth concluded. She almost forgot she was a secretary. Sloth cautiously turned around and asked in her patient voice, "May I help you men?" She shot Ed a mysterious look. Ed backed off a little.

"Can we speak privately?"

"I don't see a reason why," Sloth answered.

Maes gave her his most serious look. "It's about you not being the real Juliet Douglas."

Meanwhile, not far outside, at a park bench to be exact, a little partnership was facing more problems. Lust and Scar were tired of searching for the all-so-wanted Zolf Kimblee without even the slightest clue on where to look. They were hungry too and Scar still needed a new shirt. Scar does not like looking poor by wearing tattered clothes so he really had nothing covering his sexy chest that Lust was so fixated on.

"Quit looking at me. Quit looking at me," Scar repeatedly mumbled as he tried to relax on his side of the bench. He was staring straight ahead at nothing in particular.

Lust was offended. She scooted closer to Scar and crossed her arms in a way to show off her cleavage. "Why are you being so mean? We're _partners_, remember?"

"Quit looking at me."

"Look at me when I'm talking!"

Lust expected Scar to stare down at her breasts like any other man, but Scar is so devoutly religious, he did not even think to look there. Scar stared right at Lust's face and she was looking back at him. Staring into each other's eyes is usually considered romantic, but Scar killed the potential moment by repeating, "Quit looking at me."

"Why are you being so difficult?" Lust pouted.

"_You're_ the one being difficult," Scar replied. "How can you even think we're supposed to be together when you don't even know my name?"

Lust frowned. "Are you sure your name _isn't_ Abel?" she asked with a suspicious look on her face.

"Yes, I'm pretty damn sure."

"What if I can guess your name?"

"I'll be impressed."

Lust immediately guessed, "Rumplestilskein!"

Scar almost felt like laughing at how sure of herself Lust looked. "Wow, and to think you couldn't get even more ridiculous." Noticing that Lust somehow came closer to Scar, he scooted to the edge of the bench.

Lust pouted again. "Fine, if you're not going to tell me, I'll call you whatever I want, _muffin_." Scar flinched. And someone giggled madly. The partners faced forward and they saw a happy palm tree. No, not literally – it was Envy again! "Damn it, Envy!" Lust yelled. "How long were you here?"

Envy did not hear Lust's question since he was too busy laughing. But he suddenly stopped and asked: "Do you know the muffin man?" A faint, annoying tune began to play in the background.

"The muffin man?" Scar repeated.

"The muffin man!" Envy looked genuinely confused. "Do you know the muffin man?" he asked Lust, then bit his lips and looked down at himself as if something was horribly wrong.

"Shut up, Envy," Lust scowled.

The annoying tune suddenly stopped. Envy blinked several times and slowly said, ". . . That was weird." Then he looked happy. "Hey, I'm back in control!"

Lust's eyes widened. "You mean to say you didn't purposely say all that crap just now?"

Envy nervously shook his head. "Oh, hell no! But, but that stupid curse can't be real! And it wouldn't start so soon, right?"

"Wait, what just happened?" Scar asked.

But Scar did not get an answer since a woman came up to them and asked, "Excuse me. Are you Scar, the man who killed all those State Alchemists?"

"Uh . . ." Scar brilliantly answered.

The woman gasped a happy gasp. "You are! You fit the description perfectly! I love those stories about you – can I take some pictures?"

Scar and the homunculi stared dumbly at the stranger. "Are you serious?" Scar asked.

The woman nodded happily as she took out her camera and a wad of cash from her purse. "How much do you usually pay for a picture?"

Was this stranger a tourist? Did she think Scar was nothing but one of Central's main attractions? That seemed like the only logical explanation, so Scar decided to take advantage of her. "That huge wad of cash looks like enough," he replied.

The woman stared fondly at her money. "Yes, I suppose that's fair. I'm sure a picture of you will be worth much more in the future." She handed the money to Scar – roughly enough to buy a nice car if he chose to – and then pushed the homunculi aside, got Scar to sit right in the middle of the bench and took some pictures. She then turned to Lust. "You're his girlfriend, right? Would you like to be in a picture?"

Lust gave a hopeful glance at Scar. He rolled his eyes in response, but did not say "no" so Lust sat herself right next to him, rested her head on his shoulder, and smiled for the picture. Then the strange woman cheered, "Group shot!" She handed the camera to Envy and sat herself on the other side of Scar. Envy was too confused to oppose, so he took a picture. Then the woman took back her camera, thanked them, and went away.

"Wow, that was even weirder," Envy commented. Then he looked at Scar and Lust. "Aw, look at the cute couple!" Scar was deep in thought, possibly wondering who that strange woman could be, so he had not said anything to Lust, who was still leaning on him. Lust was very happy with this.

"So, why the hell are you here, Envy?" Lust asked.

Envy crossed his arms. "That's none of your business!" Then his face twisted into a devious smirk. "But as you should already know, considering that the military has no interest in recapturing Scar, they have a new target. Guess who it is!"

Lust did not know where Envy was going with this. "Just tell me," she said.

"It's the same guy you're looking for! And if they find him before you do, he'll be under a lot of protection by the military! Ha, now you can't win!" Envy laughed triumphantly.

"So where's Ed?' Lust sneakily changed the subject.

"I'm off to get him because he's not supposed to know about Sloth yet. I already told some people everything about her, but they totally understand now." Envy stood silent for a moment again. "Damn, I did it again! Why's it so hard to keep all these dramatic secrets?"

"You mean people know about Sloth now!" Lust spat. She stood up from the bench and confronted Envy. She gave him a smug smile and calmly told him, "As I said before, anyone with that father turns out unreliable, weak, and _stupid_. So very stupid."

Envy glared angrily at Lust. "Shut up about that! Hohenheim's the only stupid one – I'll show you!" And he angrily stormed away to his original destination: HQ.

Scar came out of his deep thoughts. He stared at all the money he got, then at Lust, who was contently watching Envy go away. Scar was feeling very giving, so he said to Lust, "Hey, you." Lust immediately turned to him. "You haven't nagged at me for five full minutes. Let's go find good use of this money."

Lust brightened up, grabbed Scar's hands and pulled him off the bench. "Shopping! We both need new clothes and then we can have a romantic dinner and rent a room in a fancy hotel and–"

"Don't push your luck."

"Okay." But Lust still had high hopes for them.

Now let us go back with Ed, Maes, and Sloth. They were now in a vacant room having a crucial conversation. Sloth stood across from the other two and she was pleasantly calm. She knew if things did not go well for her, she can kill them. "So are you men calling me an imposter?" she politely asked.

"The real Douglas died and is no longer on the roster," Maes explained. "Care to explain yourself?"

"And why do you _look_ like that?" Ed added.

"Oh dear, you're getting warmer," Sloth replied, smiling at Ed. "I can't have that." She extended her arm; it turned into water and shot at Ed. Maes instinctively threw a dagger at her and when she was hit, her body momentarily rippled like water.

"What the hell . . ." Maes wondered.

"Your body," Ed examined. "It's like some sort of substance between a solid and a gas."

"You could have at least said _liquid_ to not sound like an idiot," Sloth replied. Then she changed fully into water then back into her human form, now with a black dress and black hair. "Can you die happy now that you know who I am?"

Maes and Ed exchanged confused looks, then shrugged. "Um, you didn't tell us who you are," Ed replied.

"Did you just threaten us?" Maes asked.

Sloth examined Ed and Maes' genuinely confused looks. "Wait, so you really have no clue?" She pointed to her ouroboros. "This doesn't look familiar? Surely you, Ed, should have figured this out by now." Then she smiled mockingly. "Oh, wait. You haven't even figured out Marcoh's notes yet."

Ed was offended. "But how do you know about that?" He gasped. "Are you another crazy stalker that wants me to make the philosopher's stone? Is that why you make yourself look like my mom – so you'd gain my trust? But how do you know my mom?"

Sloth's smile softened. "Ed, honey, I _am_ your mom."

Ed became speechless. Maes rubbed his chin. "Was that supposed to be one of those 'yo mama' jokes? It's not very funny."

"You men know too much already," Sloth said. "It's time to say good-bye."

Sloth turned both her arms into water and – _thump_! The door broke open and Envy came running in yelling, "Sloth, you better not do anything to these guys!"

Sloth stopped her attack, annoyed. "Why?" she sharply asked.

"Because I still need nene to make the philosopher's stone," Envy explained. Then he pointed at Maes. "And you can't just kill _him_! His wife is the most awesome human around here and I won't let you make her sad!" Envy gave Maes a thumps-up. "Good job on marrying her!"

"Aw, thanks!" Maes replied, rubbing the back of his head from embarrassment.

Sloth raised an eyebrow at Envy. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Of course!" Envy answered. "I ate a little while ago and Gracia's an amazing cook! And she was the most understanding when I explained how you're Trisha Elric, the homunculi your sons made when they wanted their mommy back." Envy turned to Ed. "Yeah, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It took a while for Winry to understand it all and Al's still a bit shocked, but he's alright."

Sloth was pissed off. "You told people about me? How 'bout I tell Ed _your_ life story?"

Ed did not know if he _wanted_ to understand. "But homunculi don't exist! This isn't possible!"

Envy patted Ed's head. "Just let it all sink in."

"This isn't fair!" Sloth was still ranting. "Now that people know about me, how am I supposed to secretly go on with my work?"

Meas did not know what the hell was going on, but he wanted to help. He told Sloth, "Um, you can stay at my place until all this is sorted out."

"Hey, that's great!" Envy said. "Al wants to see her. Oh, and Gracia's letting me stay at your house, too. I'm Envy!" he finally introduced himself.

Maes tried to make sense of all of this. "So . . . Ed and Al are living with me. And that girl Winry too, who happens to be old friends with them. And the secretary's their long-lost mom, if I'm not mistaken. And you, Envy, seem to know everyone." Envy nodded. Maes was amazed. "Wow, it's a small world af–"

"NO!" Envy shrieked as he tackled Maes to the ground. "If you value life itself, you will not finish your statement!"

Sloth was quick to understand this and she gasped. "You mean the trigger words are in full effect? But it's so soon!"

"Trigger words?" Maes asked.

Envy hopped off of Maes. "There are some words or statements that trigger really bad things."

"_Singing and dancing_ bad," Sloth added. "That's what happens when our world becomes to closely connected to fairy tales. And it'll get worse the longer this keeps going on."

"How can we stop this?" Maes asked. "How did this even start?"

"Sorry, I only know the answer to your first question," Sloth said. "According to the information I've gathered, the first thing that showed up here was _Sleeping Beauty's_ spinning wheel. Many people fell under its curse since then and all this will end once they're all broken."

"Havoc . . ." Ed whispered the only thing he could think of.

"Yes, Jean Havoc still needs to be awaken," Sloth nodded. "However, if that takes too long, chances are other curses will show up and then those will have to be broken as well. This could easily get out of hand."

"Wow, that sucks," Maes commented. "Does the Fuhrer know?"

"Of course. He's helping in his own way." Then Sloth glared at Envy. "And you better learn how to keep your stupid mouth shut."

Envy glared back. "I'm _not_ stupid."

* * *

Jean Havoc – 1 day, 8 hours, 45 minutes 

Aztec Goddess: Heh, ironic that Envy _saved_ the loveable Hughes here.


	10. Happy Odds

Aztec Goddess: (wails dramatically) I was groundeded. . .ed and that's why it took me so long to come back! (sniffles) I couldn't even play video games! The horror!

Timeline: About right after the previous chapter.

* * *

Happy Odds

Riza walked all around HQ knowing that there was something that she forgot to do, so she was trying to remember. She woke up this morning. Check. She went to the bathroom. Check. She took a shower. Check. She put on her uniform. Check. She ate breakfast. Check. She found a fairy tale book with the help of the Elrics. Check. She gave the book to Roy. Check. She ate lunch. Check. What was missing?

This bothered Riza. She knew that there was something she always did right after she ate breakfast. What the hell was it? Riza sighed. "Oh well, I guess I can go help Sheska." Then she snorted because she knew that was not going to happen. So she made her way to her room.

But as soon as Riza reached for her door, she paused. She really wanted to remember that something, so she closed her eyes and concentrated. That was when Riza heard a faint scratching sound followed by a weak whimper. Was a burglar in her room? But why would he be crying? Was the guilt of intruding into someone's belongings too much for him? This made very little sense, but Riza took out her gun anyway and busted into her room.

"Freeze!" she demanded and she pointed her gun at the only other living thing in her room . . . her forgotten doggy, Black Hayate. Her doggy ran to her feet and whimpered some more. Riza put her gun away and gasped. "Black Hayate! How'd I forget to feed you?" She rushed to the cupboard where the dog food is kept and put several handfuls in the doggy dish on the floor.

Black Hayate energetically wagged his tail and started gobbling up his food. Riza crouched down next to her doggy and stroked his back. "You poor thing. And it's been a long time since you've had a walk. I'm sorry; I don't have time for you right now." She sighed. Black Hayate gave Riza a blank stare for a moment them went back to practically inhaling his food.

"But don't worry – I won't give you away!" Riza kept on talking to her doggy that was paying no mind to her. ". . . Even though you're costing me a lot of money, you wake me up at night, and you shouldn't even be here . . . I'll make Fury take care of you for a while!"

Black Hayate was already done eating, so Riza put his leash on him, picked him up and they left her room to search for Cain Fury. They ran into Roy instead. And he was actually reading the book.

"I've been wondering, Hawkeye," Roy mused as he intently read the book and started following Riza. "Were these people on drugs when they wrote these stories?"

"I'm in a hurry–" Riza started.

"Seriously though, who'd think you can shrink in size by eating a mushroom? And why is a caterpillar smoking a huge bottle of perfume?" Roy had many more serious questions: "Why does the girl talk to doorknobs? And why are they whacking gerbils with flamingos?"

Riza rolled her eyes in frustration. Maybe making Roy read was a bad idea. "It's nice to know you're literate, Colonel," she replied. "When you finish that story, I assure you it'll all make sense."

Roy did not believe Riza. "How do you make sense out of a rabbit that doesn't mate once in the story?"

Riza sighed. "I dunno, it could be neutered." Black Hayate let out a whimper at the mention of that terrible word. But then he smelled something familiar so he started wagging his tail again.

Roy looked up from his book and he saw a familiar figure carrying around a bag. "Is that Fury over there? I could have sworn I gave him too much work for him to have any leisure time." No one was listening to him. Riza had already run up to Cain with her doggy. This made Roy sad so he chased after them.

"Fury! Do you have any free time on your hands?" Riza asked. Black Hayate panted happily at the sight of the person who brought him here.

Cain stared unbelievably at Riza. "_Nah_. I just came from the photo developer and I'm off to get more film and then I'm back to babysitting Havoc until he wakes up. But other than that, I have all the time in the world!"

Riza did not notice the sarcasm in Cain's voice – or perhaps she chose to ignore it – so she handed Black Hayate to him. The doggy jumped into Cain and licked his face. Cain held him up with his free hand. "Good!" Riza said. "So that means you can take care of Black Hayate for a few days! He needs a walk today."

"But . . ." Cain started weakly.

"Looks like you need to prioritize," Roy pointed out.

Cain was not exactly leaping for joy. In fact, he would have kicked Roy if he was not so afraid to. Instead, he whined, "Why am I the only one getting so much work?"

"Sheska too," Roy added. "You should go help her and find a place for all those pictures."

Cain mumbled censored things all the way back to Roy's office as Black Hayate licked his face some more. Riza looked a tad confused. "Yeah, why is that, Colonel? Why mostly Sheska and Fury?"

The answers came simple to Roy: "First of all, no one cares about Sheska. And she's new so it's only natural to give her a hard time." But Roy had to decide how to word Cain's explanation carefully. "As for Cain Fury . . . It's just a hunch, but I'll bet anything that I'm right."

Riza raised an eyebrow. ". . . Right about what?"

Roy chuckled a little. "You'll see soon enough!" Then he went back to reading. ". . . Oh, so it was just a dream? That's cheap."

Cain angrily swung open the door to Roy's office so hard the doorknob left a nice dent on the wall. He threw the bag filled with pictures of random women kissing Jean at the empty couch. Then he put Black Hayate down, holding on to his leash. The doggy titled his head from side to side, confused by how pissed off Cain was.

Sheska, Vato, and Heymans said nothing at first. They just stared in awe and fear at the _usually_ happy militant in front of them. Cain looked at the still sleeping Jean and around the room and noticed something was missing. "Why aren't there any other women here?" he asked.

Sheska answered, "Um, I think we're done with this city." Realizing what she had said, Sheska squealed happily, "We're done with this city!"

Heymans did not understand why Sheska was so happy. "But we're far from done," he said. "What about East City and South and–"

"Shut up; let me enjoy this moment," Sheska snarled. Then she squealed happily again, "We're done with this city!"

Cain was far from enjoying this moment. "I was ordered to take Black Hayate for a walk," he said. The doggy wagged his tail when he heard his name. "So if one of you will be so kind, please take all the recent pictures you've taken to a developer." Vato volunteered so Cain left the room only a little less stressed out.

Heymans thought for a moment. Then he asked Sheska, "Wait, how many women came by today?"

Sheska pointed at the huge checklist. "Feel free to count." She headed out the door and before she left, she said, "I'm taking a break."

There was really nothing left to do in the room, so poor Jean Havoc was left all alone on the couch, drooling a little. How tragic it must be to make out with over half the women in a city and not even know it.

Meanwhile, there were a lot of things to settle at the Hughes residence. First and foremost, there was that little problem about Sloth calling herself Ed and Al's mother. They were all in the living room – Sloth, Ed, Al, Envy, Maes, Gracia, Elysia, Winry, and Benjamin.

While the others sat on a couch or chair, Sloth was standing, facing her stunned "sons" who were standing as well, but not as poised as her. She started, "I'm sorry that this moment isn't as dramatic as it should be. Thank that idiot Envy for that." She glanced over at Envy, who glared back at her.

Al replied, "But if you're a homunculus, then you're not _really_ . . . are you?"

"I have the memories."

Ed scratched his head in frustration. "Aw, enough of this! How do we know if you're lying or not?"

Elysia scratched one of the red spots on her face. She scooted closer to Gracia and whispered, "What's going on, Mommy?"

"Well, from what I know so far," Gracia started, "Ed and Al tried to resurrect their mommy by using alchemy and they created that homunculus instead since everyone knows you can't bring back the dead." She looked at Envy. "And I suppose you're a homunculus as well since you have that ouroboros mark? I bet you're closely related to the Elrics too!"

Envy and Sloth stared at Gracia in awe, then they clapped for her. "Wow, you can outdo your husband in his own job," Sloth complimented her.

Elysia blinked blankly at her mother. "No, I meant why are all these people in our house?"

Gracia did not know the answer to that, so she turned to her husband. Maes shrugged and said, "I guess because we have enough room? . . . No. Wow, we need to consider the sleeping arrangement."

Ed cleared his throat. "Ahem. Are we forgetting mine and Al's mother complex?" He nodded towards Sloth.

Envy waved an arm. "Who cares? That's old news!"

Just for the sake of contradicting Envy, Winry quickly and almost angrily replied, "That's so rude! Can't you imagine how hard this must be for Ed? –And Al?"

"This'll be easier for them in the morning when they can think more clearly," Envy pointed out. "And that's why it's more important to figure out who sleeps where."

Before Winry could come up with a better argument, the phone rang. Maes picked it up. "Hello? . . . Oh, hey Roy! You wanna talk to my dau – oh . . ." Maes glanced at the Elrics. "Yeah, they're here. Huh? What about Jean? . . . Wow, I didn't know about that." Then Maes said to Ed, "Roy wants to know if you can leave to–"

"If it has anything to do with a fairy tale," Ed replied, "then no."

Maes went back to talking to Roy. "You heard that? . . . Okay . . . Wait, what? You serious? . . . Okay, bye." Maes put the phone back in place then told the others in a professional manner, "Edward and I have new orders from the Colonel. Since we will not be aiding them at South City, it is our duty to bring Denny and Maria together as romantic couples."

Envy responded first. He slapped his forehead and said, "What the hell? Pride's allowing this?"

"I believe he's encouraging it," Sloth replied. Then she realized Envy said _Pride_ instead of_ Fuhrer_ so she added. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Shut up."

But it was too late. Gracia already figured it out. "_Pride_ wouldn't happen to be the Fuhrer?" she asked politely.

Sloth gave Envy a death glare, and she never did that before, so Envy was scared. And so Envy needed to think of a way to save himself. He blurted out "_Under the Sea_!" then ran and hid in a guest room.

"Damn you, you–" Sloth shrieked as she chased the palm tree, but her voice cut off and she involuntarily stopped in her tracks. She shut her mouth and eyes as hard as she could; hoping that the worst would not happen. But it did. A sharp chill crawled up her spine as catchy music started playing in the background . . .

Anyway, on the other line of the phone in Roy's office, Roy spun around in his chair reading and waiting for all the other people he called to show up. "This story's just as messed up," he said to himself. "Now don't tell me that people turning into furniture is normal. . ."

Riza and Sheska were the first to enter the office. "What is it?" the both asked in unison, but Sheska was much less enthusiastic.

Roy put his book down. "First of all, Sheska, I need you to pile the checklist up in nice, neat stacks." He pointed to all the papers scattered on the floor which was his fault because he wanted room on his desk in case he wanted to put his feet up. "Hawkeye can help if she wants to. We need to wait for the others."

Riza did help Sheska this time out of pity. Heymans and Vato came in moments later and since Roy was too into the book to say anything to them, they started helping Sheska as well. But then Roy did not look happy about what he was reading. "Hawkeye, what does pro–vin–ci. . .al mean? That's all this girl's saying!"

"Provincial," Riza repeated. "The way that girl uses it, she means _limited_ like how she doesn't seem to have many choices in life."

Roy snorted. "Then why can't she just say _that_? She just wants me to feel stupid, huh!"

Riza rolled her eyes again. "Yes, Colonel. That fictitious character is using big word not to show her intelligence but just to make you, Roy Mustang, feel stupid."

"I think so too," Roy replied as he went on reading.

Sheska, Heymans, and Vato exchanged glances. "Has anyone else notice how, um, _different_ the Colonel's been acting?" Heymans whispered to the others.

"Yeah, I've never seen him read before," Vato whispered back. "Maybe he finally lost it."

Just then, Cain finally entered the room with a joyful Black Hayate on his leash. But Cain looked beat. "Sorry . . . I took so long," he mumbled as he caught his breath. "But Black Hayate wanted to go back outside and . . . he just wouldn't stop chasing . . . some kind of cat wearing boots."

"Ooh, I think I saw that in the table of contents!" Roy declared as he skipped to the beginning of the book and read, "_Puss in Boots_." Then he giggled. But then Roy closed the book and gave Cain a stern look. "You failed to follow all my orders."

"Huh? What are you–"

"When I came in here, poor, defenseless Jean Havoc was completely unsupervised." Roy pointed to the sleeping militant. "What if someone snuck in here and tried to kill him? What if a bomb went off in this room and they'd be no one to save him? What if a fire–"

"Then we'd blame you, Colonel," Riza replied.

"That's not the point!" Roy defended himself. "I clearly remember my orders and one of them is to _never_ leave Havoc alone. And I decided that Fury will be the one to make sure of that." He stared down at poor little Cain. "Explain yourself."

Cain did not know what to say. "Uh – I didn't know – Black Hayate – Gah! This is ridiculous!" He was starting to show his anger again, which is actually the healthiest thing to do. "Nothing happened, so what's the problem?" Cain was almost yelling and the others were amazed, especially Roy.

"Hm, I suppose there really isn't a problem," Roy concluded. "Anyway, I brought you all here because it has come to my attention that we've run out of eligible women in this city, so let's go get the Fuhrer's permission to go to South."

"You seriously think the Fuhrer will allow this?" Riza asked.

"Why not?" Roy answered. "We're doing this for a noble cause!" He turned to Cain. "Go clean Havoc's face and meet us at the Fuhrer's. Bring him with you, of course."

Roy left first, followed by Riza, then Skeska, Heymans, and Vato left each with part of the checklist. But then Roy quickly poked his head through the door and said to Cain, "I almost forgot! You need to bring all the pictures, too!" Then he rushed back to catch up with the others. Now Cain felt more like crying rather than throwing a tantrum.

When Roy and the others made it to the Fuhrer's office, another militant was already there talking to him. "No, I don't believe I've seen him," he said. It was Frank Archer.

"Others came by earlier and confirmed that he is no longer in this city," Pride said. "Well, unless some didn't return. Either way, it's best to start looking somewhere else and you're quite familiar with South City, correct?"

"What a coincidence!" Roy butted in. "We need to go there too!"

Pride and Frank just stared at the intruders for a while. ". . . For what reason?" Pride finally asked.

"Um, same reason as him." Roy pointed at Frank, which proves he can be crafty when he needs to be. Riza was proud that Roy did not come up with a stupid explanation, or tell the truth, which in this case is not all that different.

Pride blinked at Roy. "So this means Second Lieutenant Havoc has awakened?"

Roy shrunk back, not knowing what to expect. "Oh, so you've heard . . ." Seriously, what would a Fuhrer think if his military was spending all its time gathering women to take turns kissing a sleeping man?

Pride nodded. "Yes, of course. And I believe doing all you can to wake him up is just as important as recapturing the Crimson Alchemist." Everyone except Pride and Frank gasped.

"You mean he's _alive_?" Roy cried.

Frank lowered his eyelids at Roy, wondering how this man came to outrank him. "Yeah, that's kinda why we've been looking for him all day," he replied. "You didn't get the orders earlier?"

"Now, now, you must learn how to get along," Pride told them. "I'm allowing you all to leave for South immediately. I can get a train prepared in an hour. So, who else is coming along?"

"Havoc and Sergeant Major Cain Fury," Roy replied.

Frank thought for a moment. "How about Armstrong?"

Everyone else shrieked, "NO!"

"Eight's enough," Pride said. It looked like he would have preferred less, most likely because all this fairy tale crap makes it extremely easy for the military to make asses out of themselves. "Frank Archer, I'll promote you to Colonel if you bring back the Crimson Alchemist alive."

Frank saluted. "Thank you, Fuhrer." He headed towards the door, but then it opened by itself, revealing a pissed-off Cain.

"Thank you for all your _help_!" Cain mocked, dragging along Jean with both hands, the bag of pictures tucked under an arm, and Black Hayate's leash wrapped around the other. He let Jean and the bag fall flat on the floor so he can rest his arms a little. Then Cain quickly saluted at the Fuhrer and said, "Please pardon my entrance. It's just–"

"No worries," Pride said, looking quite amused. "To make things fair, Archer will help you carry your luggage."

Frank saw it best to cooperate. Plus, he was happy to know that he will soon be a Colonel. How hard could it be to find just _one_ person out of millions?

* * *

Jean Havoc – 1 day, 12 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Gasp! I'm running behind now!


	11. Good Morning

Aztec Goddess: Wow . . . I predicted the future. Somehow, I knew people would bring cows to school for financial purposes. Anyway, here's the next chapter!

Timeline: Four hours have passed. It is about midnight.

* * *

Good Morning

"Is your name Richard?"

"No."

"Rick?"

"No."

". . . Dick?"

Scar looked upward to ask Ishbala for mercy before he answered Lust again: "No. And do you realize you're repeating the _same_ name?" This has gone on for hours. Ever since Scar made a little promise to Lust if she could guess his name. Oh, how he wished he never made that promise.

Lust did not rest her mouth for even a second throughout the train ride. They were stowaways, hiding in the part of the train where all the pillows are stored for a hobo's convenience. They would have had enough money for first class, but Lust got her way when it came to shopping. She now has a custom-made wedding dress on hold even though Scar was completely against it. Well, at least he had enough money to buy clothes identical to his old ones.

"Give me a clue!" Lust whined. They were both sitting up on the huge pile of pillows and Lust was sneakily inching her way closer. "You know I'll go on forever since you promised a real kiss when I get your name!"

"Yeah, but you'll never figure it out, so quit trying."

"Why are you being so mean? I'm trying to make things work between us, but–"

"There's never been anything between _us_," Scar snapped back. "You're mistaking me as my brother."

"No I'm not! I woke _you_ up, not your brother, and that's proof enough!"

Scar just stared for a while. ". . . That made very little sense, y'know."

Lust was so very frustrated. "Can't you see that I'm an extremely attractive woman madly in love with you? So, what the hell? I'm opening a whole new world for you and–" Lust stopped. She realized what she had said and was a little nervous that Scar will not be pleased with it. _A Whole New World_.

Scar was stunned. He tried to tell Lust to finish her statement, but nothing came out at first when he opened his mouth. Instead, a soothing melody started to play and Scar glanced around trying to find out where it was coming from. But it was futile. And he could not keep himself from singing:

"I can show you the world." Scar gave Lust an accusing look, even though he had no clue what was going on. "Shining, shimmering, splendid." Lust shrugged and smiled in response. And she was even happier when Scar suddenly grasped her hands in his own. Scar stared at their hands, utterly bewildered. "Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide."

Since Lust knew Scar had almost no control over his body, she decided to enjoy this. "Princess. I like that nickname," Lust whispered as she crawled as close as possible to Scar so she rested her head on his chest as he continued the song.

"I can open your eyes. Take you wonder by wonder." Scar could not even try to get Lust off of him. His body was against him and he could only pray that things will not get scary. "Over, sideways, and under –"

"Get a room, you jerks!" A nearby hobo yelled at them. "Man, have you no decency?"

"You're the jerk!" Lust yelled back at him. She was so pissed off; she extended her nails and killed the hobo. She glared at the other hobo among the pillows. "Do _you_ have anything to add?" That hobo shook his head vigorously and cowered in fear. Lust turned back to Scar and said in a sweet voice, "Please continue."

But the music had stopped. And Scar did not have his hands over Lust's anymore. He simply replied, "Get off."

And Lust got the brilliant idea to say, "Make me!"

Scar is not one to push a girl, but he did, which proved to be a wonderful mistake in Lust's part because she took him down with her. They fell with a soft _plop_ onto the pillows and Lust turned them both over so she was on top of Scar now. "_Over, sideways, and under_," she repeated the song with a suggestive smile. "How does the next part go?"

"On a magic carpet ride," Scar replied indifferently.

Lust made a face. "Aw, that's disappointing."

"Get used to it." Scar pushed Lust off of him again at this time she landed beside him. "The both of us are here for one reason only."

Lust frowned. "You know what? I don't even care about the philosopher's stone. And what good is revenge to you, really? Let's just forget about the Crimson Alchemist–"

"Nothing's stopping you from staying behind, but I'm not quitting." When Scar said this, the train started slowing down. It soon came to a complete stop. The living hobo scurried out of the open door and Scar followed afterward.

Lust jumped out of the train, too. "How dare you try to leave me behind! And how do you know if we're heading in the right direction anyway? What if this is all a huge waste of time? We could be–"

"Shut up," Scar shushed her. He grabbed her arm and dragged her behind a column in the almost-empty train station. "Look over there." He nodded towards the front of a train and they both watched a group in blue uniforms get off. "The military's looking for Kimblee too, so why else would they be here?"

Heymans and Vato got off the train first, still carrying stacks of the list. Sheska followed with her stack and almost tripped on the last step, but she clumsily regained composure before she lost any of the papers. Then Roy came out with nothing but the book, and then Riza, carrying nothing. Black Hayate was close at her heels, but it was Cain with the leash. He was also lugging Jean like a backpack and as luck would have it, he tripped on the last step.

"AH!" Cain shrieked, but no one came to his aid. It was like watching a car crash – only much funnier because Jean was now flat on top of Cain. Black Hayate barked out of confusion. Roy laughed. Riza sighed. Then Frank came out, walking around Cain and Jean with the bag of pictures in hand.

"See?" Frank said. "Things would have been easier with Armstrong."

"But not as funny," Roy pointed out. "At least for me."

Cain could not get up. "Um, just wonderin', is anyone planning to help me?"

"Sorry. Hands full," Roy replied, holding the book with both hands.

"Us, too," Sheska added.

"Why doesn't she have anything?" Frank asked, nodding towards Riza.

"I'd love to help," Riza started, "But I'm too stressed–"

"What about me!" Cain cried.

"No, you're too lazy," Frank said to Riza. "And it's rubbing onto your superior."

"Hey, no one calls _me_ lazy!" Roy yelled.

"But you really are," Riza said, crossing her arms. "Maybe I'm getting it from you."

"You're supposed to be on _my_ side!" Roy whined.

"Um, shouldn't we be going –" Sheska started.

"Stay out of this, Sheska." Roy glared at Frank. "I'm not going anywhere until mister albino here shows some respect."

"Oh, I am so sorry for hurting your feelings," Frank retorted.

"_Feelings_? I'm not a woman! Take that back, too!"

"That's crossing the line, Colonel," Riza snapped.

"I can cross any line! I'll be Fuhrer one day!"

"You can't be the freakin' Fuhrer! Look, not even the librarian listens to you!" Frank pointed at Sheska, who was already heading out the train station with Heymans and Vato.

"Hey, get back here!" Roy yelled at them. "Defend me!"

"I've only been given one official order," Sheska snapped. "And that's to keep track of the checklist, and that's all I'm willing to do from now on."

"You can't do that!"

"Man, give her a break!" Heymans defended Sheska.

Riza and Vato yelled things in agreement to Heymans and Roy yelled back and pretty soon, they were all yelling things at the same time, going absolutely nowhere, completely forgetting what the whole argument was about. All the while, Black Hayate was barking and Cain was sobbing, "Help me . . ."

It was well past midnight when they finally left the train station, all in really crappy moods. Well, except for Jean, but he does not count. The night was so ironically pleasant; a full moon; stars shining brightly, and the soft wind feeling like a warm breath. Too bad all that did nothing to help these militants get along.

Cain was carrying Jean on his own and would not dare complain about his back pains and how tired he was. He was lagging behind and only Black Hayate did not mind keeping his pace. The others looked so far away and so spread apart. Maybe they were already out of earshot.

"You think things will get better, Black Hayate?" Cain asked, keeping his voice low. The doggy let out a sad whine. "You're sad, too?" But then Black Hayate regained happiness when he saw that they were getting closer and closer to a fire hydrant. Cain sighed when they stooped in front of the fire hydrant so Black Hayate can do his business. "If only my life was as simple as yours . . ."

The night sky was already getting lighter when they all reached South HQ. Cain could not find the strength to go to his designated room, so he plopped himself down on a couch in the lobby and set Jean and Black Hayate down on the floor beside him. Tragically, he only got three hours of sleep since Roy wanted everyone up and doing their jobs as early as possible.

"C'mon! Get up already!" Roy whined as he shook Cain's shoulder.

"Eh . . . five more minutes . . ." Cain groaned.

"Laziness," Roy scoffed. "You're making me look bad! Get up before that ass Archer comes by!"

Roy heard someone snicker behind him and that made him jump. It was Frank Archer, of course, and he said to Roy with smugness, "I am so much better than you." Then he left the building adding: "Now I'm off to become the best Colonel here!"

Roy was inspired to insult Frank, so he called out, "You won't last long outside! You're too pale – you'll get skin cancer!"

Cain sat up and yawned. "Okay. Now what?"

"The usual," Roy replied. "Take Havoc to your room and gather up some women. I'll be reading." Roy took out _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book_ and started where he left off. He was already over halfway done with it. Riza would be proud if they did not have that argument last night.

Riza was nowhere in sight, perhaps sleeping in, but no one bothered to check. Heymans and Vato quickly grew to hate the whole sleeping beauty crap, but if Sheska could put up with it, they would too. Plus, they saw that Cain had so much more work than them, so they were content. Aside from having to give Black Hayate all his attention, Cain was wondering around South with all the other – very few – militants from HQ, asking seemingly all the citizens they could find if they were familiar with Jean Havoc.

The world sure is ugly in the morning. That time, right before the sun rises, the sky looks like it has been painted blue and grey by a stupid little kid. And if you are not used to waking up around this time, you act as cranky as a stupid little kid. Cain had to face these types of people all morning. Instead of simply saying, "No, I'm not familiar with this Jean Havoc," the people cussed, yelled, and threatened poor little Cain when he came at their door to ask them the question.

Now back to Central, when the sky starts looking normal, there is another problem to face: noise. And there was a lot of it in the Hughes residence. Ed and Maes woke up screaming their heads off and not just because they awoke in each others' arms. Little, itchy, red spots were covering their bodies.

"How the hell did this happen?" Ed shrieked.

"It's the wrath of the chicken pox!" Maes wailed. "We're all gonna die!"

"But I don't wanna die! But how – where's Elysia?"

Elysia had slept on the living room floor like everyone else – except for Envy – and she was just above Ed and her daddy. She sleepily rolled closer to them and her arm hit Ed's face. "What happened?" she mumbled.

Winry sat up and looked around. It looked like they could have all passed out on the floor – why else would they all be here? "Yeah, what _did_ happen?"

"I have a vague remembrance of a song . . ." Gracia mused.

Then they all heard an oddly familiar tune coming out of one of the rooms. It was Envy walking to the kitchen, humming, acting like it was his house. He casually opened the refrigerator and took out leftover pie. After a moment, it was obvious he was humming the song _Under the Sea_ and he even said a few lines: "Down where it's better, down where it's wetter – take it from me!" Then Envy snickered. "That sounds so wrong!"

Sloth glared at Envy again. "I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed yourself, Envy."

"Me, too!" Envy replied as he devoured the pie. Then he sounded serious when he said, "Sloth, it's hard to break it to you, but I think it's best to hear it from someone you don't like: you're a terrible singer."

Sloth fumed. But she calmly replied, "Envy, it's hard to break it to you, but you look retarded, especially with pie all over your face."

"I want pie . . ." Ed started. He was scratching his face and neck with his automail arm and it felt nice.

Envy noticed the chicken pox and that pissed him off. "What? It's like I keep my eyes off of you for a _second_ and you get sick! You're really doing all you can to get out of your work, aren't you? No pie for you!"

Winry was back on the defensive because of Envy. "Ed didn't do anything wrong! Why are you yelling at him?"

Envy stared blankly at Winry. "Who the hell are you anyway?" Winry could not think of a good answer.

"Benjamin's hungry," Al changed the subject.

"Yes, we should all eat," Gracia agreed. She got up from the floor, but when she saw her husband, she freaked. "Ah! Honey, you're infected! We need to go to the hospital right away!" Gracia picked up her daughter and helped her husband up. "Don't scratch!"

"Aw, so you're not making breakfast, Gracia?" Envy whined.

"Sorry! Just – help yourself to anything in the kitchen," Gracia quickly replied as she left the house with her family. The door slammed shut and all was quiet for a moment.

"Um . . ." Ed started, "should I have gone, too?"

"Yeah, probably," Envy said, then motioned towards Sloth. "But you have your mommy here to make you feel better!"

"But that's . . . awkward."

The poor forgotten Benjamin was still pleading Al for food. "Aw, poor Benjamin! Don't worry, I'll figure out what ducks eat!" And so Al left with Benjamin to the backyard to see if he would eat anything there. Ed's stomach growled at the thought of eating.

Winry took this opportunity to say, "I'll make breakfast!"

"No!" Envy protested. "Mechanics are really crappy cooks! _I'll _make breakfast!"

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

Before Envy could keep the argument going, Sloth interrupted, "Both of you shut up and get cooking. We'll decide who's better." Envy and Winry silently agreed to this and got to work in the kitchen. Then Sloth turned to Ed and slapped his arm away from his face. "Quit scratching. You'll make it worse."

"It's _my_ body!" Ed whined.

"And you've proven that you don't know how to take care of it. Just look at your arm and leg." Sloth slapped Ed's other arm away from his stomach. "I told you to quit scratching."

"You can't boss me around! You're not my mo – oh, wait, never mind . . ." Ed had confused himself. "This is gonna take a lot of getting used to . . ."

Singing and not being able to control it takes a lot of getting used to as well. But at least the pain can be lessened with alcohol – at the legal age, of course. And where is a nice, happy place to get alcohol? Devil's Nest!

Zolf was awfully proud and abusing his new ability to break the others into song. They had just finished scaring the crap out of a potential customer by singing to him to be their guest. Once he ran off, Zolf happily cheered, "Again!"

Marta shrieked, "No!"

"Actually, I don't think it's so bad," Dorochet said. Then he laughed. "Did you check out that guy's face, Roa?"

Roa laughed too. "Yeah, he's going to therapy!"

Greed grabbed and opened another beer from the counter. "It's too early. We're not drunk enough yet."

"Aw . . ." Zolf whined.

"What a pain in the ass," Marta spat as she finished her third drink. "I hate singing! It's sick and wrong! It's destroying our society!"

Zolf giggled. "You're jealous 'cause you don't know how to make people sing for you! See? I'm better than you at everything!"

"Oh, shut up! I can stretch way better than you!"

"So? It's not like I'm planning to become a gymnast."

Marta shuddered at that thought. Male gymnasts wear such revealing clothes. "Don't make me sick, Kimblee."

"Hold that thought," Zolf said as he dashed to his room. He retrieved a suspicious-looking book and came back to read to Marta a little passage: "I know too well my own misfortune, but then I love you with the tenderest affection–"

Marta gagged. "How the hell do you read that crap?"

"With my eyes," Zolf replied, not sounding sarcastic. "And I'm inspired now! I'll make all of Dublith sing!" With that said, Zolf was on his merry way to fulfill his dreams.

Greed turned to the chimeras. "I thought I told you guys to get that book away from him."

Dorochet shrugged. "We did try, but he sleeps with it and we don't know where he hides it."

"What's up with that book anyway?" Roa asked.

Greed started off into the distance. "It's a book not meant for humans . . . a fairy tale."

Marta gasped. "But those were all destroyed! How the hell did he get his hands on one?"

"I wish I knew . . ."

* * *

Jean Havoc – 2 days, 2 hours, 0 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Gasp! Things would be getting serious if all this wasn't so ridiculous!


	12. Southern Belle

Aztec Goddess: I wanna explain the cow thing at school: students can buy a square section of the field for a day, then cows are gonna be set free and in whichever sections they crap on, those students win money! What a wonderful world we live in!

Timeline: Right after the last chapter.

* * *

Southern Belle

Happy music flowed through Dublith as Zolf skipped though the streets with his fairy tale book and singing in a girly voice: _"There goes the baker with his tray, like always; the same old bread and rolls to sell."_ He coincidentally passed by a baker when he sang, then he continued: _"Ev'ry morning just the same – as the morning that we came – to this poor provincial town."_

Zolf opened his book and started reading it from the very beginning as he walked on. Little did he know that Scar and Lust were hot on his trail. But the townspeople got on their way as they sang their own part of the song: _"Look there he goes; that man is strange, no question. Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?"_

"Who?" Lust asked.

"Is it the Crimson Alchemist?" Scar demanded, but the townspeople were unable to answer him.

The townspeople all turned ahead and parted to reveal Zolf walking down the street. Scar and Lust tried to get to him, but the other people started crowding and continued the song about Zolf: _"Never part of any crowd 'cause his head's up in some cloud. No denying he's a crazy man, that belle."_

"Belle?" Scar made a face. He lost sight of Zolf since the townspeople suddenly filled the street, greeting one another, asking about the others' families and such. They acted as if Scar or Lust did not exist, so they were pushing and shoving them out of the way.

"We could move forward by force," Lust suggested as she grabbed onto Scar's arm. Scar assumed this was just so they would not get separated.

"No, it's too sad to kill people while they're singing," Scar answered. "But isn't there a way to interrupt them?"

"Yes, I'm sure anything loud enough and irrelevant will do."

Scar and Lust shoved the townspeople back to get closer to Zolf and when they finally got a glimpse of him, they were momentarily stunned by . . . amusement? He slowly spun in a circle and sang, _"There must be more than this provincial life!"_

Zolf was about to waltz into a bookstore, but that was when Scar yelled, "Get your prancing ass over here, you bastard!" The music stopped as if the invisible record player broke suddenly. The townspeople were free of the spell, but they were lost and confused, wondering how they ended up where they were.

Zolf turned around, not looking too happy. "Who the hell messed up my song?" All the townspeople stepped back, forming a half-circle around Scar and Lust. He recognized Lust right away, but who could that Ishbalan be, he wondered.

But poor Zolf had no time to guess since Scar already charged towards him and would have killed Zolf if he did not hop out of the way. Instead, the bookstore got a nice big hole in place of a door. "Hey, what's your problem?" Zolf yelled, protectively hugging his book. "If you want this, you can't have it!"

"I don't want a freakin' book!" Scar chased after Zolf into the crowd, which scattered, so they were all running around aimlessly in confusion, arms flailing, screaming like crazy. "I want you dead! So I can go on with my life!"

"_Why_?" Zolf whined, defending himself with an unlucky townsman. Scar was taken aback by the explosion and Zolf continued, "You're being very mean! Shame on you!" He shook a finger at Scar.

Lust was basically in the middle of this, pondering what Scar had said. She already admitted to Scar that she did not care about the philosopher's stone, so nothing is stopping him from killing the Crimson Alchemist right now. But what next? Scar would say that there is no longer a reason for her to follow him around and . . . the end. No! Lust would not allow such a crappy ending for herself.

"Enough!" Lust extended her nails between the two fighting men. They both stopped and turned to her.

"What now?" Scar said impatiently. "I thought you said you don't need him." Zolf giggled in response to this. Scar glared at him and told him to shut up.

Lust needed a good answer: "Yeah, well, no, but–" Yeah, she messed up right there.

"Which is it? Can I kill him now or not?" Scar demanded.

"You really were trying to kill me?" Zolf asked rather calmly. "You're no fun."

Scar stared at Zolf unbelievably. "Don't you recognize me?"

Zolf gave Scar a blank stare. "Um, I'm pretty sure you're Ishbalan, with your dark skin and red eyes, but you all look alike to me, so–"

"I'm the one you left for dead!"

" . . . You need to be way more specific than that."

Scar was too pissed off to reply again. His hand barely touched Lust's nails, which she quickly retracted them in a panic, so Scar was free to chase after Zolf again. Lust stood alone for a moment, not knowing what to think. Would Scar have blown her nails apart if she gave him the chance? She shook her head, refusing to consider it, and chased after them.

All the townspeople had fled into their houses, leaving Zolf with practically nothing to work with. So he had no other choice but to scream for help: "Fire! Rape!" –since no one listens to simply "help" anymore.

"You coward!" Scar was yelling. "You should have died years ago!"

"_Don't_ kill him!" Lust yelled, now close behind Scar. And she already had a good reason: "I may not need the stone, but it's my job to obtain it, especially before freakin' Envy does!"

Meanwhile, about a couple yards away from the screaming trio, Frank was walking around, wondering what the odds of finding the legendary Crimson Alchemist around here are. His question was answered by a certain someone screaming, "Solar Eclipse! Rainbow!" and crashing into him.

Frank fell on his ass and wondered, "What the hell?"

Zolf also fell to the ground next to him and said, "Why'd you do _that_ for? Some people are trying to kill me – it's your job to _protect_ innocent civilians!" He saw Scar was getting close, so he got up to run.

"You're not getting away, Crimson Alchemist!" Scar yelled as he came running closer and closer.

"Crimson?" Frank muttered to himself, and he sprang up and grabbed Zolf by his ponytail – not intentionally; Frank missed his arm. Zolf wailed overdramatically and he fell backwards back to the ground.

Lust had caught up to Scar and repeated, "Don't kill him!" She slowed down, noticing that Scar had already stopped.

Scar stood only a few paces in front of Frank, who was pointing a gun at him. "You're that State Alchemist killer, no?" Frank said; he knew the answer.

Scar shrugged coolly. "It's not a big deal anymore. I mean, I've walked by a lot of you guys and I've haven't been arrested yet."

Zolf was sitting cross-legged next to Frank. "Wow, that's awfully retarded."

Scar suddenly remembered what he was trying to do a second ago. "Die, you bastard!" He started a dash at the other two men, but several gunshots from Frank stopped him . . .

All was quiet until Zolf commented, "Your aim _sucks_." Frank did not reply since that was true, so he motioned for Zolf to follow him without a word. Scar was too shocked to move from his spot.

No, Scar was unscathed, but he knew that other unmistakable sound after the shots. He slowly turned his head, then looked downward. There Lust lay; a bullet through the head, a puddle of blood as a pillow. This was the second time Scar had to see a woman with that face die.

He still remembered that day and how pissed off he was that it was _Abel_ holding her hand. And she was _Abel's_ girlfriend and she loved _Abel._ But then Abel lost his manhood when he tried to resurrect her so the score was even . . . until he died and gave Scar his arm, which basically saved his life.

"Damn it, I never win," Scar scolded himself. Then he realized he was kneeling right next to Lust and he did not even care how or when the hell that happened. What confused him was how bad he felt for her even though he already convinced himself that this was not the same person.

Scar noticed something odd about the bullet hole. It almost looked healed, so he moved Lust's bangs away from her face to make sure. The bullet plopped out and Lust's eyes fluttered open. Scar raised an eyebrow. "Whoa, you're really weird," he commented.

Lust ignored the comment. She sat up, as if in a trance. "I remember now . . ." she started. "That song you sang earlier is from _Aladdin_."

"Is this conversation gonna go anywhere?" Scar interrupted.

Lust continued: "And he wears a ridiculous little hat." She looked at Scar and smiled. "Do you know what it's called?"

Scar's mouth was hanging open for a while, not knowing what to say. "Um, I don't even know what the hell–"

"Fez!" Lust cheered happily. Scar looked bewildered, almost terrified. "That's the hat's name! That's _your_ name, Fez!" Lust had a lot of fun repeating that name. "Fez! And I remember I used to call you Fezzy and it embarrassed you. And–" Lust gasped and her smile turned seductive. "Remember your promise?"

Scar, er, _Fez_ was trapped. Yes, he did remember the promise. And going against his word would make him a horrible person, so he sighed in defeat. "Okay, fine–"

Lust raised a finger. "And you promised a really _good_ one; long, romantic, and with tongue!"

"When did I–" Fez's protest was cut short by Lust pulling him face-to-face with her and taking advantage of his opened mouth. And it was a very proud day for Lust since she got him into it after about a minute of struggling to keep him level with her. Townspeople cautiously crept out of their homes and when all they saw were two foreigners making out on the ground, they could do nothing but applaud.

In the meantime, Frank and Zolf were running down the practically empty streets. Then Zolf started to wonder what was going on. He stopped and asked, "Where the hell are we going?"

"Headquarters; where else?" Frank replied as he stopped as well. Zolf gave him a suspicious look. "What?"

"Oh, I dunno," Zolf replied indifferently. "I think I should be concerned that you're probably going to turn me in and I'll end up dead, whereas I can kill you now and resume my life as a happy freeloader." Zolf pretended to think. ". . . Yeah, I like the second option better. But just by a _little_."

"No, you're mistaken," Frank explained. "The Fuhrer knows you're alive which is why he wants you back in the military."

"And then what?"

"Um. . ." Frank shrugged. The Fuhrer did not mention what would happen to Zolf, but he knew this: "I get a promotion!"

"Oh goody, that changes everything."

Frank lowered his eyelids. "You don't believe me, do you?" The answer was obvious. "But hey, you've got nothing to lose. If this turns out to be a trap, go ahead and kill whoever you want."

Zolf considered this carefully: _I'm around too many ugly people at Devil's Nest, therefore I _should_ reenlist into the military._ "Okay, I know what I'm gonna do!" He started running the opposite way they were going.

"So what is it?" Frank called out. He would have chased after Zolf, but that would mean more time out in the sun.

"I'll be back; I just need to get some stuff." And so Frank had no choice but to trust Zolf, the guy who killed his own people in a massacre and forced innocent townspeople to sing for him. But all he could really think about was how soon he would get that promotion.

Now we must check on the people at Central. Al was keeping an eye on Benjamin as he explored the Hughes' back yard. Sloth was sitting in the living room, reading a magazine on tips about motherhood. Winry and Envy were in the kitchen, wearing frilly pink aprons, in an intense food competition. And Ed was on a guest bed with his hands and feet tied to each corner so it was impossible for him to scratch. Nope, nothing out of the ordinary.

Ed struggled to free himself in vain. The rope was too tight; he could not perform alchemy. He wailed, "My real mom would _never_ do something like this! It's cruel and unusual and–" He sobbed a little. "I have an itch!"

"Shut up, my little sunshine," Sloth answered in a sweet voice just loud enough for Ed to hear. She turned the page in her magazine. Al entered the house holding the ugly duckling in one hand. Sloth turned to them when they entered the living room. "Al, you can't have that thing in the house."

"But – but it's Benjamin, Mom!"

"I wouldn't care if you named it King Bradley. Animals belong outside, especially um, whatever that thing is."

"He's a duckling!"

Sloth tilted her head. "Okay . . . Well, I'm letting you keep it as long as it stays outside."

Al whined. "But Mom . . ."

Sloth sternly stated, "Listen, that animal's crawling with germs and we can't have that around Ed right now."

Al gasped, finally realizing Sloth's intentions. "Aw, you really do care!"

Sloth's face softened. "Of course I do."

Ed yelled from the guest room, "Then why the hell did you tie me down to the bed! I'm starving and my bladder's gonna explode!"

"Al, go put that duck back outside and escort your brother to the bathroom," Sloth ordered. "I give you permission to hit him if he scratches. I'll see if the food's ready." And so they left the living room, Al for the back yard and Sloth for the kitchen.

Envy and Winry's constant arguing could be heard the entire time, but they were being ignored. "Have you two gotten anything done?" Sloth snapped at them. The other two were quick to shut up.

Envy replied first: "Yeah, I've _been_ done, but this stupid girl won't stop complaining about it!"

"I'm just saying, Ed's not gonna eat that!" Winry argued. "You don't know him like I do!" She presented her breakfast to the homunculi: four perfectly stacked pancakes, butter and syrup flowing exquisitely down the sides as it gave off its warmth and scent. "Ha! Your food looks like crap compared to mine!"

"What did _you_ make, Envy?" Sloth asked. Envy pointed to the bowl on the table. It looked like plain old oatmeal lightly coated with cinnamon.

"But you'll see," Envy said angrily to Winry, "he'll like _my_ breakfast a thousand times better!" Winry mocked a laugh.

Sloth decided to end this. "Well, let's see what happens when I give Ed both things at the same time." She placed the plate of pancakes and the bowl of oatmeal on a food tray with utensils and left to the guest room. Envy and Winry automatically followed.

Ed was sitting comfortably on the bed as he and Al quietly talked about one thing or another. Sloth and the others walked in at the exact moment Ed started scratching his back. "_Ahem_," Sloth said, staring at Al.

"Oh! Sorry, Brother," Al apologized before he whacked poor Ed upside the head.

"What's the big deal about scratching anyway?" Ed whined.

"If you scratch," Sloth explained, "you'll open up the blisters, causing infections, and it won't be pretty." She placed the food tray on Ed's lap. "Eat up."

Ed went for the pancakes first since they looked so pretty. Winry gave Envy a conceited look. Ed got the fork, ripped off a piece of a pancake and stuck it in his mouth. He frowned and rubbed his throat. "I'm not _scratching_," he pointed out to Sloth.

Envy smiled and Winry looked worried. "What . . . what's wrong?" she asked, then shot a suspicious look at Envy.

"It's too hot," Ed replied.

"Too hot?" Winry flinched, offended. "What are you, _Goldilocks_?" Envy laughed like a maniac.

Ed could not see why Winry was pissed and why Envy was in a pink apron. Hmm, Winry too. But Sloth was to one that handed him the food, so she _must_ have been the one who made it. Ed shrugged, abandoned the pancakes, and went on to the oatmeal. And it was the softest and most soothing thing he ever ate in his life. While the heat of the pancakes brutally attacked the chicken pox in his mouth, the nice cool oatmeal nursed them. Ed devoured the heavenly meal in pure delight.

Envy pointed and laughed at Winry some more. "Ha! I win!"

"But – but this isn't right!" Winry whined. "It's the chicken pox! They're affecting Ed's sense of taste somehow!"

"Duh," Envy and Sloth replied. Then Sloth went on explaining, "Eating hot meals is quite uncomfortable when you have chicken pox in your mouth." Then she gasped. "Were you trying to _harm_ my son?" she shrieked at Winry.

"Wait, wait, what's going on?" Ed asked.

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

"Why are all you guys against me?" Winry yelled. Everyone stared blankly at her.

"I'm not against you," Al said. "Wait, what did you do?"

"I think you took that little competition too seriously," Envy said.

"I was just trying to help . . ." Winry started, looking timid and innocent. "But I guess I'm not needed here." No one replied. Winry glared at the Elric brothers. "So does that mean you two are _agreeing_?"

Ed and Al frantically shook their heads. "I know how you can help!" Ed replied. "I'm supposed to get Denny and Maria together, but–"

"You're not going outside until you're better," Sloth interrupted.

Envy groaned. "Oh, this crap again. Is this even allowed?"

"What?" Winry asked. "Tell me!"

And so Envy and the Elrics explained how supposedly crucial it was to get Denny and Maria together since it was one of Roy's brilliant and well thought-out orders. Another hapless operation was just around the corner.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 2 days, 3 hours, 30 minutes 

Aztec Goddess: Whoops. Havoc wasn't even here . . .


	13. Operation Matchmaker Beta

Aztec Goddess: Oh my God, it's been too long! So much crap has come up like from a different type of cow: Congress. Leave the foreigners alone, damn you!

Timeline: Only a couple of minutes have passed.

* * *

Operation Matchmaker Beta

Winry was unsure whether she misinterpreted something or the whole thing was a joke. It was easy to believe the whole Denny and Maria thing because she herself wanted to try her luck on pairing them up. But she asked about why she saw a sleeping man getting kissed by all these women when she went to HQ, and the story that goes with that was iffy, to say the least.

She sat near the edge of the bed Sloth was retying Ed down to. Ed was quick to submit since the fever he developed was taking a toll on him. Al just stood close by with Envy as they continued explaining to Winry what was going on. Envy ended with, "And we did all that crap for nothing and that's when you came by and accused me of being a stripper. Why am I still wearing this?" He tugged at the bow on the back to free himself of the pink frilly shackle known as an apron.

"Careful, Envy," Sloth warned the fellow homunculus. "We're guests here so don't ruin anything that's theirs."

Winry still had many unanswered questions like, "Why are you guys so indifferent about all this? Do really weird things happen all the time?"

Ed answered, "Well, considering that my _mother_ – who's dead – has me tied to a bed and my newest acquaintance is a man in a skort, I'd say weird things happen all the time."

"It's also strange that you're so weak and defenseless now, Brother," Al added. "Yet your automail's just fine."

"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out, Al." Then Ed yawned. "Why am I so tired?" He found that keeping his eyes wide open took quite a bit of effort.

"You should be," Sloth replied as she fixed the cover over Ed. Then she turned to the others and waved an arm at them. "Get out of here! If you care for my son, you should be doing his work for him already!"

Sloth shooed Al, Envy, and Winry out of the room and Ed wailed, "No, you can't leave me alone with this woman!" He tried to get up, but he barely had the strength to whine.

"Don't talk about your mother like that, Ed," Sloth snapped as she slammed the door shut behind the others.

"I'm not saying anything about my _real_ mother!"

Sloth said nothing. She briskly walked up to Ed, stared him down and slapped him across the face. Her hand left that kind of sting you get when you touch dry ice. It burns afterward.

"Why are _you_ getting offended?" Ed hissed.

"I _am _your mother, whether you like it or not," Sloth replied in her usual calm voice.

"Just because you say something doesn't make it true!"

Sloth opened her mouth to talk back, but then she closed it and narrowed her eyes. In one swift movement she turned around, extended her arm, turned it to water, and swung open the door from her spot. Since Envy and Winry had their ears against the other side of the door, they fell over and landed flat on the floor in front of Sloth. "And what were you two doing?" Sloth challenged.

"Uh . . ." Envy started. "I thought this was the bathroom . . ?"

"How so?"

Winry needed to come up with an excuse, too. "Um, it's common to mistake one room for another – especially when you don't even live here! Even I thought–"

"Just get out of here," Sloth demanded before their excuse could become even more retarded. Envy and Winry scurried out of the room to join Al, who was already outside with Benjamin because Al is a good boy and he respects everyone's privacy.

Sloth turned to Ed and put her hands on her hips. "Hm, you should be punished for talking back at me."

Ed gawked at her. "Isn't _this_ punishment?" He meant being tied to the bed.

"No," was the quick reply. Then Sloth thought for a moment. "Where are the things you got on your birthday?"

Ed's eyes shifted left to right. He started to talk oddly fast. "Eh? What are you talking about? They're gone!" Sloth gave Ed a suspicious look. "Stop looking at me! Don't try to find – no!"

Sloth stuck her hand under the bed and pulled out a couple of boxes. Some of them were presents still unwrapped but the biggest box was overflowing with candies and Sloth also noticed an edge of a book sticking out. She pulled that out and read the title, "_So You Wanna Be A Midget Rapper_," She let out a small chuckle. "This must be from that colonel you complain about. Are you afraid to see what else you got or what?"

"Roy's stupid," Ed retorted. "But I gotta admit . . . that book's kinda interesting. And I shouldn't open anything else until I finish my – hey I said _my_ candy!" While Ed was talking, Sloth unwrapped a chocolate bar and took a bite out of it.

"You're sick. You can't eat this anyway."

"You know, a good mother would take me to a doctor." Ed saw this as the only way to escape.

Sloth finished the chocolate before she replied. "Okay. I'll call a doctor to come over." She left the room and poor Ed was left restrained to the bed; candies in full view – they were mocking him!

Envy, Al, Winry, and Benjamin needed help on coming up with a good enough plan to be called Operation Matchmaker Beta. But they could never agree on anything since Winry could not see any of Envy's plans valid since, well, she hates him. And Envy kept on questioning Winry's femininity and Winry mocked that _he_ was too girly and Al chose to stay out of the argument and Benjamin had no say in this. So they wasted precious time accomplishing nothing.

But then they all agreed on one thing: ask Gracia for help! They waltzed though the main entrance of the hospital, past the reception area, paying no mind to the unhappy nurses and patients, and commenced to open random doors since they did not think of asking the doctors where the Hughes family was.

Al scared the crap out of a senior patient, an anger-problem patient tried to attack Winry, and a prepubescent boy fell in love with Envy. But they eventually did find the Hughes family, so it was all worth it.

Maes was in bed looking flushed and Gracia and Elysia were sitting on a chair talking to him. Envy was first to interrupt. "Maes, you don't look so well!" He actually sounded a little concerned.

"No, I'll be alright!" Maes replied. "I'm just a little –" He could not finish because he suddenly fell asleep. Everyone else just stared for a while.

"Is that really normal, Mommy?" Elysia asked.

"Well, the doctors think so," Gracia answered. She turned to Envy and the others. "Oh, is everything alright at home? Is it okay for us to stay here much longer?"

Envy answered, "Yeah, but we've got a problem with getting Denny and Maria together."

Winry nodded. "That's right. Envy has no clue as to how to be romantic. And he thinks he has better ideas than _me_, a girl!"

"Hey, you're the one who loves getting wrenches as presents!" Envy spat.

"That has nothing to do with anything!" Winry yelled back.

"So what are your ideas so far?" Gracia cut in.

Envy and Winry stared at each other, looking more lost now than angry. "Um, would you like to go first, Winry?" Envy offered.

". . . No, not really. But you said your plan's better, so you should go first?"

Al answered Gracia, "Looks like we have no ideas yet, Miss Gracia. Those two spent all this time arguing over who _would_ have a better idea." Envy and Winry laughed nervously.

Just then, a nurse entered the room with a syringe in hand. Without a word, as if mechanic, she gave Maes a shot in the arm and left. Maes sat up suddenly, grasping his arm, and wailed, "I've been shot! I'm sorry Roy – I failed you." He plopped back down and looked around curiously. "Wow, I'm in a hospital _already_! That was fast!" Elysia clapped and giggled, assuming that her daddy was acting dumb for her own enjoyment.

"Honey, you've been here since the morning."

Maes felt itchy, and that was how he remembered what was not a dream. "Oh, yeah. Chicken pox."

"So . . ." Gracia turned back to Envy and the others, "let's start from scratch. What do each of you think is romantic?"

Winry started: "A moment alone with that person under a full moon." She wrapped her arms around herself and got lost in her own delusion. "And it's a bit cold that night so he give you his coat without asking him and the breeze makes strands of hair fall over your face and he brushes them behind your ear and . . ." She went on and on, but the others had already stopped paying attention to her.

"We need to think of something simple enough so Denny can't screw it up," Envy said to the others. "Flowers didn't work, so shouldn't we try chocolate next?"

"What about a pet?" Al asked. ". . . But then we'll need to find out what kind of pet Miss Maria would want."

"A coloring book always makes _me_ happy!" Elysia said.

Maes felt like adding his own input as well: "Role-playing makes _me_ happy!"

Gracia slapped her husband's arm. "Shh! There are children here!"

"Role-playing?" Al repeated. He and Envy glanced at each other and shrugged. Winry snapped out of her daydream to wonder what that odd word meant, too.

Envy thought he got the idea. "Oh, isn't that one of those games like when a prince has to go though a castle, solving puzzles and fighting monsters, to save the princess?"

Gracia glanced around nervously. "Um, yes! Exactly! Maybe you should try something like that!" She gave her husband a not-so-happy look.

"Okay!" I'm sorry for bringing it up!" Maes yielded.

Envy, Winry, and Al (and Benjamin) left the hospital with more questions than ever. But this "role-playing" idea caught their interest so they decided to try it out. They already had the prince and princess – now what would be the castle and everything else?

"I think I can use alchemy to make the castle!" Al said. He looked up and down the streets. "But where could it go? There isn't an empty space big enough . . ."

"Use some houses then," Envy replied.

Winry scoffed. "You think we can get some people to let us borrow their houses?"

"Sure, why not? When we tell them this is for a military operation, they'll have to let us!"

Of course, Winry had no faith in Envy. So she felt like an idiot when Envy knocked on a random guy's door and he said it will be just fine for them to borrow his house for the sake of the nation. Envy did the same at the surrounding houses, giving Al a total of eight to work with. The families left their houses only with their most precious possessions and they really did not mind at all. It was weird, but so very convenient!

Al drew a nice, big transmutation circle around the houses with the piece of chalk that always appears in his hand at the right moment. "Okay, what kind of castle should it be?"

"A dark, evil-looking one!" Envy cheered.

And so Al clapped his hands and touched the transmutation circle. It took several minutes for the houses to reshape and merge and change to a darker color, but it was very interesting to watch. Neighbors flocked around the scene to go "ooh" and "aww". Winry was the only one not happy with this. Envy's idea is freakin' working!

The finished product actually did look like an evil castle, though undersized compared to a real one. But hey, they were already putting too much work into getting Denny and Maria together.

Envy, Winry, Al, and Benjamin entered the castle to check it out. The only light came from old-style candles on the walls and a creepy yet catchy background music played. "You can alchemize music, too?" Envy asked Al.

"Um . . . I don't think so," Al replied. "Then again, I hear background music in a lot of places. It's weird."

"Let's not get distracted!" Winry insisted. "We have a lot of work ahead of us – characters, challenges, a story line!"

"That's easy!" Envy declared. "The whole plot is to get Denny to save Maria from a dragon – sure it's common, but good enough. Al, you and your duck can be the _Mid-Boss_ and you can also be the one to kidnap Maria and bring her here to the highest tower. Winry, you'll be like a prophet – the one who tells Denny his destiny and tells him where to go to start this game."

"And what does that leave _you_ to be?" Winry asked.

A devious smile spread across Envy's face. "The dragon."

Meanwhile, down South, Roy had just finished the most work concerning paper he has ever done: he finished the book! Roy was so proud that he finished it all by himself; he felt like showing off to Riza . . . but where the hell was she? Roy already checked the room she was supposed to be in, but no one was there.

Roy stood in front of Jean's room. But Sheska, Heymans, and Vato were there as well and those three were not so happy with Roy right now. Neither were Riza and Cain and Frank and possibly that weird-looking dog down the street he laughed at. Everyone was against poor Roy and even though it was his own fault he refused to see it that way. It was everyone else that had a problem – not him! He is too perfect.

Roy entered the room and was saddened to see that the others were not working their asses off. Jean was still asleep on a couch. Sheska, Heymans, and Vato were sitting on the floor, passing the time throwing rolled-up pieces of paper into a waste basket. And the huge checklist pile spread all over a desk seemed smaller. "Crappy luck in this place?" Roy asked.

"Yes," Sheska replied curtly, not even looking at Roy. She reached out for another paper from the checklist, made sure all the names on it were checked off, crumpled it up in a loud manner, and threw it with the other trash.

"Barely any girls are coming today," Heymans added. He was folding a paper around, trying to make something out of it.

Then Vato added, "Fury said the people here aren't cooperating. It's like they're afraid of something."

Truth be told, Roy could care less about what they were saying. He changed the subject: "Have any of you seen Hawkeye?"

Skeska was offended. "Do you expect me to keep track of _everything_?" She shredded the next paper in her hands in half.

"But you're the smart one, aren't you?" Then it struck Roy. Sheska is a weird bookworm girl with a crazy memory; maybe she knows what could be missing in _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book_! There was a part near the end of the book that confused Roy since one page said _Sleeping Beauty_ but the next was a story about a really white girl . . . Roy held out the book and asked Sheska, "Do you remember reading this?"

At first, Sheska could only stare at the book dangling in front of her face; huge unblinking fish-eyes on a retarded-shaped lure. She reached out and slowly grabbed the book as if it would bite. "It's a book of fairy tales!" she gasped. "And I've never seen this one before – even before they were all supposedly burned!"

Something did not add up. "But I'm pretty sure it was in Central; a library or bookstore–"

Sheska shook her head. "Impossible. I would have seen it before then." She opened the book and started to read.

Roy was amazed. "So, wait, there are books out there you haven't read?"

"I wasn't able to read all the fairy tales before the war. That's about it." Sheska turned the page. "Wow, this is so great! I'm still mad at you, though."

Roy pouted. "Fine! Be that way!" He stormed out of the room and on his way out of the building he almost immediately came across another annoyance: the albino.

"Ha! You thought I wouldn't be able to find him!" Frank declared, pointing a boasting finger at Roy.

"Huh?" Roy replied, already bored.

"The Crimson Alchemist! I found him!"

Roy glanced around Frank. No one else was around. ". . . So where is he?"

"Oh, he said he'll be right back."

Roy could not believe Frank was being serious. "Wow . . . you sure that was – him?" His voice cracked trying not to laugh.

"Scar said that was him."

Roy snorted. "You found Scar, too?"

Frank could not see what was so funny. "Yeah, the Crimson Alchemist was trying to run away from him."

And that was when Roy laughed his ass off. "Do you even hear yourself speak?" His day was brightened, so he went on in his search for Riza, leaving Frank a tad confused.

But Frank was positive he found the real Crimson Alchemist – and he did – so he decided to report to the Fuhrer. He used a phone on the front desk and dialed the number of the Fuhrer's secretary. It rang more than three times, which was odd since "Juliet Douglas" was known for punctuality.

Back in Central there was, of course, no "Juliet Douglas" at HQ. But Gluttony was in her room, staring at the ringing phone, tempted to pick it up to see what would happen. He came close to it, poked it, and then backed off. It still kept on ringing.

Finally, the curiosity became too much, so Gluttony picked up the phone and greeted Frank the way he once saw Envy greet Lust over the phone: "What the hell do you want, you whore?"

Frank was taken aback. And not just because of the unfamiliar voice, but he was never called a whore before. "Um, who is this?"

Gluttony was ready to tell his life story, but luckily Pride came into the room in the nick of time. He dashed towards the fat homunculus and took the phone away. Then Pride started to talk to Frank. "Hello?"

"Fuhrer? Wait, I mean, yeah, Fuhrer! That other person wasn't Miss Douglas, right?"

"No, that was my . . . cousin who's visiting." Pride shot a glare at Gluttony, who began to sulk. Then Pride continued, "I assume you called about your mission . . ."

"Yes, sir! The Crimson Alchemist is . . . _basically_ here. Do you want me to send him over or what are your plans for him?"

"Just keep an eye on him for the time being. But I do expect you all back here soon. Any progress on waking up Second Lieutenant Havoc?"

"No, not at all. The others here are hardly working."

"Oh, that's too bad. I may have to pay a visit."

Gluttony tugged on Pride's sleeve and whispered that sulking made him hungry. And where did Lust go? And he was hungry. Pride sighed. "I'm cutting this conversation short now. Good day." He hung up the phone.

"And is Sloth gone, too?" Gluttony wondered.

"Yes, it seems as though everyone's off-task now. In fact, we were supposed to have the philosopher's stone three days ago . . . Three terribly long days ago." He walked towards a window and looked out at the city. "Dante's expecting us to take drastic actions now."

"What's gonna happen? Do I get to eat again?"

Pride ignored Gluttony. "This is a perfect place. It's a huge city, millions of people now that most of the military is packed here. And now we have an alchemist crazy enough to purposely do the job. Wouldn't it be an interesting sight?"

Gluttony was lost. He had no clue what Pride was implying, so he just stared blankly.

Pride explained slow enough for Gluttony to understand: "We're going to turn Central into a philosopher's stone."

"Oooh!" Gluttony understood that. "Wait, wasn't that out plan for Lior?"

"I changed the plans. I can do that. You see, Lior is a craphole like Ishbal, and not many people even think about Ishbal nowadays. So this time, let's leave a huge impression – something that'll never be forgotten!"

"Oh. Okay."

Among the clueless population of Central, the RPG game Envy and the others set up was well underway. Al and Benjamin were cloaked in black robes so they were unrecognizable. They sneakily made their way into Maria's house with Al's alchemy, swinging the back door open without a sound. As Maria was distracted with cooking top ramen, Al threw her over his shoulders and ran back to the castle. Sure, Maria screamed her head off, but would _you_ go up against a mysterious giant cloaked in black? So getting Maria to the highest tower was easy.

Winry got herself a white dress with some light-colored veils to suit her character. She broke into Denny's house with a screwdriver and just by looking at her, Denny was convinced that Winry was some kind of mystical apparition. He never saw her so covered-up before!

Winry started her dialogue: "Okay, so I haven't rehearsed, so I'll give you the basics: you must go out and save your true love!" She grabbed Denny's hand and they headed out the door. "As I predicted, an evil castle has appeared in the middle of this city and the evil beings there have kidnapped Maria the princess! (You're the prince.) And you're the only one that can save her!" She headed to the castle with Denny.

"Whoa, are you alright?" Denny looked worried. "If something like that really did happen, shouldn't the rest of the military be working on it?"

Winry stopped on her tracks and gasped. "No, no one else must get involved! You'll anger the ruler of the castle!" She started to run with Denny again. "No time for questions – (too many plot holes) – and Maria's life is in danger!"

They reached and entered the castle. The background music startled Denny, but he saw that Winry thought nothing of it, so he said nothing of it. All this could be a hallucination for all he knew. It was definitely not realistic.

On a single platform in the middle of the room lay some nifty hero garments. Winry pointed to them and said, "The hero must always look his hottest before saving his true love." Then she bowed to Denny. "May we meet again." Then she walked to the left side of the room and took an elevator to the highest tower.

"Hey, wait!" Denny wailed. But he could not catch up to Winry and he found no means to bring the elevator back down. No buttons or levers – it was a one-way trip. Denny did not want to think much of this, so he headed back to the main entrance. The door was locked. He kicked the door and shot at the handle with his gun, but could not lay a single scratch. The door was alchemized.

Denny accepted that he was stuck with playing this game, so he started with putting on the new garments. It took a while to get all the layers on; chainmail, leather, other common armor minus a helm because that looks ugly, and a spiffy red cape. He actually did look pretty good! And the outfit also came with a sword and shield that he assumed he had to use, so now he was ready to go.

There were two ways Denny could go: up a flight of stairs into the door up there, or the door right ahead of him. He chose up since that made the most sense. Thankfully, that door was unlocked.

The room Denny ended up in seemed empty, so he took a step forward. Huge spikes shot down from the ceiling, scaring the crap out of him, and he involuntarily jumped sideways, triggering some more spikes. "AH! . . . AH! . . . AH!" This went on for a while until Denny got himself to stop jumping from fright. He sat down and cried. "This isn't fun anymore! I can _die_ here!"

But there was nothing Denny could do but move forward, so he carefully stood up and looked around the room. There was another door ahead of him and spikes covered the entire ceiling, but none of them were being triggered right now. He figured only movement triggered them, so how the hell was he supposed to progress?

Maybe he just had to be really slow . . . Denny took a baby step forward. Nothing happened. So he took another step and another and then he tripped over his own foot and fell. The spikes rained down, Denny shrieked like a woman, but he got away in time only to make other spikes fall continuously as he ran blindly around the room until he crashed into a door. It was the right one! Yay for him! The spikes stopped falling and Denny went on to the next room.

There was a flight of stairs and several jail bar doors, nothing more, so Denny went up. He was greeted by a little doggy-like chimera. It acted like a game show host, saying: "Good evening, hero! Since Maria is looking for an intelligent man, it is important that you do well on this test!"

"Uh, what kind of test?" Denny wondered.

"Question one: What's your last name?"

"Brosh!" Denny said with full confidence.

A positive applause was heard coming from more of the jail doors. There were other bigger, not-so-friendly-looking chimeras on the other side of the doors. "Correct!" the doggy chimera exclaimed. "I would have also accepted: Bloch, Blosh, and even Block! But I must warn you now; the questions get tougher each time. Ready for the next one?"

"Sure!" Denny was feeling smart since he breezed through the first question.

"Question two: Using the law of sines, find 'c' if 'a' is 4 units, beta is sixty degrees, and alpha is forty degrees."

Denny stared dumbly at the chimera. "Aw, crap . . ."

The other chimeras booed. "Incorrect!" the doggy chimera exclaimed.

"Wait, bu – but that wasn't my answer!"

Denny was ignored. "Question three: what is the difference in nomenclature between HCl aqueous and HCl gas?"

So while Denny was having a horrible time trying to answer one insanely difficult question after another, Maria was actually having a pleasant time stuck in the highest tower. She was given a pretty green princess dress to wear, had a very comfy bed she could jump on, and she was currently having tea with Envy and Winry.

"So exactly what are you guys hoping to accomplish by kidnapping me to this castle and treating me like a princess?" Maria politely asked, then she took a sip of her tea. "I don't _unapproved_, but still . . . this is odd."

". . . I don't think we're allowed to tell you," Winry replied.

But Envy thought otherwise: "We're just trying to get you and Denny together, 'cause y'know, that's how it's supposed to be, right?"

Maria made a face. "You can't assume something like that . . ."

Winry gasped. "So you don't like him? You know how _he_ feels, don't you?"

Maria thought for a moment. "I'm . . . not sure right now." She was thinking something like, _What's Denny's problem? Why does he have to get other people to try to force us together? Isn't he man enough to do this himself?_ Such a tragic misunderstanding since it was not Denny's idea to get Envy and the others to do all this.

Back with Denny, after what seemed like an eternity, he finished the test. The chimera announced the results: "Out of a possible fifty, you got forty-nine incorrect answers, meaning that forty-nine of these doors containing bloodthirsty chimeras will open. Thank you for playing!"

The jail bars shot up and the bloodthirsty chimeras sprang out and Denny ran for dear life, crying and screaming. His first instinct was to go back down the stairs, but many of the chimeras were coming from there, so he was screwed if he did not fight back.

Denny took out his gun first, but a chimera head-butted him so he dropped it. Another chimera attacked him but Denny held his shield out in time. The only other weapon he had was a sword, and since Denny never learned how to use one, he closed his eyes, flailed it around and screamed like a crazy man. This tactic proved to be quite effective. The chimeras were so terrified that they ran back to their little prisons. This caused another door to open; the one he needed to proceed. So Denny shakily went on to the next room.

"Who goes there?" A booming voice asked as Denny entered the room.

Denny squeaked in response.

A dark figure emerged from the shadows because it was clad in black. This figure also looked like an oversized human with a weird little animal on its shoulder. "If you dare to challenge the ruler of this castle, you must go through me first!"

"No, I'm perfectly alright with not challenging anyone!" Denny cowered in fear.

"That's not an option, Mister Denny!" Then Al stopped, realizing he used a formality. And that was how Denny recognized his voice.

"Al, is that you?"

"Um, _nooo_! I'm the Mid-Boss!"

"Al, it _is_ you! What the hell's going on? Do we really have to fight?"

Al took off the black robes. "No, I suppose not. It'll be nice if you finish this game before the day's over. Here." Al handed Denny a key.

Denny looked at the door in front of him; demonically engraved, obviously the Boss door. "So I use this key on that door and that'll end all this?"

"Not by a long-shot! That key is to open the other door in the first room, leading you to the basement, where you'll have to go through more challenges to get the Boss key!"

Denny whined. "But I hate back-tracking! I'm tired! Can you just open the Boss door for me, pretty please?"

Denny asked kindly, so Al could not refuse. "Oh, alright. But don't let the others find out!" Al walked up to the door, clapped his hands, and de-alchemized it. He even opened the door for Denny and said, "Good luck!"

Denny cautiously opened the next room. There was a red carpet on the floor leading up a fight of stairs to the final door where Maria was. Denny knew he had to expect something bad, so he walked slowly, examining every little thing. No chimeras were in sight. No spikes either. So unless that window over there grew fangs – _crash_ – holy crap, it did!

Well, kinda. The window shattered completely due to a force behind it; a huge green snarling force with scales and fangs. The dragon dashed all of itself into the room, barely skimming Denny. "You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me!" Denny wailed.

Poor Denny tried to flee back out of the room, but Envy wrapped his tail around him. "Dragons don't exist! This isn't right!" Denny yelled as he inefficiently whacked Envy's tail with his sword. He left no marks.

"You better start taking this fight seriously!" Envy snarled. "Or I'll eat you right now!"

"But I don't wanna die like this!" Denny was crying again. All this noise made Maria too curious so she opened the door and peaked through with Winry to see how the fight was going.

"You're weak!" Envy mocked Denny as he waved him around like a toy. "What kind of woman do you expect to get if you can't slay a _single_ dragon?"

"I can answer that! A sensible woman who's dependable and honest and really smart and, whoa . . ." Denny was getting dizzy from being waved around. "Oh, and she's really really hot!"

Maria was touched. "Aww, Denny!" Then she told the dragon, "You can stop now, Envy. Before you get too carried away."

"Oh, sorry." Envy said, then he turned back to his usual form. Denny fell about six feet from the air. He apologized again, then quickly backed off since Maria was approaching Denny. Envy joined Winry, Al and Benjamin in one side of the room to watch the scene. The "prince" and the "princess" have finally met up!

Maria helped Denny up. "Maria! You're safe!" Denny started when he regained composure.

Maria tilted her head to the side. "I was never in any danger." Then she noticed a lot of cuts and ripped garments on Denny and it did not look like he did that to himself. "What happened to you?"

Denny scratched his head, embarrassed. "I had really bad luck with the traps and chimeras. And you probably saw how that dragon guy had me."

Maria's eyes widened. He was telling the truth! "You'd risk your life for me? Even for this stupid game?"

"Of course!" Then Denny held his breath. It was now or never. "I – I love you, Maria!"

Maria's expression softened. "I love you too, Denny," . . . but then she had to add, ". . . as a friend."

The world froze, turned black and white, and shattered for Denny. He lost the ability to speak or move. The others just gawked at the sight. Envy could not believe that, once again, he put so much work in accomplishing nothing. Al and Benjamin were worried for Denny.

Winry was utterly terrified. "Oh no . . ." she whispered and clasped her hands over her mouth. "The _F_ word!"

* * *

Jean Havoc – 2 days, 10 hours, 0 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Damn . . . hopefully my next update won't take as long as this chapter!


	14. Flame versus Albino

Aztec Goddess: Whoo! I'm almost getting quick again!

Timeline: This chapter takes place during the previous chapter.

* * *

Flame versus Albino

Zolfy made it back to Devil's Nest safely since Scar, er, Fez and Lust were nowhere in sight. And, yes, he was planning on reenlisting into the military since being a pretend bartender was already getting boring. Plus, most chimeras were unhappy with the fact that he only made drinks for himself.

"You took longer than usual," Marta glared at the Crimson Alchemist. She was the one tending to the bar at the moment. "Call it women's intuition; I think while you were gone you accepted the opportunity to screw us over by going back to the military."

Zolf was in awe. "_You're_ a woman?" Marta threw an empty beer bottle, which barely missed him but hit another random customer and knocked him out. But since he has no significance to the story, he remains ignored and unconscious.

"What's more shocking is that _you_ aren't," Marta spat.

Dorochet and Roa were sitting at the counter, giggling and agreeing that Zolf and Marta act like an old, confused, married couple. Marta shot a glare at them and they quickly shut up because last time they fought with her, she beat the crap out of them.

Zolf looked around and noticed that there were fewer women around and that was very odd since it was the afternoon. "Where'd Greed go?" he asked.

Dorochet and Roa were afraid to speak, so they just looked at Marta for her to answer. She explained, "We bet Greed that he doesn't know how to be romantic, so he did something crazy: he's taking just _one_ girl out on a date _before_ taking her to bed."

"Holy crap, that is crazy," Zolf replied indifferently. "When he comes back, tell him I congratulate him for being so daring." Then he started for the bedrooms out back.

"Why can't you tell him yourself? Where are you going?" Marta suspiciously inquired.

"To bed. Sorry, but you're not invited."

"Aw, you just can't live on without rereading your little kiddy book," Marta mocked.

Zolf held his fairy tale book closely and protectively like a mother. He has yet to let go of it. "You're still thinking of stealing my bookie, aren't you? Well, I'll put it in words you can understand:" Zolf stuck his tongue out and hissed like a snake, then ran for dear life to his room, dodging another empty beer bottle.

"So, what'd he say?" Dorochet asked Marta.

Marta gave Dorochet a disappointed look since he really believed Zolf spoke snake. So she told the part-dog chimera, "Go take a leak outside."

Meanwhile, outside, not too far at Yock Island, Greed was with his slutty girlfriend-of-the-day. He figured what could be more romantic than just the two of them rowing to an uninhabited island? Yes, it was like one of those hot novellas; them rolling around on the seashore, making out, sand getting everywhere, and – what the hell? Where did that naked little boy come from?

Greed and his girlfriend stopped like deer in headlights. The mood was killed so Greed got off his girlfriend, then he asked her, "Is that kid yours?"

The naked little boy just stared at them, confused, wondering if it would be safe to come closer. The girlfriend stared back and replied, "Um, I don't think he's mine . . . Wait, how long have we been here? I know it takes nine months . . ."

Wow, she actually made Greed consider getting a girlfriend with a brain. He ignored his girlfriend's comment and waved at the mysterious little nudist. "Hey, you! Where'd you come from?" This intimidated the little boy, so he backed away a couple of steps. "Don't ignore me! Come here!" Greed sounded mad to the little boy, so he got scared and ran into the forest.

Greed ditched his girlfriend, whom was still wondering whether she had been pregnant or not, and he chased after the boy. As they ran, Greed noticed the ouroboros on his foot, which motivated him even further to catch him. Greed dove and fell on top of the boy, which kinda scared the crap out of him. The boy screamed and used alchemy, merging his arms with the ground. He was stuck.

"Ah! What'd you do to me?" the boy cried. Greed found this as his opportunity to check the boy's foot to make sure that it was the ouroboros.

"So you _are_ a homunculus," Greed mused. "But why are naked and stuck on an island? Is Dante even more of a bitch nowadays? Damn . . ." Greed got up and held up a hand. "Can you get up?"

The boy calmed down so his arms were freed from the ground. He got up with Greed's help. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

Greed rubbed his chin. "You must be new if you don't know anything." He shrugged. "Oh, well. There's really nothing important you need to know. Let's just figure out a name for you, get you some clothes and, I dunno, just do as I say from now on."

"So you're my daddy?"

"Sure."

"Yay! I have a daddy now!" The boy gave Greed a hug.

Greed was trying to think of a name to give him. "Let's see . . . are you proud of yourself?"

"What's that mean?"

"Are you slow?"

"That's not nice!" The boy pouted.

"It's settled then! Your name's _Wrath_!"

"Yay! I have a name!"

Not even the name _Wrath_ fits the boy, but then again, none of the options do. But it is an unwritten rule that homunculi must be named after the deadly sins . . . so would it be utter chaos if there were suddenly eight of them at the same time?

Anyway, back at Devil's Nest, Zolfy went into Greed's room instead of his own. Oh my goodness, he lied to Marta! Since Zolf knew Greed will be unhappy with him ditching, he decided to take the skull for his own protection. That way Greed would not be able to attack him.

Zolf blew up the safe in Greed's room, took the bag the skull was in, and put his bookie in there as well so he only had to carry one thing. Now _that_ takes skills. But then he heard footsteps coming his way – loud, slow footsteps. It was another alchemist suspected as dead. "What are you doing in there, Crimson Alchemist?" Shou Tucker asked when he approached the opened door.

"I'm wanted back in the military, so I'm taking this as a memento of this place," Zolf replied, holding the bag up.

"Am I wanted back, too?" Shou asked hopefully.

"No, sorry, you're not wanted like me," Zolf said with a haughty smile. "But my leaving is a secret, so shh! Go back to wherever the hell you were. You're not easy on the eyes."

Shou sulked and went back to wherever the hell he was before. Zolf casually left Devil's Nest, easily avoiding the chimeras since they were busy with some new customers. As he headed to HQ he noticed that the civilians dashed back inside their houses when they spotted him. They must have figured out that he is the one who can force them to sing. Zolf was quite proud of the fear he invoked in the people.

Once the front door of HQ was in view, Zolf noticed another familiar thing nearby. A person whose sight brought back happy memories of Ishbal and exploding things and filing nails: Roy! The Flame Alchemist looked lost, scratching his head, indecisive on whether he should be going left or right. And then he looked scared shitless when he saw Zolf running up to him yelling, "Roy! I missed you!" Actually, Zolf had just now remembered Roy's existence.

Expecting to get blown up into little pieces, Roy's life flashed before his eyes. He saw himself sleeping on his desk and drooling on the paperwork, poking fun at Riza when her hair was short, sleeping on the train on his way to Ishbal, getting electrocuted when he chewed on a telephone wire when he was little, and sleeping again in various other places like a clothes hamper and under the kitchen table. What a fine life he remembers.

Roy's head and back were throbbing when his mental slideshow ended. Probably because he fell flat on the floor when Zolf jumped onto him. So Zolf was straddling Roy, sitting on his stomach and all Roy could think of saying was, "You – it's _you_! Y-you've gained weight."

Zolf crossed his arms. "That is so rude!"

"And sitting on me _isn't_?"

This was about the time Frank got off the phone with Gluttony and Pride. He went outside to see what the yelling was all about. And around the street corner came Cain with Black Hayate. Perfect timing, no? Black Hayate started barking. It seems as though he always barks when he sees a man on top of another man.

Frank was a bit stunned and his mind went back to thinking _whore?_ Cain was afraid to ask, but he did: "Is this another one of your bizarre orders, Colonel?"

"Huh? No!" Roy tried to push Zolf off of himself. "Get off before other people–" There was a flash of light. Everyone turned to see a woman with a camera – the same tourist that took pictures of Fez.

"I've been looking for you guys everywhere!" the woman squealed. She got her camera ready for another picture. "Like no one in Central knew you guys came here! Oh, that was such an awesome picture!" Then she looked at Cain. "Cainy, could you pick Black Hayate up close to your face and smile? That'll be a really cute pic!"

"Um, okay . . ." Cain did as he was told, though he and the others were terribly confused. Who was this lady and how did she know them? This was Cain's first experience with a crazy fan . . . or a dangerous stalker. Either way, she gave him, Roy, and Zolf money before she ran off.

"What about me . . ." Frank said weakly.

Zolf got up, counted his money and pocketed it. Roy did too, and he answered Frank, "Why would she want to take pictures of ugly people?"

"Hey, that's verbal harassment right there!" Frank snapped. "I'll sue you–"

"When I'm Furher, you'll–"

"No, not this again," Frank mumbled, holding a hand up to quiet Roy. He turned to Zolf. "Let's go contact the _real_ Fuhrer." He opened the front door of the headquarters.

Zolf took a step forward, then Roy stopped him. "No, don't listen to _him_!" He pointed a disgusted finger at Frank. "He's just going to use you for a promotion and I – I just don't like him."

"If you had a shot at another promotion, you'd do the same," Frank scoffed.

"But . . . I'd be nicer about it! And you know what? I should get the credit since I'm the one who literally caught him!"

"He wouldn't even be here if I didn't find him earlier!"

"You have no proof of that!" Roy turned to Cain. "Back me up! You didn't see _him_ find this guy, did you?"

Cain shrank down, fearing Frank's angry look. "Why do I have to get involved?"

"That's right. It's just you two fighting over me," Zolf said, pointing to Roy and Frank. With them being distracted, Cain took this chance to get into HQ and away from them. "And the proper thing to do is to give you both a fair chance. So what we'll do is . . ."

First Cain went to his room because he was in desperate need of relieving himself. He basically walked Black Hayate all day all over South and hardly any women here agreed to leave their houses to kiss a sleeping stranger, even if he was a militant. As soon as Cain went into the bathroom, Black Hayate jumped onto his bed and took a nap.

"Our best bet is that girl Beatrice," Cain talked to himself. "She says she knows Jean, but what if she can't get time off of work any time soon? How much longer do we have . . . ?" Cain left the doggy alone in his room and went to find the others.

In Jean's room, Sheska was laying on the bed because she wanted to read _The Crazy-Ass Fairy Book _comfortably. Heymans was bored on the floor, doodling on pages of the checklist that were no use to them anymore. And Vato was taking a nap on the couch, so Jean was now on the floor. "Hasn't been much of a constructive day, huh?" Cain asked as he entered the room.

"The poor guy might be asleep forever," Heymans said, nudging Jean with his foot.

"Don't say that!" Cain insisted. "Someone else said she'd come over as soon as possible. It might not be today, though . . ."

"How much longer can he stay like this?"

Cain's gaze fell to his feet. "I dunno – I think the original _Sleeping Beauty_ was asleep for a hundred years–"

"A _hundred_?" Sheska interrupted, putting the book down. "But, uh, was she a zombie when she finally woke up?"

"Well, there were fairies in that story too, so I don't know how much of it's true."

Sheska looked down at Jean. "It's been what, almost three days, and he's already not looking so well." She was right. Jean was pale as if from an illness and either Cain was getting stronger or Jean was loosing weight. It has to be the latter.

Cain tried to think of some form of help he could do, but his mind was blank. "So there's nothing to do right now?"

"You can try looking for something to waste the film on," Heymans suggested, motioning to the three cameras amongst the checklist. "That's what we did for a while."

Cain had nothing in mind to take a picture of, but he took a camera anyway and left. He needed something to pass the time. Maybe he should look for Riza and tell her that her little doggy eats like a cow and she should give him some money for babysitting him. He also wondered how Roy and Frank's argument went. And who was that guy he saw with a ponytail? He looks somewhat familiar like he was in some kind of newspaper about some kind of historical event. Cain shrugged it off. Maybe this guy was not _that_ important.

When Cain turned the corner at a corridor, he heard a loud thump and some yelling. Roy and Frank must still be arguing. Feeling that he was missing something interesting, Cain quickened his pace towards the main entrance. Indeed, Roy and Frank were still arguing and they were now attacking each other with couch cushions. The loud thump probably came from the overturned couch.

Zolf was safely sitting crossed-legged on a desk, watching the fight in amusement. Then he noticed Cain and called over to him, "Hey you, take some pictures!" Cain, being ever so suggestible, did so and got a nice shot of Frank being hit by a cushion.

"So what's going on?" Cain asked as he walked towards Zolf.

"You bastard!" Frank shrieked at Roy. "There was a brick in that one!"

"No! Who'd put a brick in a cushion?" Roy yelled back. And to answer Roy's question: he did. That crafty little colonel.

Zolf answered Cain: "They're fighting over me! Isn't that adorable?" Cain's expression was blank, unsure what to think. Zolf continued, "And it's a fair fight, see? No alchemy or firearm."

The two fighting militants ditched the cushions and attacked each other head-on, scratching the other's face, pulling the other's hair. Frank shoved Roy and he fell on a table, breaking some flower pots and the table gave way under the weight. Roy threw a broken flower pot at Frank. All the while, Cain took pictures.

Frank ran for cover at another desk, then grabbed the phone nearby and threw it at Roy, whom was coming closer to him. Roy dove down so it missed. While he was down, he kicked that desk so it fell towards Frank and he fell backwards. Roy scurried backwards so he could grab the phone. Menacingly holding the receiver in one hand he yelled, "Death's calling you, you freakin' albino!"

Cain took another picture. "You think they'd really fight to the death?" he asked Zolf. Both of them were rather calm in this situation.

Zolf giggled. "Wouldn't that be funny? They're fighting for a promotion, but the killer will be kicked out of the military like me!"

Cain slowly and frightfully turned to look straight at Zolf. "What do you mean _like you_?"

Roy and Frank rolled around the room as Roy tried to bring the receiver down at Frank's face. Frank was holding Roy's arm back with one hand and with the other, he grabbed Roy's other arm and bit it. Roy screamed – but then everything was interrupted when the front door opened from outside. And in came Riza.

Riza, faking a calm demeanor, looked around the room to see how much was damaged. The only piece of furniture in its rightful place was the desk Zolf and Cain were at. Everything else was thrown about, overturned, or broken. Then she looked at Roy and Frank on the floor.

Roy put the phone down. "Uh, it's not what it looks like . . ."

"Oh, okay," Riza replied. "So you two _haven't_ been destroying this room while carnivorously attacking each other and that _isn't_ the Crimson Alchemist over there. I'm glad I _haven't _missed anything while I was gone."

Cain backed away from Zolf. "You're the – the _Crimson Alchemist_?" He backed away even further, shaking from fear. "The one who killed people on _our_ side at Ishbal? The one who turns people into _bombs_?"

Zolf smiled and nodded. "Yep, that's me!"

Cain shrieked and ran to his room.

Riza rubbed her forehead. "I'm too tired to deal with any of this right now."

"What the hell do _you_ have to be tired about?" Frank snapped. While he was distracted, Roy was fishing up some telephone wire.

"Fine, let's settle this now!" Riza snapped back. She was awfully grouchy about something. "Who's going to tell me what the hell's going on?"

Zolf raised his hand. "Ooh! Pick me!" Riza lowered her eyelids, pointed at Zolf, so he continued: "It was Frank's orders by the Furher to find me and he'd get a promotion once he did. But Roy's not happy with that, so to be fair to both of them they're fighting until one of them can't anymore and the winner will get the credit of bringing me here!"

"Can anyone tell me how that's fair?" Frank scoffed. Then Roy suddenly grabbed his arms and pulled them behind his back. "Hey, it's time-out, you freak!" Frank tried to wiggle away, but Roy was just about finished with tying his arms up with the telephone wire.

"No one called for a time-out!" Roy declared triumphantly. He stood up and stomped a foot on Frank's back. "This means I win! Ha!"

Frank tried to kick, and that was when he noticed Roy got his legs tied up, too. "When the hell'd you do this? You cheated somehow!"

"I congratulate you for your success, Colonel," Riza said sleepily, heading towards her room. "And since the Lieutenant Colonel is tied up now, I suppose you'll be doing all the cleaning yourself."

Roy took his first hard look at the destroyed room. "Damn . . . who did all this?"

"It was mostly you, Roy dear," Zolf answered.

"Oh . . . well, I'll get Sheska and the others on this job. Let's go find them." Roy headed to the rooms and Zolf followed.

"You bastards!" Frank yelled, unable to get up. "Don't just leave me here!"

"You're part of the trash they need to pick up!" Roy laughed.

Aww, the poor albino never wins.

* * *

Jean Havoc – unchanged

Aztec Goddess: I had a dream today. Zolfy was trying to cook a piece of meat on the floor with a match. It blew up and he was happy.


	15. The Sea Witch

Aztec Goddess: Can anyone guess which Disney princess Ed is? (evil grin)

Timeline: Now it is right after the last two chapters.

* * *

The Sea Witch

"Fezzy . . ." Lust pouted. The two of them were dining at a small coffee shop since they were already broke. Lust scooted her chair closer to Fez's, trying to catch his attention. He was giving her the silent treatment. "Why are you mad? Is it because we lost the Crimson Alchemist? Or because you know I'm right – we should forget about him and start a family together!"

Fez rolled his eyes and took a sip of his coffee.

"When are you going to start calling me Ester? –Wait, that's my name right?"

Fez shook his head. "That's not _your_ name."

Lust was happy Fez responded. "So that _is_ my name! See? I remember everything–"

"That's not _your_ name," Fez repeated.

"Fine." Lust gave in for the hope of making Fez happy. She rested her head on his shoulder. "Call me what you like. But you love me, right? You loved the kiss?"

Fez was too embarrassed to answer. He just stared down at his coffee.

Lust at least knew the answer to her second question and she was content with that for the moment. They were almost alone. The shop owner was cleaning the counter, getting ready for closing time. The only really noticeable noise was the radio turned low: "People are baffled as to why the military in Central needed a castle built in a residential area. Eyewitnesses claim they saw a dragon around–"

Lust shot her head up. "Turn the volume up!" she demanded the shop owner.

The shop owner shrugged and did so. The radio news continued: "–but it disappeared as soon as it came. We have no further information on that. Indeed, you can hardly call this news."

"What has Envy been up to . . . ?" Lust wondered.

"The guy who wears that skimpy outfit?" Fez asked. Lust nodded.

The voice on the radio switched to a woman. "The Fuhrer has announced a plan for irrigation starting tomorrow morning. We are expecting heavy showers this spring and to make the streets as safe as possible for all the new models of cars, he says trenches throughout and circling the city are necessary. Experts are skeptical, saying the military is bored and has too much time on their hands after retreating from Lior."

"A circle around the city, huh?" Lust said.

There was more news: "Oddly, but not surprisingly to experts, Lior has been prospering and is now the leading city in coffee production after our soldiers left. Their past ruler Father Cornello has nearly been forgotten as most have already converted to the teachings of Ishbal."

"Hey, sounds like a nice place," Fez commented.

"Yes, it's wonderful," the shop owner added. "In fact, I use Rose-brand coffee! Good, no?"

Fez and Lust nodded and agreed. "Yeah, best I've tasted!"

"We should go live in Lior, Fezzy!" Lust pleaded, clasping her hands over one of Fez's.

"I'll consider that after we catch the Crimson Alchemist."

Lust groaned, knowing that was going to be difficult now that Zolf was back in the military. It would be stupid to just barge into HQ. And she had a feeling she had to worry about Pride and his "irrigation" now. He was obviously using the military to make a transmutation circle and then use Zolf . . . hey, that was Lust's idea! Now Lust was pissed. Pride took her idea! That damned momma's boy.

Back in Central, Ed was being a drama queen just to annoy Sloth. He was still tied to the bed and now faking really bad coughs. "Kaa . . . I'm _dying_! Oh, no, I think I can see my real mother! Kaa . . ."

Sloth was sitting in the living room, waiting for the doctor she called earlier. "Quit your whining!" she yelled out at her son. Then there was a knock at the door. "Hear that? That's probably the doctor!" Sloth got up and opened the door and . . . it was Pride.

"I didn't see you at work today, Miss Douglas," Pride said.

Sloth let out a deep sigh. "Listen, I'm really busy right now."

"No matter. Either you come with me now to discuss the plans or I'll call Dante to see what we should do to you – and your sons, of course."

"Kaa! Is the doctor here or not?" Ed whined loudly. He was unable to hear Sloth and Pride's conversation.

"No, my little sunshine!" Sloth answered Ed. Ed started yelling things about not being little. Then Sloth growled at Pride, "Can't you go against Dante just once? You have a family; you should know–"

"How to prioritize," Pride finished for her. "You don't want to be a traitor, now do you? Lust is gone with Scar and I've been stuck with Gluttony. Do you really want to test my patience?" He gave Sloth his best evil glare and she stepped back out of intimidation. Pride let himself in the house. "And what has Envy been up to?"

"I don't know . . . but I'll get him on task. So what are the plans?"

"Can't say here. Someone's coming."

Both stared at the opened door as footsteps came closer. A familiar blonde woman in white appeared, carrying a hefty bag. "Hello? Is this were Edward Elric is?" she asked.

"Yes. You're the doctor?" Sloth asked.

The blonde jumped a little. "Of course – of course I'm a doctor! Call me Miss Clara. May I see the patient now?"

"He's upstairs. Just follow the sound of whining. And it'll be alright if we leave for a moment?" Sloth motioned to Pride and herself.

"Yes, that's perfect-ly alright!" Clara sounded nervous. "You two can leave. Ed will be perfectly safe with me."

Sloth gave Clara an odd look, but she shrugged it off. Maybe all doctors were weird. Sloth and Pride left the house to go for a walk so he can explain what she missed. Clara was careful to make sure they locked the door behind them. She could hear Ed's fake coughs and could not help but snicker. "I finally got you, Ed."

Clara lugged her bag up the stairs and knocked on Ed's door. She said in her usual sweet voice, "Edward? Are you ready for your check-up?"

Ed quit his whining. ". . . Eh? Clara?" Clara let herself into the room. "Hey, since when did you start working here in Central?"

"Two days ago," Clara replied. "I had to. I needed a way to find you again." She was starting to get a maniacal look; eyes wide open, smile from ear to ear.

Ed was starting to get scared. "Are you feeling alright, Clara?"

"Me? I'm fantastic!" She set her bag on the floor and slowly unzipped it. "But _you_, my dear Edward, might feel a slight sting." As soon as the bag was completely opened, she swiftly pulled out a chainsaw and cranked it up.

Ed shrieked like a little girl and tried as best he could to free himself from the ropes strapping him to the bed. "What are you gonna do with that? Don't point it at me! Mommyyy!"

"There's no one here to help you," Clara happily replied. Now she looked really crazy. She held the chainsaw over her head and yelled, "Your voice is mine!" The chainsaw came down. Ed shrieked again. It sliced through his automail arm, dangerously close to his real skin.

"What the hell was _that_ for? Winry just fixed that – wait, what'd you say?"

"Your _voice_," Clara repeated. "I want it, but your false limbs are in the way." She held up the chainsaw again. "Don't you see, Edward? You're the Little Mermaid – you _must_ give me your voice so you can have real limbs!"

"Who are you calling a _little_ _mermaid_?" Ed spazzed. He finally freed himself and the chainsaw just barely nicked his leg – his real one. Ed jumped off the bed to the other side and kept on yelling, "Who's so small he got inhaled by a shrimp?"

Clara stared blankly at Ed. "I said the first part, but I dunno where you got the shrimp thing. Anyway–" She went back to acting like a psycho and laughed maniacally as she came after Ed with the chainsaw.

They ran around in circles in the room; Ed crying, Clara laughing. "Stop it!" Ed wailed. "What are you trying to do? And what's a little mermaid?"

"All shall be explained!" Clara declared. She aimed downward and got Ed's automail leg. He fell to the floor with a _thump_. "Success! Now I shall leave a note for your _mommy_ so she doesn't worry while I kidnap you so we can be off to my evil underwater lair! – That's Aquroya. It sank much quicker than anyone expected."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Ed shrieked. "You turned into a _real_ villain now?"

Clara put the turned-off chainsaw back in its bag. "Of course," she replied with a crazy smile. "I'm Psiren the _Sea Witch_ now. You can't make a living as a Phantom Thief forever the way the economy is run." She took out an already written note and gently placed it on the bed. Then she grabbed Ed and threw him over her shoulders like a sack of potatoes.

Ed swung around his only arm and leg in vain, screaming, "No, I'm too cool to die like this! This isn't you, Clara! You – you're possessed!"

Psiren giggled. "Maybe! But that doesn't matter now!" She unbuttoned part of her shirt so her transmutation circle showed. She also had a new necklace with a seashell attached to it. "Check this out. I can do more than alchemy with this!" The seashell glowed along with the circle, and in a flash, they both disappeared.

Meanwhile, not too far outside, Envy and the other including Gracia and Elysia were walking home. Elysia was asleep in her mommy's arms. Envy, Winry, Al, and Benjamin were walking tiredly behind them. "I supposed your plans didn't go so well?" Gracia asked them.

"It sucked," Envy answered. "And we even had to carry Denny home."

"What if Miss Maria really doesn't like him that way?" Al asked. "I mean, we really never considered _her_ feelings."

"No way!" Winry protested. "She's just unsure of herself right now – couldn't you guys tell?"

"I don't think anyone should meddle into something like this, even if it was the colonel's orders," Gracia said. "Maybe it'll be better if those two are left alone." They reached the house and the door was locked. She knocked a few times. No answer.

Envy knocked harder. "Hey, Sloth! Get your lazy ass to the door!" Still no answer.

"You think they're not there?" Winry asked.

"So how do we get in?" Al asked.

They all just stared at the door for a while, except for Elysia who was still asleep, and Gracia who was searching for something in her purse. "This is my house, remember?" She pulled out a spare key. The others went _ooohh_. They really did forget they were living in _someone else's _house.

Gracia went straight to Elysia's room to put her to bed. The others wandered around the first floor, wondering where Sloth was. Winry was the first of them to go upstairs into the room Ed was held captive in and – "AHHHH!" the crazed mechanic shrieked. The others rushed to see what was wrong. Winry was on the floor holding Ed's discarded automail leg. "The automail! My precious automial – it's ruined! Where the hell's Ed? I'll kill him!"

"Isn't the automail usually attached to Brother?" Al asked.

Envy spotted Psiren's bag with the chainsaw. "He isn't stupid enough to saw them off, right?" he asked, holding out the chainsaw.

"Doesn't he know he can snap them off?" Winry sniffled, cradling the ruined automail.

Then Gracia came. "What happened?"

"I think Sloth found a new form of punishment," Envy replied. "But where the hell are they?"

Noticing Psiren's note almost immediately, Gracia walked up to the bed. "What's this?"

Meanwhile, back outside but on the opposite side of the street, Pride was finishing his explanation to Sloth: "And so when the irrigation is complete, I'll call that crazy bombing bastard over to finish the job."

Sloth listened patiently, nodding her head as if in agreement, but as soon as Pride finished, she shrieked, "You're an idiot! Listen, my sons have already grown fond of many people that live here, so I'd have to save _them_! And what about all _their_ friends? No! This is the worst place to destroy!"

"Then I'd like to hear _your_ idea on making the stone," Pride said indifferently.

Sloth hesitated. ". . . Edward will make it – just like our last plan!"

Pride considered this. ". . . Alright, if and _only_ if Edward makes the stone before I call over the Crimson Alchemist, I'll call off my plan. I'd say he has about two or three days." And then they both went their separate ways, Sloth back to the house.

Gracia had unfolded the note and read it aloud, "To whom it may concern: I, Psiren the Sea Witch of Aquroya, have taken Edward Elric since I confirmed that he is the little mermaid I have been searching for."

Envy snickered. "Aw, how cute! The _little mermaid_!"

Gracia continued: "I shall release Edward as soon as I steal his voice and transfer it into my mystical little seashell using a simple magical procedure. And I shall abide to the law of fairy tales – oh, and _equivalent exchange_ by replacing his automail with real limbs. Please do not come after me because that may ruin my plans. Thank you."

"What's all that about?" Al asked.

"It's exactly what it sounds like!" Envy said. "The nene's a _princess_, just like your sleeping friend in the military!" Then Envy realized what he had said. "Hey, wait a minute! So when the hell does he expect to finish his job?" He meant making the philosopher's stone.

Sloth came back and went straight to the room all the others were in. "How's Edward?" She noticed he was not in bed. "Hey, who let him out?"

"So you don't even know where he went?" Envy snapped. "You're a horrible mother!"

"Don't give me that crap! You'd _love_ me to be your mother!"

"You had your son tied to a bed and you still lost him!"

Gracia did not want to get involved, so she just gave Sloth the note and left the room to check on Elysia. There was a lot of yelling going on; she probably woke up.

For once, Winry was fighting _with_ Envy. "That's right! You're too irresponsible to be a mother!" she told Sloth. "Do you know what could be happening to poor Ed right now?"

Sloth glanced at the note. All she needed to see was _little mermaid_ and she already had a good idea on what happened. "Ed's a _princess_?"

"No freakin' duh; we already established that," Envy spat.

Sloth frowned at Envy. "I'm getting really tired of you. Why won't you busy yourself with . . . an old lady who swallowed a fly."

"No! That's too long – there was an old lady who swallowed a fly." That crazy long-ass rhyme had started and Envy could not stop it.

Winry looked curiously at Envy. "Why?" she asked.

"I don't know why she swallowed a fly – perhaps she'll die!" Envy glared at Sloth.

"What's wrong with Envy?" Al asked.

"Don't worry," Sloth replied. "Ignore him; he'll be done in a little while. So tell me, was Edward already gone when you guys came back?"

"Yeah . . ." Winry started. "Mrs. Elric, is Ed's life in danger?"

"Probably not, unless this Psiren lady doesn't know what she's doing." Sloth crumpled up the note. "Either way, no one kidnaps _my_ son! What's _Aquroya_?"

"That's Miss Psiren's hometown!" Al explained. "It was sinking into the sea when Brother and I–"

"Ah, yes. And she told you two of Xenotime where you met your imposters. I remember now."

Al was amazed. "Wow, moms really do know _everything_!"

Envy tried to get their attention so they could make him stop. He said the rhyme louder: "I don't know how she swallowed a cow; she swallowed a cow to catch the dog! She swallowed the dog to catch the cat!" Envy was now giving Sloth a helpless look.

"That's what you get for making us sing the other night," Sloth scolded him.

"I've been wondering," Winry started, "how is it that he's the only one affected this time?"

"Nursery Rhymes are special parts of fairy tales," Sloth explained. "Only those with the crappiest childhood are forced to recite them."

"You sure? I mean, I was orphaned, and look at Al!"

"Yeah, well Envy died when he was a baby. Don't you think that's worse?"

"Oh, wow . . . I would have never guessed." Then Winry came to a realization. "Oh, but you two are homunculi, right? So is it normal to die? How does it work?"

Sloth scratched her head. "I'm kind of new. I don't know how to explain it, but I suppose it's alright for us to die a couple of times."

"But does it hurt?" Al asked.

"Only by a lot."

"There was an old lady who swallowed a horse – she's dead of course!" Envy rejoiced. "Yay, I'm done!" Then he slapped Sloth upside the head. "You're mean! And why are we still wasting time here?"

Sloth hit Envy back. "That's rude, Envy! –Wait, we should be rescuing Ed by now!"

"That's what I've been trying to say!" Envy started out the door.

"Wait, so what do _we_ do?" Al asked.

Sloth headed out, too. "Al, maybe your duck can go underwater, but you can't. And Winry will just be a burden."

"Gee, thanks," Winry scoffed.

Sloth and Envy were already out of the house. "But she has a point," Al said to Winry. "They're both homunculi; they won't need our help anyway."

"But do you seriously think those two can work together?"

Now Al was worried. "Brother . . ."

Back at South, Roy did get Sheska, Heymans, and Vato to clean up his own mess yet again. But he specified that Frank Archer should remain tied up. During that time, Roy was in Jean's room with Zolfy, explaining the situation.

"So as idiotic as it may sound," Roy said, "Jean Havoc's life is in danger due to pricking his finger on an inconveniently-placed spinning wheel. Seriously, who puts one of those in the middle of the street?"

Zolf kneeled down, gently placed the bag with his bookie and Greed's skull inside on the floor next to him, and examined Jean. "Yeah, just like Aurora. She isn't one of my personal favorites. Anyone who dances barefoot with owls is too weird, even for me. Ooh, but I love talking teapots! So motherly!"

"Eh?"

Zolf stared unbelievably at Roy. "Don't you know anything about fairy tales?"

"Yeah, I read the book – all by myself!" Roy declared triumphantly. ". . . Except for the _Sleeping Beauty_ part. The pages were missing."

"Oh, that's lovely. No wonder you guys haven't been able to wake Jean up."

"But won't the curse be broken as soon as the right person kisses him? Already a thousand or so women –"

Zolf started to laugh. But then he saw the confused look on Roy's face. "Whoa, you're being serious. What idiot gave you _that_ idea?"

Roy looked like he did not comprehend, or perhaps he did not want to. "You mean to say . . . we've been doing the wrong thing all this time?"

"Not exactly – just the insanely difficult, almost impossible way," Zolf replied matter-of-factly.

Roy laughed nervously. "Uh, don't let anyone else find out, okay?"

"Find out about what?" Sheska asked. Roy jumped. She had just come to the door with a broom at hand and she was still not very happy. Heymans and Vato were close behind, carrying several bottles of glue. Fixing the tables, desks, vases, and wiring took a _lot_ of glue.

"Uh, about all the awesome work you guys are doing!" Roy lied. "You know what? I think I'll give you all a day off tomorrow!"

Sheska and the others gave Roy a suspicious glare. "What aren't you telling us, Colonel?" Sheska irritably asked.

Roy was saved by Cain coming by with Black Hayate on his leash and asking, "Where's Hawkeye?" Then he spotted Zolfy on the floor and screamed, "AH! _He's_ in here!" Cain tried to run away, but Roy grabbed onto his shirt.

"That's right!" Roy declared. "The notorious Crimson Alchemist is in the building! That's the big secret!"

The other three just stared lazily at Roy. "We saw him here earlier," Heymans said.

"You even introduced us to him," Vato said.

Roy had nothing to say to defend himself with. "Why is everyone against me?" he pouted. "Everyone – go to sleep! I'm mad now!" The other three shrugged, then went to their rooms.

"Can I go, too?" Cain asked. Roy was still holding on to his shirt collar.

"No. You take care of Havoc at night, remember?"

Cain groaned in response.

Roy turned to Zolf. "So are you going to call the Fuhrer?"

"Nah, I don't feel like it right now," Zolf replied. Roy was crestfallen. Then Zolf spotted the checklist, so he had to grab it. "What's all this?"

"All the women who are supposed to kiss Havoc," Roy replied.

"Wow, how useless," Zolf said. He looked at Cain, which made him jump a little. "Hey, you scared little boy, find me a pen and paper." Roy let go of Cain. Since Cain was too afraid to step closer to Zolf, he pointed at the desk drawer from his spot. Zolf blinked at Cain. "I'm not gonna get it myself."

Cain was far too terrified to argue with the Crimson Alchemist and that outweighed his fear of walking around him, so awkwardly, without a word, he got the supplies and handed them to Zolf. Then Zolf had to ask, "Why are you scared?"

"'Cause you're scary!" Cain gasped at his own words, clasped his hands over his mouth, backed away, tripped over Jean, so he was now flat on his ass. Black Hayate bounced around Cain, wagging his tail, assuming that they were playing a game.

Zolf giggled. "Cute! Now anyway, this is the most important list you'll need:" Zolf started to write on a blank sheet of paper on the floor he titled _Princesses_. Roy walked closer to see the writing. "Ariel – the little mermaid, Aurora – the sleeping beauty, Belle – me! (Zolfy), Cinderella – dirty girl, Jasmine – foreign street rat lover, and Snow White – albino freak."

"_Albino freak_, eh . . ." Roy rubbed his chin. A brilliant discovery had dawn upon him. He crept out of the room to turn his vision into a reality.

"So what does that list mean?" Cain asked.

"You haven't noticed?" Zolf started. "Most of the weird things going on correspond to these six major characters. We need to consider all the problems their stories present. Like your friend over there," Zolf nodded towards Jean. "It's actually kinda easy to cure him. All you need to do is pick out one person and at least make them _think_ they're in love with him. The original _sleeping beauty_ never met her prince before he kissed her, so I bet it's irrelevant on how the _sleeping beauties_ feel towards the person who wakes them."

"So this isn't one of those _true love _things?"

"Nah, that was just added into the text so romantic people would buy the book." Zolf shrugged. "But now you can't legally buy it anyway. I'm tired. Mind if I sleep here?" Cain did not reply in fear of saying the wrong thing, so Zolf to his silence as a yes.

As Zolf made himself comfortable on the bed and Cain curled up on the couch with Black Hayate in fear of their lives, they heard Frank scream and curse at Roy followed by Roy's hysterical laughter. "Should we go see . . .?" Cain started.

"No, I know what's going on," Zolf answered. "It's not important."

"Get the freakin' lipstick off me, Roy!" Frank shrieked. He was still tied up in the same place Roy left him earlier and now he was angrier than ever for a very good reason.

"But that's the only way it works!" Roy protested. The noise caught Sheska, Heymans, Vato, and Riza's attention, so they were all in the same room now.

"What are you doing now, Colonel?" Riza asked, not amused. But Heymans and Vato were. They took pictures.

Roy properly introduced his brilliant discovery: "Lips red as the rose! Hair black as ebony! Skin white as snow!"

"I'm not Snow White, you idiot!" Frank yelled.

The others tilted their heads at Frank. Sheska said, "If you squint, he kinda does look like her. But wait, is this allowed?"

"_I'm_ allowing it!" Roy replied. "Plus, this'll be good for him! Now we know who to protect from poison apples!"

"Oh, so you put lipstick on me for _protection_," Frank spat. "If that's the case, I am _so_ _grateful_." Roy decided to ignore the sarcasm, so they all agreed to leave Frank like that, at least for tonight.

Back in Jean's room: "Aw, come here, little doggy!" Zolf coaxed Black Hayate. He held out an arm and snapped. The doggy happily jumped out of Cain's arms, trotted over Jean, and jumped next to Zolf on the bed.

Cain tried his best to hide his fear. "You – you're not gonna . . . ?"

"Make him go kablooie?" Zolf finished. He petted Black Hayate's back. "I would never do a thing like that! He'd make a crappy, tiny bomb!"

Needless to say, Cain was not reassured. He decided to change the subject. "So . . . if you didn't get executed, where were you all this time?"

Black Hayate rolled over to his back so Zolf started petting his stomach. "They kept me in prison for, I dunno, seven years? Then I escaped when some homunculi were planning something, but they took too long. Then I lived at a bar and now I'm here."

"And was it easy to get that job? At the bar?"

"Well, I never did any work around there. But they won't be happy when they find out I'm here. But I'm sure we'll be long gone by then."

True. Greed and the chimeras suspected nothing. When Greed came back with Wrath, they all had much more on their minds. While the others were searching for clothes for Wrath, Marta brought up the bet they made with Greed. And that was when Greed remembered he forgot his girlfriend of the day on the island. The chimeras would still be laughing at Greed if Wrath did not threaten to kill them for hurting his daddy's ego.

Cain gained the confidence to ask, "You're not really a madman bomber everyone says you are, are you?"

"Lemme put it this way: everything you've heard about me is _probably_ true," Zolf answered. "Except for being dead, so – AH! You stupid dog!" Zolf sat up, tried to shake the dog off his arm, then simply pulled him off and dropped him to the floor. Black Hayate tried to do what excited doggies do. "Do that to Jean! _He_ won't mind!" But Black Hayate had no interest in Jean. He crawled to a corner and began to sulk.

A small laugh escaped Cain's lips, but then he immediately covered his mouth with his hands again. "I'm sorry! That wasn't funny – I shouldn't–"

Zolf stared at Cain as if he were the most messed-up weirdo in the entire world. "Yeah right! That must have been freakin' hilarious from your point of view!" He threw a cover at Cain. "Learn to laugh, you weirdo!"

"You wouldn't have killed me?" Cain cautiously asked. He spread the cover over himself but the thought that it could explode at any second was behind his mind.

Zolf did not reply. He just smiled, then turned his back at Cain to go to sleep. Cain was still afraid of him and that may never change. But if he survived this night, then . . . maybe he would survive another?

* * *

Jean Havoc – 2 days, 14 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Hm, I think the biggest question is: where did Roy get red lipstick? Dun dun dun! Nah.


	16. Play Right

Aztec Goddess: Ah! I'm so sorry for anyone who really liked this fic and had to wait a long-ass time for updates! (runs to a corner and hides in shame)

Timeline: Very early the next morning. So this is like a . . . Thursday if I kept track right.

* * *

Play Right

Ed coughed and it was not faked this time. He was so dazed and tired and cold; so very cold. He looked around only to see he had no clue as to where he was and there was no way out. Downstairs led to nothing but water and if he hopped over to look through a window, all he saw was blueness and fishies swimming around. But Ed only got up once. He felt too weak, even to scratch his chicken pox – there were more than ever now.

Psiren the Sea Witch appeared out of nowhere. She now wore her trademark black disguise. She crossed her arms and stared down at Ed. "They're coming for you," she pouted. "That means I'm forced to do a rushed job." She pulled out a razor-sharp card from her cleavage and kneeled down to Ed.

"What now?" Ed mumbled. "My automail's already off . . ."

"Not all of it!" Psiren snapped, sounding offended. She pointed to the metal covering Ed's shoulder. "There's still _that_! And it's on your leg, too! I want it off!"

Ed was getting scared again. "Those parts don't come off! They're not supposed to! Don't!"

"Don't worry; you won't feel a thing!" Psiren replied, eyes all wide again, holding up that threatening card.

Gee, it sounds like Ed got himself into quite a pickle. How has his little rescue team advanced?

Envy and Sloth were tired. Possibly because they had to circle around Amestris twice to find Aquroya since they had no map and too much pride to ask for directions. But hey, give them credit for finally finding a city already completely engulfed by water.

Envy plopped down face-first in the sand out of exhaustion. "I can't take it anymore!" he whined. "I need to sleep!"

Sloth kicked some sand over Envy. "Quit being so bitchy! My son's in danger!"

"When _isn't_ he in danger?"

Sloth scowled. "Get up, Envy. Look, we're so close!" She motioned towards the water. "I think I can see part of the city form here."

"Carry me there."

"We're going to be underwater." Then Sloth got an idea. "Oh, I see now. You're afraid of water! Aww, no wonder you never shower!"

This got Envy to stand up. "You know that's not true! I don't shower 'cause I never get dirty! Let's go!" He jumped into the water and Sloth followed.

"So, you're going to turn into a fish or something?" Sloth asked as they swam in deeper.

"No, that's stupid!" Envy replied as his lower body changed into a mermaid's tail. "So, how do I look?"

Sloth chose her answer very carefully. She turned away and wailed, "Ah, my eyes!"

Envy growled. "That's 'cause I'm too hot for you!" he spat.

"Yes, I see you're flaming gay."

"Shut up! You wish you had my powers! All you can do is turn into water! A chunk of ice can do that, too!"

"Yeah, well ice _is_ water! And if I had your powers, I bet I would do a little more than just be a slutty hermaphrodite all my life!"

Envy gasped. "Oh, you did not just go there!"

It took a while for them to notice, but they had swum right past Aquroya while they were arguing. Having to turn back only intensified their anger.

"Look what you made us do!" Envy bitched. "Like I'm not tired enough!"

"I'm so sorry, little miss drag queen, but I'm not the one who told you to keep on swimming! So this is your fault!"

"What? Hey, water's supposed to be _your_ element! So anything that goes wrong here is your fault!"

Just then, Psiren appeared in front of them, between them and Aquroya. "My, my, nice to see how far teamwork had led you two."

The two homunculi just stared at her for a while. Then Sloth asked, "How's that human here underwater like it's nothing?"

"Oh, it really is nothing with magic," Psiren replied with a smile. "Anyway, you two were not supposed to make it this far. As punishment, you'll play by my rules! So from now on, you two shall be tethered! Ta-taa!" She tapped her shell necklace, it glowed, and then she disappeared again.

"Tethered?" Sloth repeated.

Envy shrugged. "I don't feel any different." He swam towards a building, but did not get too far before: "AHH!" His body was flung towards Sloth; he crashed into her, and sank towards the ocean floor due to dizziness.

"What the hell was that for?" Sloth yelled. Then she too started sinking. "But I don't feel a tether anywhere . . . Damn it, her _magic_ really works."

"This is crap!" Envy nagged. "I don't wanna be close to you, even if it's for saving that stupid nene!"

"All the more reason for us to kick that doctor's ass," Sloth replied. She headed towards the buildings with Envy unwillingly flopping along behind her. "And I called her over to _help_ my son, not kidnap him. Before I kill her, I'm suing!"

Then Sloth stopped. She looked around to see one, two, twenty, fifty – too many buildings to choose from. She looked at Envy. "Any suggestions as to where we should start?"

"Nope, but I'm right behind you." This was followed by a sarcastic laugh.

Sloth's fingers twitch. At the moment, she wanted nothing more than to pluck off Envy's spiky hair. She did attack him, but Envy was ready to fight back. This stupid battle ended shortly since when one fell, the other would too. And shoving did absolutely no good.

"Okay . . ." Envy said, dizzy. "Let's try not to do that again."

Sloth's eyes widened. "How much time have we wasted? Choose a damned building already!"

So they did choose a damned building. And then another. And, well, this is going to take a while, so back at South:

Cain thought he would never be able to sleep, but he did doze off at about five in the morning. What was so scary about the Crimson Alchemist anyway? Black Hayate was not frightened at all. In fact, he jumped onto the bed in the middle of the night and slept between Zolfy's legs. Then again, Cain would never have that kind of courage. Or indecency.

Only after about an hour of peaceful rest, Roy barged into the room. "Fury! Get up – no laziness, remember!" Poor Cain fell sideways off the couch and onto Jean. "Hey, doing that won't wake him up! Quit fooling around!"

"But Colonel!" Cain said, almost crying. "Why don't you let me sleep? What's there to do this early in the morning?"

All that noise woke Zolf up. "What the hell?" he moaned, moving some long hair away from his face.

"Who's—oh! Kimblee!" Roy's attitude completely changed. He became too nice. "You can sleep in if you want – sorry for bothering you! So, I hope you stay here's going well?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Except when that little bastard started humping my arm."

Roy was so much more than shocked. _"Fury!"_ he gasped. "That's so unlike you! Or, or are you finally showing your true colors?"

Cain turned red. He got off of Jean and tried to explain himself. "No! No, it's not like that! It was Black Hayate, not me!"

"And do you also blame the dog for not getting any work done?" Roy questioned suspiciously.

"But I'm telling the truth! Why don't you ever believe me?"

Zolf was just having fun listening to them, until he felt an odd shaking on his leg. "Damn it, you stupid dog!" he yelled as he pulled Black Hayate off his leg.

"See? Proof!" Cain declared.

"Get him out of here!" Zolf yelled, waving around the dog.

Roy grabbed Black Hayate. "Sorry for the inconvenience." Then he grabbed Cain. "Get your ass out of here!" So Zolf was left alone in the room. And he knew what Roy wanted; it is what all men in the military want: a promotion. And a phone was waiting at arm's reach. But since when did Zolf start doing what others wanted? He just went back to sleep.

As soon as they were far enough away from Jean's room, Roy made Cain hold Black Hayate and he started yelling: "Are you trying to get me _demoted_? How could you let the dog you're supposed to be watching over do _that_? Don't you understand Kimblee has the power to make me a brigadier-freakin'-general?"

Cain was getting scared. "But Colonel—"

Roy's eye twitched. He grabbed Cain's arm. "Sh! Don't call me that! It's bad luck! Take it back!" His voice turned into a crazy shriek in his last sentence.

"You're hurting me . . ."

Lucky for Cain, Riza came by. Black Hayate hopped out of Cain's arm and circled around his real owner. "Colonel, stop scaring Fury," Riza said.

"No! You're saying it, too!" Roy shrieked. He put a finger at Riza's lips. "You mustn't! And you won't once I get my promotion! I _am_ getting my promotion, right?" He glanced back and forth at Cain and Riza. "_Right_? I didn't tie Archer up with telephone wire for fun!"

Cain and Riza exchanged worried looks. "You shouldn't expect so much," Riza said, "especially from the Crimson Alchemist. It's making you a little . . . insane."

Roy's eye twitched again. "Whatever do you mean? I'm not the one who disappears for hours and hours at a time, _First Lieutenant_."

"Oh, that reminds me: I need to go—"

"You can't!" Roy dropped down and clung to Riza's legs. "I'm getting hungry and I can't trust the others to cook something!" He started to whisper. "They're all against me. Especially Archer. I don't know why."

Riza pulled out her gun and aimed it at Roy. "I'm ready to shoot if you keep acting like this."

"But it's not my fault! Kimblee . . . he won't call . . ."

Riza gave Roy an odd look. "You?"

Roy replied with sarcasm: "Yes, exactly. Even though I saw him a minute ago, I still want him to call me so we're never out of touch." Roy heard a click. He quickly let go of Riza's legs and backed away. "Ah! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!"

Riza put her gun away. "You need a lot of rest, _Colonel_. And no one would be against you if you stop acting like a jerk. I'll make you some tea and that's it." She walked over the crazed, curled-up Roy and headed to the kitchen. Black Hayate followed.

"She's against me, too," Roy whispered. All this while, Cain had been slowly creeping away from Roy, but he noticed. "No, you can't leave me, too!" Roy wailed. "I trusted you!"

Cain quickly turned around and stood his ground. "When?" he asked, trying to make a mad face, but it was not very convincing.

"Um, right now! I trust that you can make the best damn pancakes right now!"

Cain grimaced.

". . . Please?"

Now Cain could not say no. He headed towards the kitchen as well. On his way, Roy added, "And some sausages and butter toast, oh and scrambled eggs!"

"I'll scramble _your_ eggs," Cain muttered under his breath. Even though Roy did not hear, Cain gasped and clasped a hand over his mouth. He had just said his very first naughty threat in his life! This was scary. Was he going to get struck by lighting? Will the entire universe collapse? Cain stood very still for a moment. But nothing happened, so he went onward to the kitchen. He was a bit shaky, though.

Sheska was having fun chopping things in the kitchen. Carrots, pickles, mostly things she was not going to use. Heymans and Vato were cooking, too. They stayed far away from the happy librarian as they waited for water for their ramen to boil. It seems like they were all forced to cook even though Roy did not trust them. And yes, Riza was making tea as promised.

Cain searched the refrigerator for some of the things Roy wanted. He took out the butter and egg carton first. "Does anyone know where the pancake mix is?" The question was aimed towards anyone who would bother to listen.

"In one of those cupboards." Sheska pointed with her huge butcher knife she was chopping baby carrots with. She was grumbling something like, "Take this, Roy! And that!" as she chopped.

Back at the corridor, Roy sneezed twice. He sniffled. "Where the hell did that come from?" he wondered.

Then Zolfy came along. "Y'know, there's a fairy tale where a guy died 'cause he sneezed three times."

Roy hid his hysterical fear and replied, "What's the story called?"

Zolf shrugged. He pointed forward. "Showers are that way, right?" Without waiting to hear Roy's answer, he went on his way.

Roy had a moment of silence. Even he thought he would go crazy again, but then he remembered: _If I do die, I won't get one but TWO promotions! . . . But it'll really suck that I won't be able to celebrate._ He sighed. _I bet making fun of Archer will cheer me up._ So Roy went on his merry way to the main entrance.

The poor albino was still tied up on the floor in the middle of the room and he did sleep that way. But he still had some dignity. He managed to lick off the red lipstick Roy put on him.

"Good morning, Archer!" Roy chimed. "Did you have a nice sleep like a proper princess?"

Frank shot a glare at Roy. "Shut up about that," he grumbled. "I would _know_ if I were Snow White!"

"But you match the description perfectly, Princess! And I bet you have a bitch of a stepmother who talks to a mirror, am I right?"

"Yes, and I live in the woods with seven midgets," Frank retorted.

"_Dwarves_," Roy corrected him.

Frank rolled his eyes. "Untie me, Roy."

"_Never!"_ Roy did a dramatic pose. "This is how your story goes! You're trapped in misery until your handsome prince – which might be a girl seeing that the princess here is a guy – shows up!"

On cue, a beautiful woman with big bright eyes, medium-length dark hair, and cute little earrings (okay, she had big boobs, too) came into the building. "Excuse me," she said in a sweet voice.

"What!" Roy shrieked.

Frank was intrigued. "Hey, I can get used to this!"

The mystery woman tilted her head in confusion. "Is he—I mean, I'm here for Jean. Someone from here said I should come along; said Jean needed to see me. Sorry I took so long – I've been really busy. . ." Realizing how she spoke, she covered her mouth with a hand. "Sorry."

Roy and Frank exchanged confused looks. "And who are you, exactly?" Roy asked.

"Oh! Pardon, I'm Beatrice, a classical-style playwright. You see, I've been working on a new piece day and night, but . . . you can figure it out, right?" She sighed. "Speaking in prose becomes more difficult I suppose."

Just then, Sheska's yelling from the kitchen could be heard: "Come get your damned breakfast, Colonel!"

Roy cringed. "She called me _Colonel_ . . ." He heeded Sheska's call nonetheless and headed over to get his well-deserved breakfast.

As soon as Roy left the room, Frank said, "Hey, Beatrice. Mind untying me?" And just like that, he was freed.

"May you tell me where Jean is?" she asked, carefully speaking one sentence at a time.

Frank got up from the floor. "Sorry, I don't know where the hell they keep him."

Beatrice tilted her head again. "Meaning . . .?"

"Um, it's complicated. The others know more about it than I do." Frank led Beatrice to the dining room. On their way: "So how do you know Jean?"

"He's a childhood friend." She paused. "His hilariously horrible luck with relationships is what inspired me to write." Aw, how sweet! She smiled at the memories. "One time he had a turtle he loved with all his heart, but in the end a car—"

"No, you clearly said you made all these pancakes for me!" Roy shouted, glaring at the poor hungry Cain. There were eight neat stacks of pancakes on the table; enough for everyone. Not to mention there was much more than enough eggs and toast and everything else for one person. Perhaps Roy assumes his stomach is as big as his newly-inflated ego.

"Colonel," Riza groaned. "Remember what I said about acting like a jerk?"

"_Acting_?" Sheska repeated. "He's yelling at Fury! It takes a monster to do that!" Heymans and Vato said words of agreement. Cain blushed in embarrassment. Did everyone really see him as a sweet, innocent child? Yeah.

"I'm just getting ready for my promotion," Roy replied innocently. "Because I _am_ getting one, right?"

"Is there something wrong with him?" Beatrice whispered to Frank.

"A _lot_ of things," Frank replied.

Just then, Zolfy waltzed into the room wearing a white button-up shirt and blue pants. He took the first plate of pancakes Roy put in front of himself and started eating it. Then he said to Roy, "You don't mind if I have some of your clothes, right? Seeing I only have one pair . . ."

Roy was a tad dumbstruck at first, but he answered, "Yes, of course I don't mind!" He took the proceeding plate of pancakes for himself. Everyone else could only gawk at the sight.

"Oh, I see," Beatrice whispered to Frank. "He's gay, isn't he?"

Frank nearly burst out laughing. Oh, what a lovely way to get even with Roy! "Yeah, that's why he's bitchy all the time," he explained. "That guy with the long hair doesn't seem to get it. It's really sad."

Cain finally noticed the guest. "Oh! Beatrice," he said, going up to her. "Sorry, this isn't a good day for most of us, but we've got to ask you for a big favor. It's about Jean—"

"Roy, why is that dog still in the building?" Zolf asked after he finished inhaling his food. He shot a dirty look at Black Hayate.

Riza got defensive. "What's wrong with Black Hayate?" she asked.

"I want him outta here."

Heymans held up an arm as he got his own food. "I second that motion!"

Riza glared at both of them. She lifted her doggy up and replied, "Black Hayate has never caused any of us serious trouble. There's no need for him to be sent outside."

"He tried to _rape_ me!" Zolf shot back.

Heymans dropped his plate. "Dogs can do that?" he shrieked. He ran for cover behind Sheska. Vato was being smart. He ate some of Roy's pancakes as the others argued.

Riza and Zolf looked at Roy, waiting for his decision. Roy got nervous, so he looked at Cain. "You choose, Fury!"

"Why are you always getting me involved?" Cain whined.

"Some leader you're turning out to be," Frank commented.

"Hey, I'm gonna be the best damned brigadier general—"

Sheska lowered her eyelids. "Yes, a general pain in the ass," she retorted.

Roy probably would have gone off on her, but Beatrice interrupted them. "Excuse me, everyone!" The others quieted down. "I'm here concerning a favor for Jean. Correct?" She looked at Cain, and he nodded. "Albeit, I'm busy working on a new story, so if it's alright, may I ask for a favor first?"

"Sure, what do you have in mind?" Roy said.

"It seems all of you have interesting conflicts, so may I . . . analyze them; see if I can come up with a new story like this?"

The others looked at one another and shrugged. It sounded like the favor required little effort, so it will all go along smoothly, right? Yeah, maybe if Beatrice was not set in writing a particular genre. It seemed perfect. Right now, the two chosen main characters were sharing the last pancake, perhaps unwillingly, but still. _I know it might be hard,_ she thought, staring directly at Roy and Zolfy, _but when they let down their guard, I will have my new romantic comedy._

What a jolly good time Snow White shall have!

* * *

Jean Havoc – 3 days, 1 hour, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Yeah . . . I just had to do that. Anyway, wow, sounds like Jean has hope now!


	17. Miss Understanding

Aztec Goddess: Blah, I'm still not quick enough in updating!

Timeline: This part starts during the previous scene at South.

* * *

Miss Understanding

The Hughes residence was too quiet that morning. There was no shrimp screaming to get untied to his bed. There were no homunculi complaining about one thing or another. Gracia told Winry and Al not to worry. If anyone could save Ed from a sea witch, it had to be his undead mother and a man in a skort. She sounded believably serious when she told them that.

Winry sat in the living room, crossed-arms, while waiting with the others for Gracia to finish breakfast. (She was not going to make an ass out of herself knowing that no one can beat Gracia in cooking.) "I don't trust them," Winry suddenly declared.

"Hm?" Al said. He and Elysia were on the floor watching Benjamin waddle around on his own.

"Sloth and Envy! I mean, everything we know about them is questionable." Winry started shaking her leg nervously. "It's like Ed's screwed no matter what happens."

Al thought for a moment. "…You're not saying that just because you don't like those two? What do you have against them, really?" Al could seriously see nothing wrong with either homunculus. They were not particularly rude, right?

Winry could think of a lot of problems: _That damned Envy thinks he's better than me! He acts like he knows Ed more than I do! He questions my femininity! He wanted to out-cook me! His legs are nicer than mine! HE THINKS HE'S PRETTIER THAN ME! AS FOR SLOTH . . . I guess I really don't mind her. But still! She's with Envy! GRR! _

On the outside, Winry kept her cool. She replied to Al, "No, I have absolutely nothing personal against them."

"Breakfast's ready!" Gracia called to the others.

Elysia ran to the kitchen and Winry dawdled behind. "Sorry, Miss Gracia," she said. "I'm not very hungry this morning."

Gracia smiled weakly. She knew this was about Ed. "It's alright. You know, there are other things to think about like . . . how's Denny Brosh doing? Maybe you should check up on him."

Gracia was right. Poor Denny was stuck in the friend zone with Maria and it was pretty much their fault; not just Envy, but all of them that thought they could bring those two closer.

So, yeah, that sounded like a good plan: Winry will keep her mind off things by focusing on figuring out how to fix the misunderstanding between Denny and Maria. That should at least take all day. Winry headed out the door.

"Where are you going?" Al asked, picking up Benjamin.

"To check up on Denny," Winry replied. "You think he's still crying in his house?"

"That sounds like him," Al replied. "Benjamin and I will go with you!"

It was not long until Winry discovered something else to divert herself from Ed. She fell into a long trench hole near the sidewalk of the house. "AH! How long has _this_ been here?" she screeched. She fell in an awkward position, on her ass with a leg in the air.

"Winry!" Al quickly turned away so he would not see…something he did not want to see. "Are, are you okay?"

"Do I _look_ okay?"

"I dunno! That's why I asked!" Then Al noticed some militants, one was Maria, with drills and shovels nearby. He called to her, "Miss Maria! Help!"

Maria took her sweet time walking over to them. "What is it, Al? We're really busy this morning—"

"It's Winry! I think she's stuck!"

"Y'know, today would be a good day to help me up," Winry mumbled.

Maria took one look at Winry. ". . . And how did this happen?" she asked Al.

"She fell?" Al replied a bit confused. Why was Maria taking so long to help?

"I see . . ." Maria said. "So, where's Denny? Is he going to pop out of nowhere and save her – he set you two up for this, no?"

"What do you—?"

"Al, your innocent act will only work for so long," Maria said in a stern voice. Then she turned to Winry. "And you, Winry, if you're going to go around falling into trenches, don't do it in a skirt!" With that said, Maria walked away to where she previously was.

"What the hell!" Winry shrieked, flailing her arms to no avail. The trench was too narrow and deep. "Al, help me up!"

"Sorry Winry, I . . . I just can't."

"Do it!" Winry hissed.

Peer pressure is a powerful thing, and that is what got Al to help Winry out of the trench. Scary, huh? Imagine what could have happened to Al if he was pressured into buying a bag of candy. He would just be wasting Ed's hard-earned cash on something he can do nothing with! Anyway . . .

Winry dusted herself off and looked around herself. "Why is the military making all these trenches?" Winry wondered out loud.

"I think it's because they have nothing else to do or something like that," Al replied.

"Well, we're definitely not gonna get any answers from Maria, so let's go look for Denny."

Al nodded in agreement. The three of them followed the trail of trenches, passing several militants on the way. They tried asking some of them if they knew where Denny was, but most did not replied or just mumbled complaints about how pointless what they were doing seemed like.

"Ooh, a kitty!" Al suddenly said in glee. Before Winry could tell him to stop, Al had already run off to chase it.

"Al!" Winry called out. "You already have an ugly duck!" She started running after him. "Why would you want that cat that's . . . wearing boots! Oh, that is so cool! _I_ want him!"

Winry and Al chased Puss in Boots over countless trenches, down and across streets, pass honking cars and cussing pedestrians that they pushed to the ground. The cat knew he was under hot pursuit, so he ran to a dark alley, on top of trash cans, and over the fence making it a dead end.

"Nooo!" Al wailed dramatically. He was about to attack the fence, but Winry grabbed his arm.

"No, Al!" Then she said sadly, "Let him go . . ."

"But I never even got to name him . . ."

There was a moment of silence, followed by a single quack by Benjamin.

"You're right, Benjamin," Al said. "That cat was just going to use me for food, then leave as soon as Ed comes back and yells at it."

Winry gave Al an odd stare. "Did the duck really say all that?"

"Probably not."

But now that Al mentioned it, Winry was back to worrying over Ed, and she was right to worry. Envy and Sloth had only just finished searching through four buildings underwater because every time their failed to find Ed:

"You were wrong again, Sloth!" Envy yelled as they left the fourth building. "Why, you never cease to amaze me!"

"At least I'm trying!" Sloth yelled back. "Why don't you ever choose a building? You're that afraid to be wrong, too?"

"Ha! You admitted to being wrong!"

"Freakin' duh! If I _wasn't_ wrong that last time, we would have found Ed already! Now you choose the next place!"

Envy puffed his cheeks like the blowfish floating next to him. "Ah! Hey, got away from me!" Envy punched the poor innocent blowfish whose only crime was mimicking that pretty mermaid-man. It went flying several yards away and disappeared into the distant dark blue water.

"Envy, don't be so cruel," Sloth chastised.

"But you saw him! He was getting ready to shoot me with those spikes!"

Sloth lowered her eyelids. "Blowfish can't do that."

"Oh . . ." Envy felt stupid. But he defending himself by questioning, "How do _you_ know?" He crossed his arms in triumph.

Sloth sighed. "Okay, if that fish comes back, I'll show you that it can't shoot its spikes off."

Was that abused blowfish planning on returning? Indeed, and he brought along some homies with him, too. In an instant, Envy and Sloth were surrounded by stingrays and sharks and other not-so-friendly fishies.

Envy and Sloth hugged one another and screamed.

"They're so ugly!" Envy shrieked. "I won't be able to stand attacking them!"

"There's too many of them!" Sloth shrieked along with Envy. "We've got to get out of here!"

The blowfish's army started its assault. It was a flurry of stingers and teeth and gills and when the homunculi tried to make their escape, naturally, they dashed in opposite directions so they came crashing back into each other. And that happened again until Sloth briskly grabbed Envy's arm and forced him to go her way.

They swam as quickly as possible into another random house and made it safely inside. Okay, well, part of Envy's tail got bitten off a couple of times, but that is no big deal for a homunculus. Envy laid on the floor to rest. "Damn, it's going to suck when this place turns out to be the wrong one and we'll have to go back out there again."

"It's your fault," Sloth scoffed. "You just had to punch that blowfish, didn't you? Happy?"

". . . I was at the time."

Sloth rubbed her forehead. "Let's just search this place, okay?"

Back at South, Roy's happy group was having their own little predicaments. The argument between Riza and Zolf about whether or not Black Hayate should be taken outside has turned into a fierce battle of wits and stupidity. Heymans fully supported Zolf's cause and Roy was obligated to. Since Sheska was against everything about Roy, she joined Riza's side and brought Vato along with her.

Each side ransacked as many rooms in the building as possible for supplies. Now they both had a fort made of desks and bed sheets and mattresses on opposite sides of the main entrance—being the largest room in the building.

Cain wanted to be neutral, but Zolf found it best to use him as a hostage, so he is now tied up with telephone wire inside their fort. Frank and Beatrice were the only ones that remained neutral because Beatrice was busy writing and Frank was busy telling her a bunch of crap. They sat near the top of a staircase where they had a nice view of the battle.

Riza took out a megaphone. "Zolf J. Kimblee has no say in any decisions here since he has yet to be reenlisted into the military! Black Hayate stays!"

Heymans replied with his own megaphone: "The dog lost its right to stay! He's causing emotional distress and he's a filthy animal—"

"And a pervert!" Zolf added.

"Roy's all that, too!" Sheska shot back. "But you're not trying to kick _him_ out! You guys are _hypocrites_!"

Zolf laughed crazily. Then he stood up, leaned halfway over a mattress, and declared dramatically, "You idiots don't know how serious this is! If the dog doesn't get out of here soon, I'll send the owner to prison for sexual assault! Cainy's my witness!"

"He's a freakin' puppy!" Riza shrieked.

Frank whispered to Beatrice, "Note how fixated Roy is on Kimblee's ass."

Beatrice nodded thoughtfully, and wrote it down on her little notepad. "Does the military have these types of battles often?" she asked innocently.

"Sadly, yes. The Fuhrer says it helps with our fighting skills."

"Fascinating."

Sheska and Vato whispered something to each other. Then Sheska declared, "We've prepared our attack if you guys don't stop this instant!"

"Bring it on!" Zolf yelled. Then he covered the megaphone and whispered to Roy and Heymans, "Guys, what's our ammo?"

Roy glanced around the ground behind him. "Let's see; we've got some leftover ramen, a pair of shoes, that thingy that gets longer when you play with it—"

"A slinky?"

"Yeah. Oh, and Cain Fury."

"Guys, I have an itch," Cain said. He was rather calm about all of this since none of it seemed serious.

"Okay, that's good enough," Zolf said. "Cain will be our human shield since they won't dare hurt him. And we can give them the slinky to distract them. And if things get ugly, we'll use the shoes and ramen."

Riza, Sheska, and Vato were trying to come up with their own plans.

"Damn, what are we gonna do?" Vato whispered. "They have two powerful alchemists on their side. . ."

"But no brains to back it up," Sheska pointed out.

"What do we have for ammo?" Riza asked.

"A bunch of loaded rifles, pots and pan, and a telephone."

"Okay," Riza said. "We don't wanna kill them, so we'll just use the pots and pans to scare them. And if things get ugly, I'll call the Colonel's mother."

Frank and Beatrice were concentrating very hard to hear every word the others were saying. "As you can see," Frank whispered, "they're all idiots. So should we just sit here and watch them kill each other with pans and a slinky?"

"Goodness no! I need the main topic of my story in here first!" Beatrice replied loud enough for the others to hear. Now that she had their attention, she stood up from the stairs and said, "If it won't be too much trouble, I'd like you all to postpone your doom so I may speak to . . . Zolf Kimblee in the other room."

Zolf chuckled. "She made a rhyme again." Roy, Cain, and Heymans gave him an odd look.

"What's this about?" Roy asked.

Zolf shrugged then he followed Beatrice up the stairs into an empty room. "You're looking for an interview or something?" he asked, taking a seat at the mattress-less bed.

"Somewhat," she said, sitting herself at an adjacent chair. "The material I'm looking for is . . . how should I say it . . . between you and Roy."

Zolf stared blankly at her for a while.

"You know . . . your _preferences_."

That gave Zolf an idea as to where this conversation was heading at and he thought he should have some fun. He crossed his legs in a gay manner and replied, "Oh, I see what you're trying to say. And you think you can play matchmaker without knowing a thing about us?"

"Well, I have noticed that he'd do _anything_ for you."

Zolf crossed his arms and ranted like a girly girl: "I know he's just trying to use me. He doesn't care. You should know that the first thing he said to me – after seven long years – is _you gained weight_! And I've changed my hairstyle and he hasn't a thing about it. Why do I even try?"

Beatrice scurried to write down all the parts that interested her. "Hm, perhaps he has trouble showing his true feelings. Frank told me it's supposed to be a secret that he's gay."

Oh, so Franky was the one who filled her with these thoughts. Zolf could now assume this is an act of revenge that he would be happy to be part of since he could care less about what others thought about him.

"I don't wanna wait any longer for Roy, though," Zolf pouted. "In fact, I slept with Cainy last night. _He_ knows how to treat a man. And he's so cute, too!" The amazing thing is: everything Zolfy has just said is true. So was it his fault that Beatrice interpreted all this a tad differently?

"Whoa . . ." Beatrice started. "Does Roy know?"

Zolf proudly shook his head.

Beatrice frowned. "So you won't give him another chance? . . . What if I can get him to admit his feelings for you?"

Zolf could not help but smile. (Beatrice misinterpreted this, too.) "Sure, give it all you got!"

In the meantime, Frank thought that he should try and see if he could get the others to believe that Roy is gay. He made his way into Riza's fort. The three in there were just killing time by seeing how good Sheska's book memories are.

"Beatrice; a classical-style playwright," Sheska began. "Let's see . . . It's been a while since her last play. I know her first once was _Much Ado about a Load of Crap_ and then _The Comedy of Retarded Mistakes_ and _Taming of the Crazy Cat Lady_ and—"

"Hey," Frank interrupted her. "You think Beatrice wanted to talk about Roy—"

"The Colonel's gay?" Vato suddenly said in a low voice.

"I knew it!" Sheska said low enough so only they could hear.

Riza was taken aback. "What gave you that idea? He's usually with a different woman every week!"

"And that explains why he can't keep a relationship with a woman for very long," Sheska pointed out.

"And he hasn't been looking for another woman ever since Kimblee came," Vato added. "Yes, it's all making sense now . . ."

"The Crimson Alchemist barely came yesterday," Riza grumbled, narrowing her eyes.

"And your point is . . .?" Sheska said.

Frank just watched in amusement as Sheska and Vato were already convinced about Roy's sexual preference and tried to make Riza see their point of view. Wow, that was easy!

Oh, if only finding a shrimp in an underwater city was that easy. But like that sock that disappears in the dryer; it is always in the last freakin' place you look, if you try looking for it that long.

After countless fatal fish-related injuries, Envy and Sloth finally made it inside the final building: the biggest one right in the middle of the city: the kind of building that they should have started at. Three sarcastic cheers for them.

The room they entered was only about three-fourths filled with water. "Upstairs must be like an air bubble," Sloth mused.

The homunculi cautiously made their way up the stairs and into a nearly empty room. The only thing there was an unconscious Ed laying on the floor

"Ed!" Sloth gasped. She ran up to her son and kneeled down to her son. Envy flopped painfully behind her on the waterless floor. "Envy, change back to your usual form."

"Oh, right. I knew that." Envy did so, and now was able to stand up again. He walked over to Ed too and grabbed his right arm. "Wow, Psiren did a pretty good job without using the philosopher's stone. He even has chicken pox on his new limbs."

Sloth gently shook her son. "Edward, get up." Nothing happened.

". . . Just so you know," Envy said, "I'm not gonna be the one to give him CPR."

"Like you'd know what to do with someone else's mouth," Sloth scoffed. She slapped Ed across the face and yelled, "Wake up, lazy ass!"

Ed suddenly sat right up and opened and closed his mouth like he was yelling at Sloth, but since he had no voice now, it was pleasantly quiet. Then Ed started coughing violently but silently. Sloth patted his back.

"I like him much better like this," Envy commented. Ed pointlessly mouthed things at him too.

Then the three of them heard hysterical laughter coming out of nowhere and Psiren appeared in front of them like before. "So you finally made it this far!" she said. "Damn, that took long! Ed was unconscious for at least two hours. So, how do you like my handiwork?"

"Really, what was the point of all this?" Sloth asked, more annoyed than anything.

Psiren showed off her shell necklace and replied, "I dunno, I just felt like trapping Ed's voice in this and giving him the limbs he needs in return. It's a sea witch thing."

"Oh, I see," Envy said. "That'd all be fine and dandy except for, y'know, you TETHERED ME TO THIS BITCH!"

"And now my son's as ill as ever thanks to you!" Sloth yelled along with Envy. "And I'm starting to think you're not a real doctor! No one should be kidnapping MY son anyway!"

Both insanely pissed-off homunculi attacked Psiren head-on. She easily dodged all of their attacks by jumping and warping out of the way.

"We need a plan," Sloth hissed.

"Just stay close by," Envy replied.

"You two shouldn't try to fight me," Psiren said with a smile as she reappeared away from them again. "I might get angry." Her seashell necklace glowed, Ed did too, and he was flung to a wall, and fell where the staircase was down into the flooded lower floor.

"Bitch!" Sloth screeched. She turned her arms into beams of water. One of them hit Psiren and she hit a wall too. The seashell broke like fragile glass, Psiren's eyes clouded over, and she passed out.

Streaks of light shot out from the broken seashell and Sloth just stood idly, admiring the show. Then she remembered: "Edward!" Sloth ran towards the stairs, then stopped. Envy had already dragged Ed back up the steps. The tether broke along with the shell.

Ed coughed out water and he was relieved to hear that his voice was coming back. "Well, last night really sucked," he said, holding in a sneeze until he finished his sentence. Then he turned his head and looked up at Sloth. "And to think, you had me tied to a bed and you still lost me!" What? No _thanks for saving my sorry ass, Mommy_?

Envy laughed. "That's exactly what I said!"

Sloth was so angry at both of them by now; she could have happily drowned them in an inch of water. But she had something more ingenious in mind. This should teach the both of them a lesson or two. Sloth faked a surprised look, gasped, and clasped her hands over her mouth dramatically.

"What's wrong now?" Envy asked.

"Envy, do you realize what this means?" Sloth said, sounding genuinely frightened. "You . . . you _saved_ the _princess_ just now! That means you're the prince in this story!"

Ed and Envy stared dumbly at Sloth, then at each other, and when their eyes me, they screamed hysterically. "AH! WHAT DID I DO?"

* * *

Jean Havoc – 3 days, 4 hour, 45 minutes 

Aztec Goddess: Aw, poor Jean's being neglected again . . . Time is just ticking away . . .


	18. About The Others

Aztec Goddess: Aw crap . . . Sure, Jean is practically forgotten for now, but what about everyone else? (sobs) Too many characters! And yet more to come!

Timeline: The events here occur during the previous chapter.

* * *

About The Others

Lust and Fez had the cheapest coffee they could find this morning, but needless to say, that was not enough for either of them. So they both agreed to go on a little food stealing spree down the streets of South. The Crimson Alchemist had to wait until their stomachs were no longer screaming for anything edible.

Fez was so freakin' pissed when fast-paced music started after he stole a loaf of bread from an old lady and authorities saw him and called him a street rat. But the song was part Fez's fault too since he told himself all he needed to do was keep _one jump ahead_ of those cops chasing after him.

Fez actually has a nice singing voice, but it was not something he was proud of. "Gotta keep one jump ahead of the breadline; one swing ahead of the sword. I steal only what I can't afford (that's everything!)." Then he mumbled, "I'm gonna kill them!" But he was unable to force his body to turn around to neither face the cops nor stop from running away from them.

"One jump ahead of the lawmen; that's all, and that's no joke. These guys don't appreciate I'm broke." Fez pranced around a building, not trying very hard to get away from his pursuers.

"Riffraff!" "Street rat!" "Scoundrel!" "Take that!" The cops shot several bullets at Fez and threw anything that they could find at him, but Fez was simply too nimble for them right now.

Lust wandered around another side of the city, searching for her love. She carried several bags filled with goodies that she got some random men to buy for her. And when they told her what they wanted in return, she killed them. Now Lust walked mostly with her head hung low. How come Fezzy never asked her to do the things the other men wanted?

Lust sighed heavily. Then she noticed that several people were racing to one direction. Some kind of interesting commotion must be going on. Fezzy! Lust ran quickly and skillfully in her high heels to where the others were heading at.

Suddenly, sirens could be heard and police cars sped past Lust and the others. She quickened her pace. Several cops were jumping out of their cars, having the urge to pursue the criminal on foot.

"Stop, thief!" "Vandal!" "Outrage!" "Scandal!" Still the cops had no luck in getting a single bullet into Fez, though they had him greatly outnumbered. But they did manage to have him surrounded in front of someone's house.

Fez was getting a tad worried. He waved around the bread teasingly and chimed, "Let's not be too hasty."

The house door Fez was standing behind swung open and a huge, scary lady came out, hugged him, and swayed him around. "Still I think he's rather tasty!" she sang in a horribly shrill voice.

"FEZZY!" Lust shrieked as she came running to the scene. She let the bags in her right hand fall to the floor and raised that arm forward and killed all the cops around Fez with her nails in one swoop. The ugly woman screamed for dear life, threw Fez to the floor, and ran back inside her house. All the other innocent citizens ran away screaming in a crazed frenzy.

Fez got up and dusted himself off. He noticed that the bread he stole was covered in dirt now, so he did not bother to pick it up. Then Lust went right up to him and slapped him across the face. "How dare you, Fezzy! You let that other woman grab and compliment you, but when I try anything—"

"I didn't _let_ her!" Fez defended himself, rubbing his check.

Lust quickly turned her back at him. "Why do you always make me look like the bad guy?"

". . . Well, you _did_ just kill a bunch of cops."

Lust crossed her arms. "And your point is? You've killed a bunch of State Alchemists! What's worse?"

Fez was beaten again. "Okay, fine, I'm sorry."

No reply.

Fez sighed. He outstretched his arms and said, ". . . Hug?"

Lust saw this as her chance to give him more than he asked for, so she happily jumped on top of him, knocking him down, and started making out with a very confused Fezzy again. And again, Fez just shrugged and let her have her fun.

When she was done, Lust sat up and said, "Okay, I forgive you now!" Then she gasped happily and added, "Let's go to Lior and get married!"

Fez rolled his eyes. "For the last time: No."

Lust pouted. Oh well, it was always worth a try. At least now Fez was not as uptight as the first day they started working together.

Speaking of working together, I bet someone out there has not forgotten about Wrath and Greed and his gang and how they are getting along. Well, they threw a party that lasted all night and now they are all too wasted to remember why they were celebrating. But it had to be . . . something . . . that they were going to make a big deal about later.

Dorochet and Roa were first to regain consciousness. They were laying on the floor on top of countless broken bottles like most everyone else. "My head . . ." Roa grumbled as he sat up.

Dorochet blinked a lot, then his eyes widened when he saw a clear view of Roa. "Damn, there's blood all over you, man!"

Roa looked down at himself and, indeed, there was red stuff all over the front of his shirt. "Oh crap . . . I think I killed someone," he said as he tried his best to remember last night.

"But who would you wanna kill?"

Roa thought deeply about this question. ". . . Marta. She's got those lips too big for her face and that stupid long strand of hair that you just wanna pull off! It had to be her!"

Dorochet and Roa stared at each other in silence, then started wailing, "Marta! How could she die?"

"How could you do that to her?" Dorochet shrieked.

"I didn't mean to! I didn't know!" Roa hid his face in shame.

"Huh, wha—?" A familiar voice could be heard from behind the counter. Marta crawled into view. "Someone called . . .?"

Dorochet and Roa sighed of relief. "That was too close," Dorochet said. "So then, who did you really kill?"

Again, Roa thought deeply about this. ". . . Kimblee. He's so annoying, always reminding us to _wash our hands afterwards_ and encouraging us to use hair products—my split ends are gone!—but why the hell would I wanna smell like a girl?"

Marta rubbed her forehead then asked, "Why do you think you killed Kimblee, Roa?"

"Look at this!" Roa pointed to his shirt.

"Red wine?"

It was silent, then Dorochet asked, "So what you mean to tell us is: Roa killed Kimblee, then drank red wine?" He scratched his head. "Oh, okay, I think I can see that happening . . ."

"No, wait," Marta started. She stood up, using the counter for support, and looked around the room. "No one's dead, Kimblee's . . ." For some reason, Marta could not find the person in question. "Wow, I guess he's—wait a minute!" Marta glared down at the other two. "You idiots! Kimblee's dead body would still be here if he died! Or do you expect me to believe that his dead corpse just waltzed out of here on its own?"

"You're right!" Dorochet gasped. "He must have had some assistance! But who would be not drunk enough to successfully carry him out of here?"

Marta's gaze fell on the bundle of cuteness known as Wrath, whom was curled up next to a still unconscious Greed. "It had to be him," Marta hissed. "Greed didn't let him have a single drink last night." She grabbed a broom and gave it to Dorochet. "Wake him with this."

"But he'll kill me!" Dorochet tried to whisper. "Remember, he almost killed us all when you said you don't think Greed's his dad!"

Marta groaned. "It's because I know it's freakin' impossible! And I'll say it again: Greed isn't his father!"

Wrath suddenly awoke, shot up, and growled, "Who said that?"

The trio shrieked, ran to the other side of the room, and huddled. "We're all gonna die!" Dorochet cried. "And this is _your_ fault, Marta!"

"But I don't wanna be killed by a little boy in a speedo!" Roa wailed.

"Guys, shut up! He'll hear us!" Marta hissed.

Wrath stood up and slowly started to walk to the terrified others. "Who said that?" he repeated, swaying as he walked, his long hair hiding his face. He looked possessed.

Dorochet and Roa shoved Marta away from them and shrieked, "She did it! It's her you want!"

"Traitors!" Marta yelled. There was something funny about that word. "Traitor . . ." she quietly repeated to herself.

Wrath moved his hair aside and glared at Marta. "You'll pay for trying to deny me my only family." He raised his arm up, turned it into a sickle, and that is when Greed woke up.

"Hey, where'd Wrath go?" Greed muttered almost incoherently as he sat up and removed a piece of glass from his back.

"Daddy!" Wrath cried. He turned his arm back to normal, ran to Greed, hugged him, and cried his heart out. "That – that evil blonde boy was saying mean things to me!"

"Wha—!" Marta started.

"Damn it, Marta," Greed said. "You're not supposed to make him cry like this. He's supposed to like it here!"

"I want him dead," Wrath bluntly said.

Greed sighed. "Sorry, I can't hurt women."

Wrath stared blankly at Greed.

Marta's eye twitched as the silence just became longer and longer until she screeched, "I'm a woman! Damn it kid, how can you not tell?" She pointed to her breasts. "Aren't these enough of a dead giveaway?"

Greed hastily covered Wrath's eyes. "Marta, please, he's just a little kid." Then Greed looked around himself and was confused to see everyone else unconscious on the floor. "What the hell happened here?"

"That's what we're trying to remember," Roa said. "But I'm pretty sure Kimblee died."

Greed snorted. "No, I distinctly remember Tucker telling us he _lied_."

"Where?" Dorochet asked.

"I dunno, anywhere soft and silky—wait! I meant the other kind of lie!"

Well, now they were all just as confused as ever, even Wrath since he paid no attention to Shou Tucker last night because he is so scary-looking. "What would Kimblee lie about?" Marta asked, trying to think of something.

Greed groaned. "My head hurts too much to think. I'm gonna go out and get some more girlfriends." He headed towards the exit. "And you guys better keep Wrath entertained while I'm gone."

"What? We're not babysitters!" Marta yelled back. "Take your _son_ with you!" But Greed was already long gone.

Wrath stared up at Marta with huge, intimidating eyes. "I wanna play stuffed-animal parade."

"That sounds fun!" Dorochet and Roa gasped happily.

Marta hid her face in shame. "Too bad, kid," she muttered through clenched teeth. "We don't have any stuffed animals here."

Wrath looked around the room to see what they did have. He threw his arms up in glee. "Okay then, a chimera parade!" Then he added in a much darker tone to Marta, "Do it or I'll kill you."

As anyone could guess, it is not very fun to take orders from a little kid that could rip you to pieces in an instant. But after waking up, and after several more drinks, all the other chimeras concluded that a parade would be a fabulous idea. Except for Marta, of course. She tried her best to hold her ground, but it was not long until she too ran alongside the other drunks down the street, singing praises to Wrath.

Back at Central, while Al and Winry were looking for Denny, while Gracia and Elysia were visiting Maes at the hospital again, the Fuhrer and his "fat cousin" were actually getting something significant done. Well, okay, it was just Pride – Gluttony has been doing nothing but eating and asking, "Where's Lust? Do you know where Lust is? Why don't I know where Lust is?"

"Um, Fuhrer, is there something wrong with your cousin?" a random militant that was in his office asked.

"Yes, but ignore him," Pride answered. He looked left and right at the line of militants summoned to his office. Denny was among them. "You all know why you're here, correct?"

They all nodded mechanically, except for Denny. He was here to ask the Furher for a short vacation, but was now too intrigued about this trenches thing. It was interesting that the blueprint looked like one of those circles that . . . those people . . . draw sometimes when they perform . . . something rather. Denny was too emotionally distressed to think properly at the moment, but jeez, not even other State Alchemists took notice that the blueprint was a transmutation circle. Or maybe they did but they did not want to say anything just in case they are mistaken.

"So," the Fuhrer continued, "how long will this project take?"

Another random militant spoke: "Judging by the insane amount of people working on this, but with all the laziness and stupid mistakes most will make and coffee breaks and socializing breaks and, um, stargazing breaks . . . yeah, this is gonna take at least two full days."

Then another spoke: "We'd have more men working on this if we didn't lose contact with East Headquarters two days ago."

"What?" Pride boomed. He stood up from his chair and banged a fist on his desk. "Why hasn't anyone told me earlier?"

"Didn't your secretary—"

"Never mind her. Now tell me: was this before or after our troops retreated from Lior?"

_Ooh, how dramatic!_ Denny's mind squealed. He was really getting into this now.

The other militant was becoming frightened. "A – after, yeah! They did retreat, went straight to East to rest, and, and we haven't heard from them since then. But no one has given orders to investigate . . . Shall we—?"

Pride calmed down. "No, that'd be a waste of time. The only thing the military should worry about right now is to finish this project as soon as possible. Get out of here, now, all of you."

All the others scurried out the door, taking Denny along with them. "Close the door, Gluttony," Pride ordered when they were out of earshot. Gluttony did as he was told. "Finally, something you're good at either than eating and bugging the crap out of me."

"So now you can tell me where Lust is?" Gluttony asked innocently.

Pride groaned. "I told you already: she's busy trying to make a homicidal foreigner make love to her. So forget her, along with Sloth and Envy and any other homunculus out there wasting their sweet time being idiots."

Then the phone rang. Gluttony was delighted to pick it up. "She's busy trying to make a homicidal foreigner make love to her!" he repeated, somehow seeing that statement as a proper greeting. Pride slapped his forehead. Then there was silence as the person on the other line spoke. Then Gluttony screamed and threw the phone to Pride. "It's her, it's her!" he wailed as he ran to a corner and cried.

_Her? No, it can't be . . ._ Pride slowly held the phone up to himself and asked, "Who is this?"

"What has caused the delay, Pride?" It was Dante. And she was pissed. And it was one of those rare moments where Pride worried he would suddenly shriek like a woman.

"Dante . . ."

". . . I'm happy that you remember my name, but are you going to answer me or not?"

"Oh! Um, well, you see, several things caused the delay. The Full Metal Alchemist failed to decipher the notes, those God-awful fairy tales are coming true, and now it's just me and Gluttony working on making the stone."

There was a long pause. "You've got to be fuckin' kidding me. _Fairy tales_, Pride? Even ask Gluttony—they have never been a serious problem. A hundred years ago, the same thing happened, and it was all resolved in a day."

"Well, there wasn't a man named Jean Havoc a hundred years ago."

"Hm, that's a broad statement. I'm sure there was—"

"That wasn't my point. All the gossiping women say _this_ Jean Havoc is completely helpless when it comes to romantic relationships. Roy Mustang and his subordinates have been on his case since day one and have yet to make any improvements. I'm sure by now most fairy tale curses are roaming the streets. It's a matter of days before we're all screwed."

Dante sighed. "What a pointless conversation. You lazy homunculi should have made a large enough philosopher's stone by now. And no one would have to worry about fairy tales – the stone could wipe them out," she said matter-of-factly.

"But . . . wipe out the curses, or those who are cursed?"

"Does it matter? And since you delayed so long, I expect a colossal stone. We're probably going to need a lot now anyway."

Pride had full confidence in his answer: "Of course, you can count on that. I'll be using all of Central for that."

Dante chuckled. "That's a good boy." Then she hung up.

Pride put the phone in its place and sighed heavily. "That reminds me . . . Archer said the Crimson Alchemist is _basically_ with them. That kinda translates to: no, not really; just felt like being an asshole so I'll cal you back later as soon as he's _literally_ with us. Damn it, is everyone really that unreliable?" Pride glanced over at Gluttony. He was curled up in a ball and gently rocking himself. That pretty much answered Pride's question.

Pride started fiddling with a pen. "Hm, it's a little sad how Havoc's friends are trying so hard to wake him. No wait, it's not sad. Just a big waste of time."

_Havoc's friends are trying so hard to wake him. _Ha.

* * *

Jean Havoc – unchanged 

Aztec Goddess: Hm, looks like things might get ugly . . . besides Dante.


	19. Why Eavesdropping Sucks

Aztec Goddess: (dazed) Whoa, I'm like, whoa. I did not even know what day this is. Ah, this is what summer vacation does to me.

Timeline: Now it is after the two previous chapters.

* * *

Why Eavesdropping Sucks

It must have been quite an interesting sight for the neighbors. No one was home so the door was locked, leaving Sloth, Envy, Ed, and an unconscious Clara trying to find a way to break into the house. Sloth was keeping an eye on Clara, so she told Ed and Envy to figure this out on their own. She also added, "Remember, you two will be spending the rest of your lives together, so you'll need to learn how to work together, too!"

Ed and Envy grumbled some profanity, but complied nonetheless. They immediately saw that a front narrow window was slightly opened, so that was their first option. Naturally, Envy opened the window as far as it would go, grabbed Ed, and shoved him halfway into the house.

Sloth paid no mind to any of them for a while. Those trenches that seemed to suddenly appear while they were gone were a bit distracting. _Damn it,_ she thought. _Pride was being serious about this!_

"Arg! What the hell's your problem?" Ed hissed. He was stuck now; the window was somehow too small for his ass to go through.

Envy scratched his head. "Damn, you _looked_ small enough."

Ed flailed his arms and legs around and ranted, "WHO'S SO SMALL HE CAN'T EVEN FIT THROUGH THIS WINDOW – wait that doesn't make sense . . ." Ed thought for a moment. "Hey, can't you turn into a spider or something and get into the house that way?"

Envy really had nothing to say, but he opened his big mouth anyway: "Quit complicating things! It's bad enough I'm stuck with you!" He took a couple steps back. "Okay, on the count of three, I'll tackle you and that should be enough to get you all the way through the window."

"Won't that break the window, too?"

Envy shrugged. "We'll have to wait and see." He took a couple more steps back, started running, and was thrown off track when Sloth attacked him, shooting water at him with one hand. "Ah!"

Sloth sighed. "Sorry Envy, but you're not allowed to ram yourself into my son's ass just yet."

"Don't put it _that_ way!" Ed whined. "And he'll _never_—"

"Shut up, son." Sloth went up to Ed and pulled him out of the window. "So much for you two working together," she grumbled as she momentarily turned to water to enter through the window. Then she opened the front door from inside and ordered, "Envy, bring that 'doctor' inside and help Ed to his room, too." She walked past them and kept on going.

"Hey, where'd you think you're going?" Envy called out.

"I have a dumbass Fuhrer to talk to." And so Sloth left to HQ, but not before quickly turning back and adding: "Don't get too excited that you're left unsupervised!" Envy feigned to chase after her with a clenched fist, so she started running away, laughing evilly.

Envy narrowed his eyes. "I'll get back at you somehow, Sloth." But it was not long before he followed his orders; he dragged Clara and left her on the living room floor, then told Ed to get his own ass up to his room.

"Gladly!" Ed shot back. He stormed over to the stairs, but when he started to walk up, he felt dizzy. Then he fell to his knees and breathed deeply to try to regain stamina.

"What, you're tired already?" Envy mocked. "C'mon, that was only like two and a half steps!" He easily beat Ed up the stairs and stared down at him with arms crossed.

"It's not my fault!" Ed clenched his fist on the hand rail and shakily got back up. "I . . . feel like crap." He swayed from side to side and almost fell over but Envy grabbed him.

Envy scoffed. "If you're doing this on purpose—"

"I'm still sick, remember!" Ed yelled, then scratched his throat. "Damn, how freakin' long can chicken pox last?"

"Um, a couple weeks," Envy replied nonchalantly. Then his eyes widened. "Hey, so when the hell do you think you'll work on making the philosopher's stone? I'm supposed to beat Lust in this! She's probably way ahead of me by now!" . . . Well, last time we checked, Lust had lost Zolf again and was busy stealing food for Fez and herself. Not much of an accomplishment right there either.

"So that's all you want from me?" Ed said. "So selfish!"

"Of course! Here, lemme help—" Envy threw Ed over his shoulder and headed to his room. Then he continued, "At least I'm not a pervert like yo momma!"

"Don't be talking about my momma!" Ed shrieked. He flailed his arms and legs like before.

"I say what I want! Yo momma's so dead, she turns to water when you throw a rock at her!" He plopped Ed onto his bed and smiled as a challenge to beat what he said.

Ed pouted. But then he replied in a snotty tone, "At least _my_ mom loves me." At least he assumed so.

Envy was taken aback. He receded and replied, "You . . . you went too far right there."

Now Ed was taken aback. He had just offended Envy, but the cross dresser was not pissed off this time. "Dude . . ." Ed started.

"Forget it," Envy quickly said and he turned his back at Ed. "You've disappointed me way too many times already." Ed sniffled. "No, don't give me your pity!"

"I'm not . . ." Ed replied, rubbing his nose.

Now Envy was pissed. He went right up to Ed and punched him really hard on his arm. "What was _that_ for?" Ed whined, now rubbing his arm.

"To make me feel better. It worked!" Then Envy got serious. "It's time to cover the ground rules."

Ed stared nervously at Envy, not knowing what to expect. He knew Envy brought this up just so _he_ would benefit. . .

Meanwhile, Sloth easily made her way to Pride's office; no one knew that she officially quit her job already. She stormed into the room for a dramatic entrance, but that died down when Gluttony started squealing her name and hugged her. "Don't touch me," Sloth grumbled, trying to push the fatty away from her.

Pride gave her an odd look. "So, um . . . what the hell are you doing here?"

"What the hell am I _not_ doing here?" Sloth started. Before Pride could answer that with sarcasm, she ranted, "I told you not to turn Central into a philosopher's stone! Or did you not hear a word I said? And thanks to you, that time you dragged me out of the house, my son was kidnapped and we wasted all night looking for him – we did find him, but look at me! I'm sleep deprived!"

"Dante called." That was all that Pride said in response.

Sloth used her indoor voice. "Crap, that changes everything." She paused, then yelled, "No it doesn't! Screw her! Don't hug me, Gluttony! It feels weird."

Gluttony backed away from Sloth. "But I miss us together! Where's Lust?" He was ignored.

Pride leaned back on his chair. "Listen, I wouldn't be taking orders from Dante if I didn't know she can kick our asses blindfolded. And a traitor like you shouldn't be let off so easily, but I'm as tired as you are, so please just let me do my job and we'll all be a little less miserable."

Sloth thought for a moment. Then she finally asked the question that has been bugging her for a while: "Um, I know I'm the newcomer here, but why hasn't it ever occurred to anyone to keep out of contact with Dante and just kinda let her die on her own when she runs out of sufficient alchemic power? Won't that leave us homunculi free to do as we wish?"

Both Pride and Gluttony stared blankly at Sloth, and for an awkwardly long time it was really quiet. Then Pride simply replied, "Shut up, Sloth."

Sloth laughed a little. "You really are a dumbass! Oh, well. Either way, we need to come up with some kind of compromise."

Pride chose to ignore the insult and replied, "Very well then, if you truly believe we can find common ground."

Back at South, when Zolfy finished talking to Beatrice, he called a truce with Riza because, well, no one had a clue as to where Black Hayate was anymore. Riza had just realized this and she was worried, but the search for her doggy would have to wait because Beatrice called Roy next into the room for a private chat and all the others just had to eavesdrop. Zolf even untied Cain for this special moment.

All seven of the nosey people had their ears against the wall opposite of the side the door swings open to, showing that they are all experienced at this kind of thing. Beatrice was first to talk, going straight (haha) to the point of the conversation: "Considering my talk with Kimblee, it doesn't seem like you've complimented him recently."

"He wants compliments now?" Roy asked. "Then he should make the call first!"

Beatrice was never informed of the call Zolf needs to make to the Fuhrer, so she thought differently of Roy's words. "Why does he need to make the call first?" she asked.

"'Cause it's—it'll just be easier that way."

"Afraid to take the initiative?" Beatrice sounded far from amused. "Listen, you know what you have to do!"

"Huh?"

"Tell him how you feel!"

_About the call Zolfy needs to make to the Fuhrer?_ "That'll just be awkward."

"Of course it'll be. But think of all you'll gain afterward!"

_That's right! A promotion!_ Roy was inspired. "You know what, you're right!"

Riza and Cain were dumbstruck; Sheska, Vato, Heymans, and even Zolfy were holding back giggles; and Frank could not get this stupid smile off his face.

Beatrice continued her prep talk. "So get out there Roy and follow your heart!"

"I will!" Some shuffling followed. Roy and Beatrice were getting ready to leave the room, so the snoopy seven moved away from the door. But they were talking loudly, so it was still really easy to hear what else they said.

Beatrice: "You know what you gotta do!"

The clueless Roy: "Yeah!"

Beatrice: "Say it! Make him feel pretty!"

And so the seemingly brain-dead Roy stormed out of the room and declared: "Zolf Kimblee, I love you!" Then he confusedly looked back at Beatrice and started, "Wait, wha—ah!" A squealing Zolfy jumped on top of him.

Everyone else except for Riza and Cain (they were paralyzed with dots as eye pupils and their mouths hung open) clapped and cheered for the mock couple. _I can't believe it, _Riza thought. _The others were right about him!_

Beatrice sighed happily. "Looks like my job here is done. I better – oh!" She turned to Cain. "Didn't I come here for a peculiar reason?"

Cain thought his mouth would be stuck ajar forever. "Oh no . . ." he started, finally remembering something. "Havoc! He's been alone all this time!" The others started mumbling things like _Ohhhh. That's what we forgot. I knew there was someone missing. Can you get off me now? Promise to buy me nice things._

Cain and anyone else who cared (Beatrice, Riza, Sheska, Heymans, and Vato) dashed to Jean's room. Frank dawdled so he could point and laugh at Roy. Zolf stood up and did that too. "Why are _you_ laughing?" Roy shrieked, springing upright. "I didn't, I—she tricked me!"

"I'm devastated," Zolf replied indifferently. Then he laughed again. "Did you see the look on Cainy and the blonde lady's face? That was so worth it!" He giggled all the way to Havoc's room.

Roy eventually followed the others. "How the hell'd that happen?" he asked himself. Then his eyes widened as he finally realized: "Hey, that writer lady thinks I'm gay!" (And she is no longer alone.)

The others were already at the room. Jean unsurprisingly had not moved from his spot in the middle of the floor and Black Hayate was found sleeping on the bed. He awoke as Riza picked him up and went crazy, trying to jump off her as Zolf entered a moment later.

"He's gonna attack!" Heymans shrieked, hiding behind Sheska again.

"Ew! He was on the bed I slept on!" Zolf whined.

"For the last time: he's just a puppy!" Riza snapped at them.

While Riza tried to calm her doggy down as she complained to Zolf and Heymans on how mean they were being to him, Cain explained to Beatrice the little predicament in front of them.

"You see," Cain said, motioning towards Jean, "he's stuck like this until someone wakes him up with a kiss. And since you said you're a childhood friend, I thought maybe—"

"Oh, like Sleeping Beauty," Beatrice interrupted. She smiled weakly at Cain. "Sorry. I can't be his—the man I love is my husband!"

Cain blinked blankly at Beatrice for a while. "You're married?" Beatrice nodded. "So there's no chance . . .?" Beatrice shook her head.

Frank was intrigued. "But you looked pretty happy remembering this guy," he pointed out.

"Of course! Retelling parts of his past is quite amusing!" Beatrice sighed happily. "Like when he wanted to be a model so he tried on his mother's clothes and—"

"Slow down! I need a pen and paper!" Frank replied, glancing around the room.

"Archer, don't!" Cain pleaded. Then he turned back to Beatrice. "Sorry we wasted so much of your time."

"No don't apologize, it's completely alright!" Beatrice replied. "Thanks to you I have much more material for my new play, I'll—"

Roy barged into the room and he had his eyes on Beatrice. "I have to make one thing clear," he said as he approached her, the others moving out of his way as he walked. Then Roy's voice cracked to a frightened query, "You're not gonna use our real names in your play, right?"

"No, unless you insist," Beatrice replied.

Roy sighed of relief. "Okay. You're free to go now." Beatrice shrugged, then left. Roy looked down to the floor and saw that he was stepping on Jean's hand. "Hey, why is he still asleep?"

The others looked down at Jean. "Apparently, he never woke up," Heymans replied.

"He doesn't look so great," Zolf commented. Jean was not as pale as before, but he was a little flushed and sweating.

Cain grimaced. He crouched down and placed a hand over Jean's forehead. "He has a fever."

But fevers go away, right? Just like mechanics who are about to learn that there is no use for them anymore. . . . Actually, Winry did not get far enough to see the new Ed with her own eyes. This is how it went:

Winry and Al headed back home after they had no luck in finding Denny and they were a tad skeptical about the front door of the Hughes residence being wide open. That unconscious woman on the living room floor also seemed out of place. Winry and Al glanced at each other and crept silently into the house.

"What could have happened here?" Al whispered.

"I dunno. But nothing looks stolen," Winry whispered, sneaking over to Clara. She rolled the fake doctor over to be face-up and saw nothing particularly wrong with her. "It doesn't look like she's been attacked or anything."

"That looks like Miss Clara," Al observed. "But what is she doing here?"

Then they heard some noise coming from upstairs. It was followed by incoherent voices. "Al, stay here," Winry said. "I'll check up there first."

"You sure . . . ?" Al held Benjamin closely.

Winry nodded, pulled out a wrench, and headed up the stairs, careful to not make a sound. She looked around the hallway and tip-toed to the only closed door: the room where Ed was staying. Winry almost jumped when she heard a moan. Ed's moan. She shuffled right against the door and pressed her ear against it.

Ed moaned suggestively again and murmured, "That feels _so good_."

A soft chuckle followed. It was Envy. "You're so easy to please."

Winry felt so sick and angry, she did not notice that she completely bent her wrench. She stomped back down the stairs, not even bothering to hear any more. Al tried to ask her what happened, but Winry quickly said, "I'm going back home," and left the house.

Al and Benjamin stared up the stairs as they heard more voices. "Isn't that Brother? What's going on up there?" Al innocently wondered.

I bet you guessed it: Ed was on the bed, lying on his stomach, shirt hiked up as Envy scratched the chicken pox on his back. Ed smiled deviously. "Sloth never said _you_ couldn't scratch!"

"But this means you're gonna have to do something for me now," Envy pointed out. "And, of course, I want you to work on the philosopher's stone _and_ I'm gonna flat-out tell you what the secret ingredient is—"

"Wait, let me guess first!" Ed interrupted. "Is it something stupid like _the power of love_ or alcohol?"

"It's human flesh."

"Hey, that was gonna be my third guess!" Ed lied so he would not seem so stupid.

Then there was a knock at the door. Thinking it was Sloth, Envy moved away from Ed and threw a sheet over him. "Door's open," he said.

Al cautiously came in. "Brother? What happened? Winry looked pretty angry."

Ed and Envy glanced at each other. "We didn't see her," Ed replied.

"Oh . . . that's odd," Al mused. He shrugged it off. "So, you're alright brother? Why's Miss Clara on the floor downstairs?"

"'Cause it'd be too much effort to drag her to a bed," Envy answered matter-of-factly.

"And don't worry, Al," Ed said. "I may not feel so great right now, but we'll all be just fine."

"Yeah right," Envy mumbled, crossing his arms.

"Hm?" Al looked at Envy, and so did Ed with a pleading look, signaling Envy not to say anything about, well, anything. The last thing Ed wanted his brother to learn was that he mysteriously got human limbs back without a price and according to Sloth, he might have to marry Envy soon.

"Uh, I said _yeah_! _Right_!" Envy gave Al an unconvincing smile. Before Al could get suspicious, Envy started dragging him out of the room. "C'mon, let's make sure that doctor lady doesn't die, at least not in this house. We don't wanna make Gracia look bad!" Envy did have a point there, so Al chose to hold his questions until later.

Back at South, all the others turned to Roy to see what he would do. "You're gonna be a great brigadier general, right?" Frank mocked. "What are your orders?"

Roy looked around the room at all the other intimidating eyes. What did they expect from him? Is it his fault that Jean is still asleep and now sick? No! Was he the one who brought them here? . . . Yes. Was he the one wasting everyone's time doing the nearly impossible? . . . Yeah. And it was already made clear that he was acting like a jerk and yeah, he was being very unhelpful. Time to change things around. Roy cleared his throat and said, "Kimblee, come with me. Fury, quit leaving Havoc alone, damn it! And the rest of you, um, go find something useful to do." Roy dismissively waved an arm and left the room.

Zolf pursed his lips to keep from laughing. "Wish me luck, guys!" he chimed, then waltzed out of the room. Riza had to use more effort to keep Black Hayate from following him.

Heymans, Vato, and Frank giggled. "Did you hear what I heard?" Heymans asked.

"He wants Kimblee to come with him," Vato snickered.

Riza rolled her eyes. "You guys, we probably have it all wrong."

"That's right," Sheska nodded. "Maybe they just want to _talk_ first!" She giggled too, then sighed. "I'm hungry; let's go see what's left in the kitchen." Heymans, Vato, and Frank agreed, so they followed her out of the room.

During this, Cain was busying himself by fanning Jean with part of the discarded checklist. Riza interrupted him: "Um, Fury, may I ask you for a favor?"

Cain looked up. "Sure, what is it?"

"Can you please go see what the colonel and Kimblee are talking about? – I'll keep an eye on Havoc in the meantime."

Cain was stuck since he already said _sure_, so he stood up, nodded, and went off to search for the room Roy and Zolfy went into. He had a really bad feeling about this like he was just asking to hear something that would kill him inside. He walked carefully down the corridor as if rabid ninja monkeys were behind every door. Then he heard it: "You sure about this?" That was Zolf's voice. Cain sneaked closer to where the voice was coming from.

"Of course!" Roy declared. "We'll go to East City as a cover-up 'cause that place is known for its beautiful women."

Cain wanted to cover his ears. _What's this conversation going at?_

"But, wow," Zolf said. "You're so sure of yourself that he's it."

_Huh?_

"That's because if there's anyone in the world that loves Jean Havoc, it's Fury," Roy explained.

_WHAT?_

"Besides," Roy continued, "like you said, it'll work regardless of how Havoc feels since he's unconscious."

"Aw, but poor little Cainy is so sweet and innocent!" Zolf replied. "Hey, it's perfect!"

Cain heard more than enough. He walked back to Jean's room in silence. When Riza asked, "So what did you hear?" Cain replied:

"Nothing." He motioned Riza and her doggy out of the room and changed the subject, "Call me when the food's ready." He smiled weakly and closed the door behind her. Riza raised a finger to say something, but she had no clue what happened so she did not know what to say.

Now Cain was alone to face this problem in front of him. _Maybe they weren't being serious_, he hoped. He kneeled down next to Jean and laughed weakly. "Can you believe Roy? _He's the fag._" Cain covered his mouth. _Gasp! I'm getting angry again!_ He started taking deep breaths so he could think rationally.

"What does Roy know about me anyway?" Cain told himself. "Yeah, that's right. I shouldn't even be thinking—" He looked down at the poor Jean. "Quit looking so hopeless! Why am I even worrying—it's not my fault! Not my problem!"

But Cain could not help but think back on the day this happened. Riza, Sheska, and Maria were forced to kiss Jean _just in case_ and Sheska was not very familiar with him. And probably the only reason Roy did not order the guys to kiss Jean too was because _he_ did not want to. . . . So wait, would _not_ kissing Jean just in case make Cain a bad friend? _What?_ Cain's head shrieked. _Does not finding him sexually attracted make me a bad friend? This sucks! It can't be true!_

_But maybe—_

"No maybes!" Cain said aloud. He bit down on his lips and looked down at Jean again. He wiped the sweat off of Jean's brow and sighed, "That settles it."

* * *

Jean Havoc – 3 days, 8 hour, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Lookie, Jean's back in the fic! But what does this mean for sweet innocent Cain? (dun dun dun)


	20. Trying to Move Forward

Aztec Goddess: I feel guilty for being so nice to Roy for so long, so, yeah . . . (evil grin)

Timeline: Half an hour since the previous chapter has passed.

* * *

Trying to Move Forward

"Still not clean. Still not clean," Roy repeated as he scrubbed himself in the shower hard enough to leave red marks. A moment ago, he had put two and two together and realized that everyone else thought he was gay! Expect for Zolf; he was just having fun pretending since that is the Zolfy thing to do. "This proves it! They _are_ against me! But what are they planning?" Roy looked around the bathroom suspiciously but of course no one else was around.

Roy pouted. "Even if I were, y'know, I'd do better like . . ." Like whom? Heymans? Vato? _Frank_? (Roy cringed) Jean and Cain were out of the question since Roy thinks of them as an assumed couple already. "Whatever. The important thing now is to prove them wrong. Oh, and to save Havoc. I think I need to tie a ribbon around Fury or something to remember that."

Roy turned off the water, threw a towel over his head to dry his hair, and that was when he realized that he did not bring any clean clothes with him. "That's what I get for thinking about others," he groaned. Left with no other options, Roy wrapped the towel around his waist, cracked open the door, looked left and right; the coast was clear, so he darted to his room.

Poor Roy thought he was safe, but when he opened his closet and all the drawers in his room, not even one miserable sock was found. "What? . . . No, don't tell me Kimblee took everything!"

Roy stormed over to Jean's room, but instead of Zolfy, he found only Cain and Jean in the room. The blond was still sound asleep and Cain had gotten a small moist towel on his forehead. "Where's Kimblee?" Roy demanded, still throwing his superior air though he was only in a towel.

Cain ignored Roy, adjusting the towel on Jean's forehead.

"What's wrong? Why won't you answer?" Roy whined. "I thought you were cool!"

"Liar!" Cain snapped; his angry face more cute than menacing. "If all you wanna do is bother me again, at least put some clothes on!"

Roy scratched his head in frustration. "I would if I had any left!" He groaned. "Freakin' Kimblee's driving me crazy. I was really nice to him, but did I get my promotion? _No_!"

Cain's expression turned blank. "Colonel—"

"Don't call me that," Roy interrupted, crossing his arms. "Seriously, how hard is it to pick up a phone and call the Fuhrer? Even a monkey with epilepsy can do that _and_ not be stupid enough to end up in prison for seven years."

Cain's eyes widened. "Maybe you should—"

"Yeah, maybe I should try that!" Roy rudely interrupted again. "Anything's more reliable than the Crimson Alchemist! And more likeable and smarter and – he's standing right behind me, isn't he?"

Cain nodded. Roy sulked. Then he slowly turned around, gave the not-so-happy Zolfy a stupid smile, shyly stroked his arm and said, "Hey, you . . ."

Zolf returned the stupid smile, clapped his hands, and Roy ran away screaming, but not before Zolf pulled off his towel, which was what he planned to do in the first place. Moments later, the most wonderful sound could be heard: Sheska's hysteric screaming. Zolf was so delighted. "Quick, get a camera!" he told Cain as he ran off to watch the scene.

This time, Cain was more than happy to follow orders. And perhaps the pictures he took were worth all the suffering Roy put everyone through the past few days. And it was so amazing to watch all the things Sheska was able to throw at Roy: a lot of chairs, counters, and even the top of the kitchen stove. All the other guys were cheering her on and eating the junk food they found. Riza, all alone and holding Black Hayate with one arm, was hiding her face and shaking her head, embarrassed for everyone.

Roy was trying to keep away from Sheska by staying on the opposite side of a dining table they were half-circling. "Sheska, put that lamp down! Please!" He grabbed the tablecloth to wrap around himself.

"Sex pervert!" Sheska shrieked. "Your nose is bleeding; that's proof!"

Roy was bewildered. "You hit me with the freakin' top of the kitchen stove!" Sheska threw the lamp at him, but he luckily dodged it. Roy quickly glanced over at the others. "Wh-why aren't you helping?" He was not able to see their responses; Sheska flipped the table over and was pursuing him again.

"I think I can forgive him now," Zolf mused.

"So what happened?" Frank asked.

"He _really_ doesn't wanna be on the bottom."

The other guys except for Cain since he knew the truth went, "_Ooooh_."

"Seriously," Riza groaned, "someone should do . . ._ something_!"

"Nah, let Sheska tire herself out," Heymans replied.

"Yep, someone's gonna sleep well tonight!" Vato added.

Sleep; once upon a time that was easy for everyone. And being forced to dig trenches does not help with that fact. Then again, not many militants in Central were actually doing their job, as expected. Denny was one of them.

The lonely guy sat, feet dangling, at the edge of a trench that some other militants had recently dug. He had an unused drill propped up next to him and a spaced-out expression on his face. A commanding officer came up to him and asked, "Hey, shouldn't you be working?"

"Can't. Too depressed," Denny replied.

"Oh, sorry." With that said, the commanding officer walked away and headed towards a group of militants sitting in a circle and getting drunk and asked them if _they_ should be working.

Denny lazily looked down and watched his feet swing around between the gravel. His mind drifted off into the events of yesterday. He finally did declare his love for Maria, but her response included the _F_ word and not in a good way! Though she did not seem very mad in the end of the RPG game, Denny knew there was something wrong . . . besides him almost dying thanks to Al and his friends.

"Did _I_ do something wrong?" Denny wondered aloud. He sighed heavily. All the help he got turned out horribly each time, so now he knew that only he alone can start a better relationship with Maria. But what to say? Oh, it would be so much easier to just fall into this trench and stay stuck there until death comes along.

Reluctantly, Denny stood up and got to work. No, not on these trenches crap – on looking for Maria. It would have helped if less people looked like her: short black hair and wearing a military uniform. Almost every other person Denny came across looked a lot like her from behind.

Meanwhile, not too far away, Winry was having trouble finding someone too: the ticket salesman. Pretty much the entire train station was empty. Winry was the only person in line and thought nothing of it until she broke the window with her wrench and still no one came. "What's going on here?" Winry growled angrily, dusting shards of glass off her hand. "It's still early! There's no reason for no one to be here!"

A janitor sweeping nearby heard her and replied, "Lady, all forms of transportation have been cut off since this morning. Fuhrer's orders."

Winry's face changed to confusion. "Why would he order something like that?"

"How the hell should I know?" The janitor casually kept on sweeping.

Winry was angry again. She punched a wall as hard as she could before she left the station. "But I'm not going back to _them_," she groaned, trying not to think about what she heard coming from Ed's room. There was no denying it; she had just witnessed undeniable truth that Ed is a sick, gay bastard. But now the big problem was: where the hell was she going to stay at night?

And that was when Winry spotted Denny tapping the shoulder of a random short-black-haired militant. Not surprisingly, it turned out to be a guy. Denny apologized and scurried away. Winry followed.

"Mister Denny! Wait up!" Winry called out.

Denny turned around. "Oh, it's you." He was not quite thrilled.

Winry noticed that, so she explained, "Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. None of us meant any harm, but . . ." She shrugged. "Y'know, we all have really crappy luck for some reason."

Denny smiled weakly. "You've got that right." Then he had to ask, "Say, have you seen Maria?"

Winry nodded and her eye twitched due to what she was thinking. _Yeah she was next to the house filled with evilness, and that bitch didn't help me out of that trench!_ Winry laughed nervously. "Please, follow me!" She led Denny towards the Hughes residence and was relieved to see that Maria was actually closer than that.

As soon as Denny spotted Maria – she was taking a break and chatting with a fellow militant – he hid behind Winry. "What's the matter?" Winry asked.

"I can't do this!" Denny squeaked. He started backing away. "I'm scared. I – I don't even know what to do!"

Maria obviously noticed them and she frowned when she saw Winry trying to drag Denny closer to her. _Here we go again. _She confronted them, thinking it would be best to get this over with as soon as possible. "What are you guys up to this time?" she asked, crossing her arms. "Just tell me."

Winry and Denny glanced at each other. "Um, yeah, tell her!" Winry said, shoving Denny so he would be in front of her. She took this as a chance to run off, so she did. _It's for Denny's own sake! _Winry convinced herself as she ran and found a nice tree to hide behind. She still wanted to see how Denny's little problem would play out.

"Uhh," Denny started, scratching his head. "Sorry, what is it you want me to tell you?"

"C'mon, we both know you're the one that's been putting the others up to all this," Maria replied, annoyed and advancing on Denny.

Poor Denny cowered in fear. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I mean the going to the park thing! That RPG game!" Maria's voice kept on rising and Denny kept on cowering. "And now, I, don't know what you're trying to accomplish right now, but if it's to aggravate me, you—"

"Stop! You're giving me too much credit!" Denny yelped. Maria stopped her verbal assault and Denny continued: "_I_ didn't plan any of that! Or even this right now, whatever I'm saying! The others said it was the Colonel's orders for them to do all that!"

Maria took a moment to take in all that, especially one specific word: " . . . Colonel _Mustang_?"

When Denny saw the look on Maria's face, he took a step back before he nodded.

Maria's twitching lips formed a scary smile. "If that's the case, then we must _kill_ him." Her eyes darted past Denny to a peculiar tree. "Winry, get over here."

Winry yelped a little, but she came out of hiding. "Yes, Miss Maria?" she asked, clearly terrified.

"Is it true? The Colonel set you up?" Maria tried her best to keep from sounding demented.

Winry was shaking. "Well, not _me_ directly. I know the colonel told Ed to do it, but he got sick so Al, I and this one freak agreed to do what we can in his place."

"Okay, the plan to kill Mustang still stands." Then Maria turned to Denny and her face softened. "But first thing's first: Denny, I must apologize to you for thinking you were a weird, gutless freak." She grabbed Denny's hands. "Forgive me?"

Yay for Denny! This might be the most romantic moment for him for years to come! Denny cleared his throat so his voice would not crack BUT right before he could say anything—

"DEAREST FRIENDS! I HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU AMONGST THE TURMOIL THE STREETS ARE UNDERGOING!"

Denny and Maria cringed. Winry could only watch in horror as a giant man ran up to them and swooped Denny and Maria into a backbreaking hug. It was none other than freakin' Alex Louis Armstrong. Who else would be better to destroy a potential happy moment?

Another commanding officer came along and asked, "Hey, shouldn't you guys be working?"

Denny and Maria grumbled their inaudible excuses.

"Oh, sorry," the commanding officer replied, and wondered off to somewhere else. Gee, what high quality of motivation these people have.

"I guess I should be going . . ." Winry started, waving weakly at the three in front of her. But she did not move since where the hell was she going to go? "Um, do you guys know a good, cheap hotel I—"

"Nonsense!" the scary, sparkly man boomed, letting Denny and Maria fall to the floor. He ripped off his shirt, did some poses that made an innocent child standing across the street cry, then declared, "A young lady such as yourself should always have a caring home to come back to!" He placed his arms on Denny and Maria and continued: "We shall have a sleepover at my house!"

Maria thought she was going to cry – Denny was way ahead of her on that. Winry and them seemed to have no choice. What the hell was this going to lead to?

Back at South, Zolf had been kind-hearted enough to give Roy back his other outfit (a beige shirt and dark green pants) once Sheska was through with him. They all sat at the same table, even Jean who was kinda sliding off his chair next to Cain, because Roy had some important news for all of them. "Let's start off with the most important thing," he started, "_We shall never speak of this day again._ That's an order." Most of the others snickered quietly.

"So the pictures—" Cain started.

"Once developed, they'll be burned ceremoniously." Now Roy went on to the next subject. "Through systematic examination, I have concluded that we've done nothing but waste time here. So we'll be heading to East City immediately."

"Count me out," Sheska immediately replied.

"And you can't expect her to stay here alone," Heymans said.

"True, I'll also stay," Vato added.

"There's no point in me going anywhere now," Frank said, "so I'll stay, too."

"What?" Roy squeaked. "How – why would you guys do that to me?" There was no need to answer that question.

"Don't worry, baby," Zolf said suggestively to Roy, "_I'll_ never leave you."

It was just too tempting, so Frank let out an, "Aww!"

Roy did a little angry dance. "Stop it!" he whined. "I'm trying to be serious here!" He turned to Cain. "Fury, you have no choice but to come since you're the one bringing Havoc." Then he looked at Riza, once again shaking her head and hiding her face with a hand. "Hawkeye, you're not staying too, are you?"

"No, I'll go with you guys," Riza answered with a sigh. She figured someone had to baby-sit all of them. Plus, there was another reason she had to get out of South, the same reason she was gone all day yesterday and so distracted even before that. Oh, and because she was still suspicious about things between the two alchemists sitting across from her.

"So, wait," Cain said, "you expect us to leave _right now_?"

"Of course!" Roy replied. "It's not like we have much to pack anyway, right? Oh, but _you_ do need to bring along the bag of pictures and maybe some snacks for the way over there."

Cain made another cute angry face.

"What about the checklist?" Sheska inquired.

"Oh, about that . . ." Roy started nervously. He slowly stood up from the table and walked towards the exit without facing his back at anyone. Then he darted outdoors, yelling, "I'll be waiting at the train station!"

Zolf felt the need to explain, so he told Sheska, "The checklist was completely meaningless and a total waste of time in your part and he didn't want you to know that." Then he shrugged. "But to be fair, he didn't find out until _after_ you did all that work at Central."

Everyone stared intently at Sheska, feeling that she was going to explode again, maybe look for one of those rifles they had earlier and hunt Roy down. But she calmly replied, "Oh. That's okay. He's already lost a lot of blood thanks to me, and possibly some irreversible emotional trauma and I'm happy with that."

The others glanced at one another, then Frank spoke, "I guess I'll be the one to say it: considering what we saw earlier, I'm very disappointed in you, Sheska." Heymans, Vato, and Zolf nodded in agreement.

Sheska looked down shyly at her folded hands. "I'm sorry, guys. I guess I let all my anger out earlier."

"Aw, so nothing interesting is gonna happen," Zolf said as he stood up. "I'll go get my stuff then." He looked around the floor. "But where's that stupid dog?"

Riza frowned. "Probably back on that bed you slept on."

Zolf rolled his eyes. "What the hell's wrong with your dog?"

Riza stood up and took the offensive again. She pointed an accusing finger at Zolf: "It's you! _You_ must have done something so don't blame Black Hayate!"

"Oh yeah, you know me. I'm always getting animals in the mood," Zolf retorted.

Heymans whispered, "Roy," to the others, and that was enough to keep him, Sheska, Vato, and Frank giggling. But Zolf heard this too, and yeah, he could also not help from giggling.

"Weirdoes," Riza grumbled. Then she left to Jean's room to get her doggy. Cain quickly followed to get the bag of photos.

Eventually, Zolf grabbed his own things from Jean's room after telling the others a little made-up story about him and Roy back during the Ishbal Mass – er, _War_. Eventually, the others were able to stop laughing and Riza was able to stop yelling at everyone and Black Hayate had a reunion with Zolfy's leg that was cut short with more yelling and by then, Cain was already halfway to the train station, carrying Jean and the other crap like before. But finally, thankfully, eventually, Riza, Black Hayate, Zolf, Cain and Jean met Roy at the train station. Hours later; now close to midnight.

"Guys, what took so long?" Roy whined. "It's late and I'm cold and—"

"Did you at least get the tickets?" Riza interrupted.

"No, there isn't anyone working here right now," Roy replied, as if there was nothing wrong with that.

Riza's eye twitched. "And why couldn't you just come back and tell us that earlier?"

Roy poked at his index fingers at embarrassment. "I . . . didn't want you guys to get mad at me."

"Wow," Zolf replied. "You're lucky you're cute 'cause you're freakin' stupid."

Roy started blankly at Zolf for a moment, then: "Hey, that was an insult!"

Cain was in awe. Riza slapped her forehead. Zolf patted Roy's shoulder. "It sure was." Then he walked past Roy and said, "Well, at least there's a train here. Let's see if we can use it."

It sounded like a really bad idea, but the others followed Zolf to the train nonetheless. Zolf pranced to the train engine, made his way in, and was disappointed to see someone was already there. "Aw, I wanted to be the conductor!" he whined, poking the sleeping stranger. "Hey, get out! I wanna sit there!"

"I thought you said no one else was here," Riza said to Roy.

"I didn't look _there_!" Roy defended himself.

"Then where'd you look?" The answer was simply nowhere.

"Eh, what?" the conductor mumbled, waking up. "No one's supposed to come by today!"

"But you're here," Zolf pointed out.

"Had a fight with the wife," the conductor replied.

"Oh, that's tragic. So can you get out of the way or start the train or something?"

"Nah," the conductor replied, waving an arm and shifting to get more comfortable in his seat.

"C'mon!" Roy whined. "For the military!"

"Don't care. Tired." The conductor let out a yawn.

Zolf blinked innocently at the conductor. "I'm Zolf Kimblee, if you haven't noticed."

The conductor stared wide-eyed at Zolfy and knew he was telling the truth. "Ho' shit!" He sat upright and checked out the controls in front of him. "Okay, okay. Where you all heading?"

Zolf smiled triumphantly. Riza answered, "East City."

The conductor hissed and made a face that would make you think someone poured hot soup all over his lap. "You sure about that place? Heard creepy things—"

"We don't care," Zolf interrupted and leaned over to be able to reach the controls. "So what do I press?"

"Um, it's a lot more work than it looks like. I'm gonna need help with the—"

"I'm out." Zolf hopped off the train as soon as he heard _help_.

Roy motioned to the poor, fatigued Cain. "Fury's always willing to help!"

"Wha?" Cain whined. "But my back already hurts!" After all, Jean was still heavier than him.

"No, Colonel, it's your turn to do some work," Riza declared. She led Cain with Jean to a passenger cart. Zolf later followed after giving Roy a hug and pretending to be devastated that Roy was going to do the unthinkable: _manual labor_.

While Roy stood dumbstruck and alone for a moment, he thought he figured something out: _It's clear now! All their careful planning had led to this! They're more than against me – they want me dead!_

"Hey, so you want this train moving or not?" the conductor called out. "Get your ass in the engine room!" What a sad day this must be to all colonels out there.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 3 days, 16 hour, 0 minutes

Aztec Goddess: (sigh of relief) Now I don't feel guilty anymore!


	21. Of Nightingales and Inanimate Objects

Aztec Goddess: Aw . . . this is getting harder to write. (cries) Too many conclusions to make even before the final chapter (which may still be a while away)!

Timeline: Since this chapter starts in the Armstrong residence, it overlaps with the second half of the previous chapter.

* * *

Of Nightingales and Inanimate Objects

Mr. Armstrong stroked his stupid-looking beard as he stared intently at the others presented to him, mainly Winry. The great Alex Louis Armstrong had brought them home by carrying Winry, Denny, and Maria over his shoulders. "So, young lady, you say you have no place to go?" Mr. Armstrong asked.

Winry gulped nervously and nodded. Denny and Maria were looking around the room in awe. "This place is huge!" Denny whispered. "I'm still scared."

"Same here," Maria whispered back. There was something terrifying about all the portraits of Armstrongs along the walls. They were like the Mona Lisa, eyes following you, but not really because jeez, these are just pictures.

"Very well then," Mr. Armstrong went on. "After all, our generous hospitality has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations, along with abducting co-workers for a sleepover." His son shined more than usual with pride.

"Uh, did he just say—" Denny started, but was cut short when Mrs. Armstrong and Katherine close behind her entered the room. Denny became fixated on something that made Maria nudge him hard in the gut – hard enough to make him fall over in pain.

"Sorry, arm slipped," Maria innocently said.

Winry was delighted to see that little act of malice. It was actually a big step up for Maria and Denny!

"Who are these people?" Mrs. Armstrong asked, staring chillingly at the guests.

"Dear mother and sister!" Alex (whoa, that sounds weird) declared, coming up to them and introduced the guests: "Meet Winry Rockbell from Risembool, Maria Ross, and that gentleman curled up on the floor is Denny Brosh." Winry and Maria waved timidly and Denny continued to clutch his stomach.

"They'll be spending the night here," Mr. Armstrong explained. HE turned to the guests. "Please don't mind our Katherine—"

"She can be with us!" Alex suggested, placing a hand on his sister's shoulder.

Katherine blushed. "I don't want to be the fifth wheel . . ." she replied, wiggling a little.

"Nonsense! These are kind people! They'll love your company!"

Denny opened his mouth but Maria answered to make sure he would not say something retarded, "Yes, it's fine with us!" She tried too hard to sound happy.

Before they knew it, they were all (minus the parents) sprawled on the den floor on sheets, eating junk food and starting off the night by complaining about Roy. The guests were actually a lot more comfortable than they expected.

"That stupid colonel," Maria started, angrily opening a bag of chips. "He thinks he can meddle into other people's lives just because he can start fires with his special little gloves. Ha! I know how to start fires, too!" Then it dawned on her. "I think I should burn his house down." She nodded thoughtfully at this idea.

"I've seen the colonel," Katherine mused, a stick of pocky in her mouth. "He's not very attractive; a bit scrawny. And his face is too feminine." Denny and Maria looked at her with the same thought in mind: _That is so freakin' awesome that a pretty girl thinks that!_

"He _is_ quite strange," Alex added. "Is the rumor about Jean Havoc humping his leg true?"

Both Maria and Denny nodded. "Riza was there and she admitted it," Denny answered. He stuck a mini doughnut in his mouth. "Something about mini-skirts . . ."

"What a freak," Winry commented. "Wait, Havoc is the one who fell asleep and can't wake up, right?"

"Yes," Maria replied, still angry. "And you know what? The colonel forced me to kiss him! _So, Lieutenant Maria Ross, I see you're a girl_," she mimicked Roy's voice as retarded as possible. "That was his reason! The buffet wasn't worth it . . ." She had finished the chips and ripped the crap out of the bag when she talked.

Denny sulked at the memories. "And I wasn't allowed to go. He made me take pictures of other women kissing Jean instead!"

The Armstrongs were shocked. "So _that's_ what the colonel and the others have been doing all this time?" Alex asked.

"Guess so," Denny answered. "They left to South once every single eligible woman here tried to wake Jean up."

"Really?" Katherine asked. "I didn't . . ." She blushed. "It sounded way too embarrassing. Did a lot of girls really show up?"

Denny nodded, then quirked an eyebrow. "You didn't? I guess Sheska didn't have _everyone_ on the list . . .Wow, what a waste of time that was."

"I didn't go either," Winry said.

"But that's because you don't fit the proper age group," Denny explained. "But _you_, Katherine . . ."

Alex looked at his sister, stunned. "There's a possibility you could be Havoc's true love."

Katherine turned redder than ever. "But . . . I've never even met him before! How's he like?"

Maria scoffed, now letting her anger out on Jean. "He's a constantly smoking, skirt-chasing—" Denny faked a cough; Maria realized what she was saying, so she continued, "—fine, young gentleman!" Katherine gave her a confused look. Maria smiled weakly. "No, really! You'll have to see him; we'll contact them tomorrow! I, I just need some rest."

"Oh, okay . . ." Katherine replied, still confused.

A confused look spread across Winry's face, too. "Do you guys hear that?" The others quieted down and heard soothing music. It grew louder to fill in for the others.

"It's the nightingale," Alex replied. His eyes narrowed menacingly. "He mocks our inability to locate him by singing wonderfully soothing music at night."

". . . Is that a bad thing?" Winry asked.

The Armstrongs glanced at each other. "Maybe, maybe not."

"We should really be going to sleep now," Katherine added.

The others prepared to sleep as well, but as soon as there was no more rustling from their blankets, the nightingale quickly grew louder. The Armstrongs fell asleep in minutes, already grown used to this. Winry, Denny, and Maria lay wide awake on the floor, trying to bock out the increasingly annoying noise.

"It's like there's millions of them," Winry whispered.

"I don't think I can sleep through this," Denny added.

"Fire . . ." Maria murmured. "That's the answer."

"But it'll be a very bad idea to start a fire here!"

"I'm still thinking about the colonel."

"Oh."

For about another five minutes, the three of them tried keeping their eyes shut tight, but sleep still stayed out of their reach. Maria slowly sat up and whispered, "It's in the backyard."

Denny also sat up. "We're gonna do something about it?" he asked. Maria nodded

"I wanna help, too!" Winry said.

"No, don't get up," Maria replied, getting herself up. "Things might get dangerous." She nodded at Denny again and they both crept silently to the next room and very carefully opened the back door and headed to the backyard.

There was a beautiful garden, several gazeboes, and so many trees – too many places for a bird to hide in. Its singing was magnified outdoors like a dramatic symphony, which might have been enjoyable if it was not late at night.

"Okay then." Maria looked up and narrowed her eyes at all the hiding places around them. "He's somewhere around here. I know it."

Denny closed his eyes to listen closely and he turned his head directly to his right. There was a little figure perched right on the tip of a tree. "You think that's it?"

"Throw a rock at it."

Denny was quick to comply. He searched the ground for a rock and threw it at the tree. He was off by a couple of feet. The figure fluttered its wings, but stayed put and continued to sing loudly. "I think it's a _magical_ nightingale," Denny gasped. "No bird's that loud."

Maria frowned. "Don't be ridiculous. Now if your aiming's that bad, you'll just have to climb the tree and scare it off."

Denny got nervous. He was afraid of heights. "Can't we just shoot at it? I bet that'll scare him off, too!"

"But that'll also scare the neighbors and it'll just not look good: two militants getting the cops called on them for shooting at a bird late at night." Maria had a good point right there.

"Okay," Denny sighed. He acted like he had no choice but to follow Maria's orders. And so poor Denny started his ascend up the tree and that was when the birdie flew off and rested in side of the roof.

Maria followed it closely with her eyes. "Denny, he moved. You can come down now."

"I . . . I can't!" Denny cried.

Maria took one look at him and rolled her eyes. "You're not even two feet off the ground!"

"_What?_ I'm that far up already?" Denny wailed.

The nightingale's singing could still be heard clearly from inside the house and Winry was sick of doing nothing about it already. She got up from the floor, carefully, not to wake the Armstrongs up. _CHIRP CHIRP! How the hell are they sleeping through this?_

Winry tiptoed to a window facing the backyard and came just in time to see Denny plummet two feet from the tree, shrieking for a split second, then landing on top of Maria. _Aw, how cute!_ Winry thought. _I guess it'll be better if I leave them alone._ She left the window and did some random snooping around cupboards, shelves, and the medicine cabinet before she went back to bed.

"Sorry sorry sorry sorry!" Denny continually said in a freaked-out manner to Maria, dusting her off and helping her up.

"It's alright, it's alright!" Maria replied. She lightly nudged Denny away, showing him that she was in fact perfectly alright.

Denny backed further away, turned around, and sulked. He murmured something inaudible thanks to the now extremely annoying nightingale.

"What is it?" Maria asked, now looking worried for Denny.

"I said, no wonder you'll never like me!" Denny declared. "I'm always messing up! And even if it doesn't look like my fault – like that stupid bird keeping us awake – it probably is!"

Maria pursed her lips. She held out a hand, saying, "Denny—" But that freakin' bird: _CHIIIRP!_

"SHUT UP, YOU CRAZY BASTARD!" Maria shrieked at the nightingale. Denny winced. "No, I didn't mean you!" Maria ran up to Denny and placed a hand on his shoulder before he could go anywhere.

"So then, what's your problem with me?" Denny sniffled.

"_Problem?_" Maria repeated. "Well, sure, you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, a little too sensitive and you might as well be afraid of your own shadow." Where was she going with this? She continued, "_But_ what makes you so wonderful is that if I asked you to, you'd look straight down at your own shadow and yell at it!"

Denny smiled a little. "Yeah . . . I probably would." Oddly, this conversation was making them both feel a whole lot better. Denny turned back around and his smile brightened. "Hey, that bird _did_ shut up!" The nightingale stopped singing due to heartbreak after knowing Maria did not appreciate its music.

Maria had just realized that, too. "That's great! We can finally sleep!" They both jumped and squealed with joy and hugged. But just as quickly as it happened, they both let go, embarrassed.

Maria pointed at the house as she waited for words to come to her. "I, we should be going to bed." Denny gave her a stupid smile. Maria playfully shoved him. "Don't give me that look! Reminds me of the colonel." She traced her steps back to the back door.

Denny happily followed, saying, "You can set _my_ house on fire anytime!"

Maria giggled. "Sorry, the flame hasn't officially started yet!" she teased.

Yep, it looks like things are going quite well between Denny and Maria since the others stopped "helping" them. But now let us check out the people who do need serious help: those poor souls that have entered East City in the wee hours of the morning. It was pitch black outside; none of the street lights seemed to be working.

Riza and Black Hayate were the only ones not hunched over like the others, dragging themselves along in a way that would make you think they had just ran in a marathon. "I'm tired of walking," Zolfy complained. "Roy, carry me the way Cainy carries Jean!"

"Hey, I should be the one getting a break!" Roy whined. "Being an engineer is hard when it's not for pretend!"

"Then make the blonde lady carry us! _She_ doesn't look tired."

Riza's eye twitched. "The name's Hawkeye and no, nothing could make me carry you two."

Zolf made a face. "_Hawkeye_? That's a tacky first name."

_You're one to talk. _". . . It's Riza Hawkeye," she reluctantly grumbled.

"Rizzy!" Zolfy declared like an annoying little kid.

"_What?_" Riza turned around to glare at the Crimson Alchemist. "If you call me that again—"

"Guys, look!" Cain shakily butted in, terrified at just the thought of what Zolf would do if threatened. He nodded forward since his arms were occupied by Jean. "We're . . . here?"

They all looked upwards at the spot where they were pretty sure East HQ should be. But it either got through some serious renovation or was somehow replaced by a big, scary-looking castle. It was one of those classical-style ones with a creaky black gate at the front, statues of demons all over the exterior and a lovely garden around it that seems to grow itself.

"What the hell happened here?" Roy wondered aloud. He shrugged off the creepy vibes he was getting, walked up to the gate and swung it open. The gate shrieked, making them all cringe at the pain of that sound.

"I don't think this is the right place," Riza said, looking around herself. But, nope, this had to be it; she made sure they made no wrong turns.

"Who cares?" Zolf replied, prancing up to the castle, swinging around the baggie with his book and Greed's skull, possibly the only thing he would carry around out of his own free will. "This place kicks more ass than the old Headquarters!" He let himself into the gaudy front door and his figure slipped away into more darkness.

Cain groaned, wanting nothing more than finding a place to rest. "Do we have to chase after him?" he asked.

"I say we should let him get lost and die in there on his own," Riza suggested.

Roy's eyes widened. "Wait, we can't have that! My promotion's riding on him! And that's a lot riding on _me_!" . . . Wow, Roy made it too easy right there. Cain and Riza chose to ignore that so they silently followed Roy into the castle.

Candles flickered on as soon as the door closed itself shut. Roy and Cain squealed in fear and huddled close to Riza. Black Hayate started barking at seemingly nothing. Riza groaned and moved forward to a double staircase. "Looks like this isn't going to be a fun experience, so let's just get it over with."

"Where do you think you're going?" Roy shrieked, scurrying to Riza's side.

Riza sighed. "There's probably nothing to be afraid of." She looked back at Cain and said, "If we want to find the prancing jerk, it'll be easier if we split up. Fury, you and Havoc can take the left side. The colonel and I will go right."

"Wait, we're splitting up?" Cain squeaked.

Roy thought he saw Riza's logic in this, so he agreed with it. He stood upright, regained some nerve, and declared, "Yes, it's perfect! That way you and Havoc can have some alone time—"

"I thought you wanted us to look for Kimblee," Riza pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

Realizing what he had said, Roy could think of nothing else but, "Run!" He grabbed Riza's arm and dashed through the door on the right.

Cain went livid. Mostly embarrassed or mostly angry, he could no longer tell. But he did feel like chasing after Roy if he could. Instead, he forced himself to calm down. He tossed the bag of pictures carelessly to the floor, sat Jean down at the staircase, and then stretched his back. "Urg, I feel like an old person," Cain groaned, rubbing his throbbing spine. Then he let out a yawn. Sure, he was able to take a nice nap on the train ride, but that was not close to enough.

He lied down on the staircase and rested his eyes. "Damn Roy. Now Riza's gonna know about his stupid ideas." He shifted to a more comfortable position. "No, I settled this already. After _that time_, I told myself not to let Roy get to me anymore."

"After what time?" a voice asked.

"Y'know, after I heard him talking to Kimblee—" Cain shot up and opened his eyes. "Who said that?"

"Me! Up here!" That voice was followed by several others: "Shh! Don't waste time with him!" "I have another itch." "Yeah, he talks to himself too much to be sane." "Aw, but at least he's cute!" "And he does seem to be one of us."

Cain looked everywhere around the room but saw nothing . . . nothing but candles sitting on the walls . . . with little faces etched onto the wax. And their little mouths were moving. "AHHH!" Cain shrieked like a woman, ran up the stairs, ran right into the door on the left, then he quickly opened it with shaky hands, and kept on running.

"Aw, look what you guys did!" the previous candle scolded the others.

"Like I said, he's no use to us," another candle repeated.

"That's right," another said. "Even you were able to tell that the man who came in before them is Belle."

The first candle pouted. "Whatever, man." Then there was silence.

"Ooh, anyone for another exciting game of I-spy?" a stupid candle asked.

All the others screamed, "NO!"

Riza looked curiously around the library she and Roy have found themselves into. "Did you just hear Fury scream?" she asked.

"Probably," Roy shrugged, all his attention on a funny-looking book on a shelf. It looked a little lumpy with some odd slits on it.

"So . . ." Riza started, pretending to be busy looking at other books, too. "What's this about Fury and Havoc needing to be alone?"

"Uh, so Havoc could wake up."

Riza made a face. "What, are you trying to convert them so you won't feel lonely with Kimblee?"

"Hm?" Roy grabbed the weird book. "Ah!" he hissed, dropping the book to the floor as quickly as he pulled it out of the shelf. He automatically stuck his bleeding finger in his mouth.

"That's what you get!" a voice hissed back.

Riza looked back questionably at Roy. "What was that?"

"That book bit me!" Roy pointed accusingly at the lump of literature on the floor.

Riza rolled her eyes, but then Black Hayate's leash suddenly slipped out of her grasp. "Hey! Stay! Sit!" Riza demanded, but the doggy paid no mind to her and ran off like he found something very important. She had no choice but to chase him down.

"Don't leave me alone here!" Roy shrieked. He started chasing after Riza but did not go far before a bookshelf slid itself in front of him, blocking his path. Roy shrieked again and again when he saw other bookshelves close in on him, laughing evilly.

Then one of the books declared, "That's Roy Mustang!"

"He stole my third girlfriend five years ago!" another book screamed. "ATTACK!"

The books threw themselves at poor, defenseless Roy, knocking him senseless. And he was surely unconscious after a bookshelf jumped onto him when he was down.

A book hopped over to Roy's feet. "Let's steal his socks. That'll drive him crazy!"

The other books and bookshelves cheered in agreement.

Now with Riza: she lost Black Hayate. It was simply too dark, even with a couple of candles conveniently turning themselves on as she walked past them. But she still tried calling out, "Black Hayate!" every so often. Eventually, she sighed in defeat.

She went through the first door she found, hoping it would be an empty bedroom. It did seem empty at first; just a bed and an armoire. But they were talking to each other, so Riza silently closed the door and backed away. She shuddered. "No, this isn't right," she told herself.

"What's wrong?" a candle asked her.

Riza frowned at the candle. "First of all, you shouldn't be talking. I must be going crazy." She thought about this for a moment. "Yeah, it's all in my mind. The colonel isn't gay and he isn't planning to make Fury kiss Havoc and as for the Crimson Alchemist . . ." She laughed a little and shrugged. "He died seven years ago! It was in the news!"

"Nuh-uh!" the candle argued. "All the others are saying Zolf Kimblee's here and he's alive and well! And he's the one that's gonna break the curse on us! As for your gay friends . . . I'm not gonna get involved with that."

Riza glared at her new enemy. "I'm not going to take crap from a candle." She outstretched her arm and reached for the candle.

"What are you gonna do?" the candle asked, only a little nervous.

"Squish you." Riza nearly had her fingers curled around the candle, but then, "Uhn—!" A knight's armor crept up behind her and hit her upside the head with the hilt of his sword. Riza fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Thanks, Phil!" the candle chirped.

The armor saluted, then went back to his post.

If you wondered what happened to Cain, he kept on running aimlessly until he ran into a row of knight's armor. They yelled at him for not being more careful, so Cain lost consciousness due to overwhelming hysteria. That leaves Zolfy as the only person there who had a pleasant night's sleep on a big, comfy bed.

Morning came. Sometime around nine a.m. the curtains opened up and sunlight flooded into the room. Zolf shifted under the covers, and a tray cart with a teapot and teacup waited for him on the side of his bed. "Eh, what time is it?" Zolf grumbled.

"You said you'd wake up sometime around nine," the teapot replied. "So, yeah, don't you think it's a bit late? All the people that came in after you are still out cold. Would you like us to do anything to them?"

Zolf sat up and stretched. "Nah, it's okay. I'm happy with them being lost and scared shitless. Unless . . . if you can, try to tie the dog up outside."

"We'll see what we can do. Would you like some tea?"

"No thank you," Zolf replied, rubbing his eyes.

The teacup sighed of relief.

Zolf took a good look at the teacup. It was chipped, just like the one in his story! "Hello, Chip!" He poked the teacup on its handle, which also represented its nose.

"Um, the name's Geoffrey," the teacup replied. His voice was that of a man's, not a little kid.

"Whatever, Chip." Then Zolf looked at the teapot. "Mrs. Potts, where's that room with the magical rose and mirror?"

The teapot just stared for a moment, then realized Zolf was talking to her. "Oh! You mean the Beast's room? I, I suppose we can take you there, seeing we haven't found the Beast yet." The tray cart started moving on its own out of the room. Zolfy followed, leaving the coat hanger to make his bed.

Yep, there was no doubt about it. East HQ had turned into the castle from _Beauty and the Beast_ and the objects that would naturally be inanimate were most likely the militants that were hanging around during that time. And just like all of them, Zolf knew he had to be the one to _break the curse_ . . . but frankly, he liked things this way. How often does someone get so many servants like this? These cursed militants did everything Zolfy wanted them to under the assumption that he would ultimately help them.

A knight armor politely opened the door for Zolfy and he let himself in the Beast's room. Every detail except one fit perfectly. The furniture and curtains were all torn, a small table stood in the middle with the rose behind glass and a hand mirror lying next to it, but there was no tattered picture anywhere of the Beast.

Zolf paid no mind to the dangerously half-wilted rose and went straight to grab the mirror. "Hmm," he wondered aloud. "What don't I know and _want_ to know? . . . Ah, yes. Show me _The Little Mermaid_," he ordered the mirror.

An image of Ed sleeping in an uncomfortable-looking position on his bed appeared on the mirror. He was snoring, drooling, scratching his stomach and the chicken pox only made him look crappier. Zolf snorted. "You call _that_ a princess? Then again, at least he isn't horribly old like Franky. Heh, he isn't gonna find a prince."

'Mrs. Potts' coughed to interrupt Zolf's thoughts. "Excuse me, but may you please ask for the Beast? Before the rose completely dies? You know what'll happen if the last petal—"

"Yeah, I know. You'll all be screwed like this forever," Zolf replied nonchalantly. ". . . But I _am_ curious. Show me the Beast."

The mirror showed Zolfy's worst nightmare. What made it so bad that _he_ was here in this castle, walking in circles, stopping to chew on his leg: Black Hayate. "No freakin' way," Zolf grumbled.

"It can't be too bad, right?" 'Chip' asked.

Zolf showed the teapot and teacup the mirror. They both made hurt faces like they literally felt there was no way Zolf would break the curse now.

"Oh, well. Screw that," Zolf said. Then he thought for a moment. "What else is there? Jasmine? I'm pretty sure she's that homunculus with the boobs. . . . Oh! Show me Cinderella."

The mirror presented the person who represents Cinderella: Riza Hawkeye still lying unconscious on the floor. Zolf raised an eyebrow. "_Really_? . . . I don't see the connection. Meh." What else could Zolf ask the mirror? Then it dawned on him. The moment of truth: "Show me Sleeping Beauty's prince."

Zolf almost burst out laughing. But then he took another look at the mirror, and he just let it all out. "HAHAHA! What the hell! Oh man, that's freakin' sweet!"

The truth made Zolfy one very happy princess.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 4 days, 1 hour, 45 minutes

Aztec Goddess: (hides in shame again) What? Look at this! I barely fit it two parts in this chapter! (sighs) At least this is somewhat getting somewhere.


	22. What Makes a Family Work

Aztec Goddess: (groans) More characters near the end here . . . Aw, well, this is my own damn fault.

Timeline: No time has passed since the previous chapter.

* * *

What Makes a Family Work

Like Zolfy, everyone at South HQ slept wonderfully thanks to all the sweet dreams about Roy getting brawled, maimed, and whatnot. And knowing he was not around to wake them up early for something stupid like cooking for him or killing a spider in his room might have been the best part. They ate all the remaining food they could find. But afterwards, they did feel the need to tidy up the battleground Sheska left everywhere, at least a little.

While the guys gathered all the broken things and Sheska scrubbed at Roy's blood on the table, there was a knock at the main entrance. Sheska wiped the sweat off her forehead and declared, "I'll get it!" She rushed to the door, perhaps expecting Beatrice to talk about the manuscript. No, it was too early for that.

Sheska did not recognize the other woman standing on the other side of the door. But she looked nice; a soft smile, very fair complexion, long flowing black hair, and a beautiful lavender dress. Without a second thought, Sheska turned the key to unlock the door and invited the stranger in. "Hello, can we be of assistance?" Sheska asked, almost forgetting to sound professional.

"You may . . ." the woman replied, stepping into the room. "Is Frank Archer here? I'm Mrs. Archer." _Wife_? No, Sheska was sure there was a family resemblance.

Frank, Heymans, and Vato entered the room simultaneously. "So who is it?" Vato asked.

"Mrs. Archer?" Sheska repeated, turning to look at them.

Frank looked a bit stunned. Heymans and Vato gawked at the stranger, utterly astounded. Heymans was first to say it. He whispered to Frank, "Dude, how come you've never mentioned your hot sister?"

Frank's eye twitched. "That's my _mom_."

Heymans backed off, now mortified. "No way she's that old!" he shrieked.

"Shh! That's rude!" Sheska hissed. But in reality, she was just as shocked as Heymans.

Mrs. Archer covered her mouth and giggled. "That's alright. I get that a lot."

If Vato knew how to bug his eyes out, he would have done it by now. ". . . You age _very_ well." _Unlike your son. _That was an understatement. Maybe it was the make-up, but Mrs. Archer actually looked a little _younger_ than her alleged son.

Mrs. Archer smiled at them, then said, "If it won't be too much trouble, I must speak with my son. Alone."

The others glance at each other, shrugged, and went back to the kitchen for cleaning. Frank motioned for his mother to sit on an overturned desk – the only thing in the room they could sit on at the moment. "Um, is everything alright back home?" Frank asked, looking pensive.

What makes a family work? Honesty. When has that ever hurt anyone?

"Oh, it's nothing like that," Mrs. Archer replied, shifting uncomfortably. "I came here to make sure _you're_ alright. You see, I've been having a lot of strange thoughts like sending an assailant to cut your torso open and put your beating heart in a little casket or kill you myself with a poison apple."

Okay, maybe it hurts a little.

Frank scooted an inch or so away from his mother. She said those things so carelessly like she was simply recounting a walk in the park. "Mom, you sure you're alright?" he said, voice a bit shaky.

Mrs. Archer smiled weakly. "Please don't take it personally, Franky. I looked these things up and they're exactly what Snow White's mother did to her. But this time, the magic mirror in my room assures me _I'm_ the fairest one of all, not you, so I don't think there could be too much to worry about, right?"

Frank just stared at his mom, mouth hanging open, for a while. "You have a magic mirror in your room?"

Mrs. Archer blinked innocently at her son. "Doesn't every woman have one?"

"I'm not . . . I wouldn't know."

Mrs. Archer gasped. "Oh! I'm sorry! All this time, I've been thinking of you as Snow White so . . . wait. How are you _her_?"

Frank rolled his eyes. "You think so, too? What would make someone think I'm a princess?"

"Well, I was Amestris' Beauty Queen for ten straight years," Mrs. Archer pointed out.

Frank slapped his forehead. "But I'm _not_ – I'm pretty damn sure I'm not!" He sighed deeply. "And even if I am this _Snow White_, does that really change anything? . . . You're not gonna try to kill me, right?"

"Goodness no!" Mrs. Archer hugged her son. "I could never do such a thing to my Franky!" She quickly let go and glared at her son. "Unless you become more beautiful than I am," she hissed.

"Yeah . . . I don't think we'll have to worry about that," Frank replied. His mother's little outbreak was nothing to be afraid of; she always got a bit touchy at the thought of someone being prettier than herself. Luckily, in their family, no one has to really worry about that.

"Yep, he's got that right," Vato said in a low voice. He, Heymans, and Sheska were in fact cleaning the kitchen, but the Archers were speaking loud and clear enough for them to hear everything. After all, besides them, the rest of HQ was dead silent.

Heymans was still in a bit of a daze. "That's his mom. His _mom_!" He shook his head in disbelief. "Damn, his dad must be really ugly."

Sheska put a finger to her lips so they could hear the rest. Mrs. Archer continued: "By the way Franky, your uncles called. They'd like you to go visit them in their new house in the woods!"

There was a delay before the question: "Since when have my uncles started living together?"

"Since four days ago, I think. About the same time they started mining for diamonds down south."

"How the hell'd all that happen!" Now Frank was freaked.

"Wow, his family's scarier than I thought," Vato commented.

"It's a Snow White thing, no?" Mrs. Archer replied. Then she gasped. "What if you still somehow get poisoned? We absolutely cannot have that! You better be extra careful until this whole thing blows over."

"Why?"

"'Cause who'd cure you? Or do you have a _prince_ I don't know about?"

"_No! _I mean . . . Okay, fine. If it'll make you happy, I won't eat apples anymore."

"Good. And I'll be staying here to make sure you keep your word!" Then she added in a childish tone, "And now Mommy's doesn't have to be worried that you don't eat or sleep well here in the military!"

"_Mom!_ I'm a grown man!" Frank whined.

Sheska, Heymans, and Vato snickered quietly.

"Nonsense! You're still my baby!" Mrs. Archer declared. "Lemme make paella for you and your little friends for lunch!"

Heymans and Vato glanced at each other. "What the hell is that?"

Stars shone in Sheska's eyes. "That's _real_ food!" she gasped. "Shrimp, lobster, rice; you actually feel full after you eat it!" Wow, maybe having another Archer around will be a whole lot better than it sounds.

Back at Central, on the streets, Sloth was fumbling her way back to the Hughes residence. Her recollection of last night was a bit fuzzy due to all the alcohol in her system, but she was pretty sure nothing worth mentioning happened.

Basically, she and Pride argued so much that it made Gluttony cry so they went to a bar to cheer him up. All was going well until Gluttony wanted to play on the pool table and asked the owner for his balls, so they got kicked out. Already a little tipsy, the three of them waltzed over to Pride's estate, had a lovely chat with his family, and after they sang Selim to sleep, Sloth knew she was too drunk to leave, so she was given a room where she drank some more until she passed out on the floor. Yet after all that, her argument with Pride about Central was still not resolved. She had to try again later, maybe after nursing her major hangover. Drinking a little more before leaving Pride's house might not have been her best decision.

Sloth pounded on the door and Envy answered. "Where the hell have you—"

"Shut up!" Sloth spat, running a hand down Envy's face, probably to keep him from talking. "You talk too much, mister lady person you."

Envy stared in amusement as Sloth swayed her way past him, then tumbled onto and off the couch so she just sat on the floor, holding her head. Envy's looked turned more perverse as a little thought crossed his mind. "You were out with Pride all night, weren't you?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Sloth mumbled. "Where are my sons? And, hey, get out of my house, Envy!"

"We're living with the Hughes family, remember?"

"Oh, yeah . . ." Sloth bobbled her head. "How are they?"

"Doctors say Maes is doing great, so his family's over there with him and they'll be coming back in a little while." Envy walked over and crouched down next to Sloth. "Al's taking his ugly duck for a walk, _the princess_ is upstairs, probably still asleep, we think Winry ran away, and you're sitting on Clara. So, where have _you_ been?"

Sloth paid no mind to Clara and replied, "I tried to get Pride to stop with this turning Central into the philosopher's stone crap, but yeah, it seems Dante's on his side and I don't even know why the hell that matters. We totally make too much of a big deal about that crazy old lady living in the forest." Sloth pondered for a moment. "Gluttony cried, we all got wasted, and . . . that's about it."

Envy raised an eyebrow at Sloth. "You're serious?"

Sloth bobbled her head again. Then she perked up and zigzagged to the stairs. "How's my little princess? Gasp! You haven't been naughty to him, have you?"

Envy followed her, groaning. "It's not gonna be like that!" he assured the drunk.

"Oh, sure," Sloth scoffed, starting her ascent up the stairs. "I know you're into bondage. Why else would you have my son tied to his bed with rope?"

"That was _you_!" Envy yelled in a high voice, storming up the stairs behind her. If Sloth's goal was just to make Envy feel embarrassed, she accomplished that quite nicely.

Sloth was disappointed when she found no rope near her still sleeping son. "It's far too late to still be in bed!" She glared accusingly at Envy. "You really tired him out, huh?" She went up to Ed and nudged him a tad violently to wake him up. Ed rolled to his side and mumbled incoherently.

"Cut the crap, Sloth," Envy said, crossing his arms. "I know I don't have to marry him."

Sloth smiled deviously at Envy. "You look awfully sure of yourself. Heh." Despite the intimidation, Envy kept his defiant stance.

Ed sat up and rubbed his eyes, then his nose. "Why'd you two have to come in here to argue?" he whined.

"'Cause you're part of this, too!" Envy spat. "If you weren't a stupid princess, we wouldn't have anything to worry about!"

"So you really _do_ think you have to be with him!" Sloth giggled. Ed and Envy gave her suspicious stares. "Okay, okay, I'll tell!" She grabbed Envy and made him sit on the bed beside Ed and declared, "I was just screwing with you guys! A children's fairy tale wouldn't be able to get you two together – you're freakin' brothers!"

What else makes a family work? Love!

Envy glared at Sloth, but Ed stared at her in horror. Sloth took a good look at her son, and then shared his look. "Oh, no. You two already had sex!"

. . . That might be a little too much love.

"No we didn't!" Ed and Envy shrieked.

"What I'm so shocked about is—" Ed pointed to Envy, "_he's_ my brother? _How_?"

Sloth rubbed her forehead. "Sheesh, one question at a time! And how do you expect me to know that Hohenheim fathered Envy with Dante?" She scooted Ed to the other side of the bed and crawled next to him and made herself comfortable. "All this explaining is making me sleepy."

"Bitch!" Envy hissed. "We're not supposed to talk about that!" But Sloth was already knocked out, sleeping like a big, drunken rock.

Ed shifted uncomfortably. "Is she . . . telling the truth?"

Envy angrily turned away. "Would it really matter?"

"Yes! So, what the hell?" Ed was fuming. "Tell me! Did that bastard cheat on my mom while they were together? Is that why he left? Is tha – ack—" Ed started coughing.

Instead of patting his back or something, Envy stood up from the bed and replied, "Don't get all dramatic. It happened hundreds of years before you were born." He started walking out. "Just worry about finding a way to make the philosopher's stone before the entire city's used."

Needless to say, Ed was left alone with a sleeping Sloth with more questions than ever. He patted his chest and breathed deeply. Thinking that he might not get any answers definitely did not help him feel better. "Mother . . ." He needed his real mommy, but this was as close as he was going to get. So he curled up close next to Sloth and closed his eyes to see if he could sleep more of the day away.

Down south again in Devil's Nest, it was close to noon when Marta woke up, shot her head up from the counter and declared, "Kimblee lied to us about going to his room! He freakin' ditched us to go back to the military!"

The others glanced nonchalantly at her. From the couch, Greed replied, "Yeah, I kinda figured that when I found my skull missing." Then he went back to talking to the slutty girl beside him bullshit about how life as a single dad is like. Wrath was curled up on his other side, acting all cute.

Marta glared at Greed, but then had to ignore him. What else could she do without ending up dead thanks to Wrath? "I can't believe it! He really doesn't care?" Her complaining was focused at Dorochet and Roa now, probably the only ones paying some mind to her.

"Well, if Kimblee's running around with Greed's weakness," Dorochet mused, "then that's a pretty good reason to stay _away_ from him."

"Yeah, face it," Roa added, "We'd probably be screwed if we try to pick a fight with him right now—we're too drunk most of the time for some reason." He opened up a fresh bottle of beer and drank half of it in one gulp.

Marta groaned. "How'd we get so pathetic?"

Then Greed came up to them along with Wrath and he had a very confused look on his face. "Guys, that girl I was talking to . . . she wants a serious relationship."

"Oh goodness no," Marta gasped sarcastically. "We can't have something like that happening."

"That's exactly what I thought." Greed nodded in agreement. "But, damn, she's so freakin' hot! Why would she want to be a _mom_?"

"I don't want a mom," Wrath protested.

It dawned on Marta. "Greed, have you even tried looking for this kid's real family? Think of how much trouble it'll be if the police finds him and thinks we abducted him or something?"

Wrath clung onto Greed's vest and pouted. "Daddy's my real family."

What else makes a family work? A family to begin with.

Greed scratched his head and sighed. ". . . There _could_ be someone out there looking for you."

"Huh?" Wrath looked a little scared now.

Marta smiled in triumph. "That's right. And if you really cared about this kid, Greed, you'd at least try to find his family."

Wrath pouted again. "You're planning something evil, mister!" he said to Marta.

"No, wait . . ." Greed said, still pondering. _Unless Dante became a sick, boy-Lolita-loving bitch, she isn't the one that brought Wrath here. So hey, there might be an alchemist out there strong enough to whoop her ass!_ Greed grabbed Wrath's hand and said, "C'mon, Wrath. Let's go see if anyone recognizes you."

Wrath was stunned. "Daddy . . ."

"Don't worry! Even if they give me a million bucks for ransom, I'm not gonna let you go! I'm just curious, is all."

Wrath was content with this reply, so he happily followed Greed out of Devil's Nest. As soon as they were out, Marta snorted. "For a million bucks, he'd not only give Wrath back, but have sex with his mom, too."

Roa finished his drink and gasped. "Guys, I think I'm remembering something." He looked around the room, then continued, "Where's Tucker?"

Another chimera across the counter replied, "You killed him the other night, remember? There was blood all over your shirt. And we're the ones that had to throw his body out into the garbage."

"I knew it!" Roa declared. He pointed at Marta. "And _you_ thought I didn't kill anyone!"

Marta said nothing in reply. She just stared at him with a bored look on her face. But then Dorochet asked, "How'd you forget it was Tucker? No one else looks like him."

"Hey, I was a little drunk," Roa replied, opening up another bottle.

Outside, Greed and Wrath went door-to-door, asking the residents if Wrath looked familiar to them. No luck so far.

"Why am I supposed to have both a daddy _and_ a mommy?" Wrath asked innocently as he skipped down the sidewalk alongside Greed.

"You're probably not old enough to hear this," Greed started, "_but_, you see, babies come from the sky and storks carry them to a family after living on a cloud for about nine months. But storks are very picky and they only deliver to a couple that's a daddy _and_ a mommy. Two daddies make storks cry and two mommies make them crash into buildings. Understand?"

"I guess that makes sense," Wrath replied. "But it's awfully rude of the storks to be so picky. What's a stork?"

Greed had no time to reply. He had already knocked on the next door and lo and behold, it was Izumi. "Have you seen this kid before?" Greed asked. "Found him on Yock Island."

Izumi gave Greed an untrusting look, then glanced down at Wrath. Gasp! Those eyes, so big; and his age . . . no, no. Izumi found herself shaking her head a lot. But he _did_ say Yock Island. "When did you find him?" Izumi asked.

"About two days ago, I think," Greed replied. "So you do . . .?" He felt Wrath shake a little and move behind him for cover.

"I wanna go back home, Daddy," Wrath said.

"Daddy?" Izumi repeated.

Greed was getting impatient. "Um, lady, do you know this kid or not?"

Izumi examined Wrath from head to toe. She placed a hand over her mouth, feeling sick. The possibility was too high. Then, "Bleh!" she hunched over and vomited blood all over her hand.

"Oh shit!" Greed shrieked as he and Wrath backed off, completely freaked out.

"Izumi!" Sig called out, running to her aid.

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" Greed defended himself, waving his arms frantically. He grabbed hold of Wrath and said, "We'll just be going—"

"No!" Izumi said through a cough. "Make them stay," she told her husband.

Sig gave the homunculi a scary look. "Come in," he demanded.

Wrath clung tightly to Greed. "I'm scared!" he cried, his arms sinking into Greed's body.

"Hey, calm down! Quick freaking out on me!" Greed shrieked, clearly more freaked out than either of them. This little mission did not turn out as great as expected. What did he seriously expect anyway?

* * *

Jean Havoc – 4 days, 5 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Now that I think about it, Dante _is_ a sick, boy-Lolita-lover! She wanted to marry Ed! Eww . . .


	23. The Art of Crossdressing Begins

Aztec Goddess: (sobs) I took forever again! Oh, but this time I can blame my summer homework (finished before school started, yay!) and other crap.

Timeline: This part starts during the previous scene at Dublith.

* * *

The Art of Cross-dressing Begins

Cain awoke to something wet running up and down his face. He quickly sat up and looked around like he was expecting something to attack him. But it was just Black Hayate. Cain sighed of relief and placed the doggy on his lap. "Got lost too, huh?" Then he grimaced and rubbed his throat with his free hand. "I don't feet so great . . ."

"Is it a sore throat from all the yelling you did last night?" a duster gliding beside him asked.

"I suppose . . ." Cain replied. Then he looked down at the duster and screamed again. Black Hayate jumped off as Cain scurried to his feet and backed away, cornering himself against a wall.

The duster sighed. "You were never this jumpy before, Fury."

Cain calmed down a little, but he kept his place against the wall. "Um, do I know you?"

"I'm Hana!" the duster replied, swooping over closer to Cain. "A radio operator too, remember?"

Cain stared blankly at the magical duster that could walk and talk on its own. "Huh?"

Hana swayed back and forth. "It's . . . kinda hard to explain if you're not into fairy tales. But word's gone around the castle that things'll go back to normal if we can get the Crimson Alchemist and Black something—"

"Black Hayate," a candle interrupted.

Black Hayate's ears shot up and he looked up to see if he could find where that voice came from.

Hana stared dumbly at the dog. "You mean _he's_ the Beast? A dog?"

"The Beast?" Cain repeated. "Like in that one fairy tale? Wait, but Kimblee hates Black Hayate and um, I don't think he'll turn into a prince . . ."

"So this dog was never human," Hana groaned. The candles and armor around them groaned, too. "Wow, this really sucks." She sighed again and glided over to another corridor, dusting the ground along her way. "I guess I'll have to get used to this life . . ."

Cain picked Black Hayate up and just watched Hana leave. To tell the truth, her name rang no bell to Cain but she did sound sincere about knowing him. "C'mon, Black Hayate, let's go find the entrance. I think I left Jean alone over there."

"Oh, don't worry about him," a knight's armor assured him. Cain jumped at the sound of the voice. "The princess told us to leave him alone, so he's fine."

"Uh, thanks, good to know," Cain replied, a bit shaky. He started retracing his steps as well as he could. _So many things don't seem right. Kimblee a princess, and Black Hayate – I'm pretty sure the Beast never tried humping Belle's arm before._ That memory came back. Zolfy's expression was so amusing. Discomfort now beat fear in the way Cain felt, but then again, he was becoming ill. Fuzzy. He did sway a little as he walked, kinda like the duster.

Simultaneously, Riza was making herself towards the entrance from the opposite direction. She held her gun out at the ready, walking slowly back down the corridor she got knocked out in. "I know you're here somewhere, bastard," she hissed at nothing in particular. "You think it's fun to strike people when their backs are turned? Show yourself!"

Something shifted in the corner of her eye. Riza quickly turned at pointed her gun at a harmless-looking armor. It stood motionless. Riza narrowed her eyes, then went on. The armor let out a small giggle but when Riza turned back around; again, it just stood there like any other inanimate object.

Riza reentered the library and could not help but notice it looked completely different. The night before, the bookshelves were arranged in a slightly maze-like manner but now they all stood facing each other, touching the walls so neither the left nor right sides of the room can be clearly seen, making the room look a hundred times smaller. Without thinking too much about this, Riza walked down the aisle the bookshelves made to the other door.

Now she knew she was close. The next room was empty as before and the only other door led to the entrance. She quickened her pace, momentarily forgetting that she was searching for the one who made her loose consciousness – _was the talking candle real then?_ – and headed down the following stairs to be reunited with Jean and Cain holding her doggy.

"Fury!" Riza gasped as she confronted Cain. "Were you here the entire time? Have you seen any other people around here? The colonel?" She had more questions but Cain interrupted.

"I really just wanna get out of here before anything really scary happens," Cain said with a pleading face.

Riza tilted her head. "Fury, you sound ill."

"No, I'm alright!" Cain assured her. He hated making people worry. "Just a sore throat and I'm hungry and I haven't come across a bathroom . . . But shouldn't we be worrying about Havoc?"

Cain was right; both he and Riza were starving and in need of relieving themselves, but they could not just leave Jean lying in the floor like that. "Okay then," Riza replied. "Let's go find a room to put Havoc in."

Meanwhile, Zolfy was checking himself out using the full-body mirror in a room he declared his own. He wore a beautiful golden dress with matching gloves – Belle's trademark outfit. "Hmm . . ." Zolf made a face, trying to adjust the top part of the dress. "But Belle had boobs . . . and wavy brown hair."

"But wearing that is the proper thing to do," Mrs. Potts told Zolf. She and Chip were as always with him on a tray cart. The only reason Zolf agreed with her in the first place was because he wanted to know how he would look in drag.

"All you need is the right accessories," the wardrobe said, opening one of her doors. "Let's see . . . I'm sure everything you need is in here." Zolf helped in search of what he needed.

"Oh no . . ." Chip muttered. "Don't tell me there just happens to be the perfect wig and some fake boobs in there."

"Hey, weirder things have happened," Mrs. Potts replied.

Chip turned himself around and closed his eyes. He did not want to see the . . . _transformation_. But when he heard Mrs. Potts and the wardrobe gasp, "_Wow_," he had to look. What Chip saw made him loose trust in anyone that looks like a female because Zolfy really did look like a freakin' woman.

But Zolf was still not satisfied with what he saw in the mirror. "I need make-up."

So Zolf ended up wasting a big part of the day trying to look like Belle while the others were still lost and confused, especially Roy. He finally awoke in the library and by the way the bookshelves shifted, there was no exit in sight for him. But that is not what bothered him.

"Gah! What the hell? Who stole my socks?" Roy shrieked as he stood up barefoot and looked around the room. He easily found his shoes next to him, but, "What kind of freak takes my sock but not my shoes?" Roy was very unhappy with putting his shoes back on his naked feet. It felt so uncomfortable and walking like this really did drive him crazy. "It feels _weird_!" he whined.

Roy kept his eyes on the floor and did his best to step lightly. When he crashed into a bookshelf that was not there before, he finally realized he was trapped. And the books he hit started yelling and cussing at him and Roy screamed and crashed into another bookshelf, this time hard enough to topple it over along with himself and several others with the domino effect. And like last time, when Roy was down, a book screamed, "ATTACK!"

But this time, Roy nimbly stumbled out of most of their way, getting only a couple blows to the head and falling onto another bookshelf again. "What the hell's your problem?" Roy shrieked at the books flying off the shelves. His response was another book at the face. Oh, if only Roy was smart enough to bring along at least one of his special little ignition gloves. Or he could try to find something to draw a transmutation circle with, but what would be the fun in that?

So, yeah, it all looked hopeless for Roy. Whatever. Let us go back to Dublith for a moment until Roy becomes smarter than a thumbtack and realizes the bookshelves are light enough to move around to his liking.

Izumi sat up on her bed and stared apprehensively at the homunculi across from her. Wrath still had his arms merged uncomfortably with Greed's torso. Sig sat at the edge of the bed. And Mason was rummaging around in another room, freaking out that he misplaced the lid that goes with Izumi's medicine bottle.

Izumi rubbed her forehead, trying to think of the easiest way to explain what the hell she thought happened. "Are . . . you familiar with homunculi?" she asked Greed.

Greed stared blankly at her. "Um, yeah, that what me and Wrath are."

Sig and Izumi shared dumbfounded expressions. "Okay, wow, I guess that makes things easier." Not quite easier to say, though. ". . . That boy you call Wrath . . . he's my—"

"Bitch! Get over here!" Mason screeched in a high voice. He was in the kitchen on top of the stove, stretching his arm as far as it could go. He found the lid, but when his finger tapped it, it rolled into a crevice in the wall. Mason thought he was going to cry.

"Sounds like Mason dropped a lid behind the stove again," Izumi sighed.

"Why do we let him handle your meds?" Sig asked.

"I—I do not know." Izumi shook her head in disappointment. "Go help him." Sig immediately stood up and left the room.

"Go with him, too," Greed whispered to Wrath.

"Why?" Wrath asked, giving Greed the puppy eyes.

"The adults need to talk. Okay?" Greed was pleading as much as Wrath was.

Wrath pouted, but slid his arms out of Greed nonetheless because he loves his 'daddy' and always obeys him. So he left the room too.

Izumi tilted her head and glared at Greed. "Why did you dismiss him?"

"'Cause I noticed he gets a little homicidal when someone says I'm not his dad," Greed replied matter-of-factly. He stared curiously at Izumi. "So _you're_ the one who made him."

"Did you plan on giving him back or not?"

Greed paced around the room, just for something to do. "No. I just wanted to know if you were a great alchemist. If so, I have a little favor to ask of you."

Izumi grunted. "You'd have to do something for me first."

Greed laughed a little. "Lady, I'm not really into someone as old—AH!" A butcher knife came flying at him. It sunk into the wall right next to Greed's face.

Izumi angrily pulled out another knife from between the cushions and started as calmly as possible: "If _my_ son is going to live with you, you better have a damn good house, a respectable mother figure in his life, and decent clothes on his back! Who the hell dressed him, huh?"

Greed was amazed. "Wait, you're expecting me to change my lifestyle?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Izumi mocked an apologetic voice. "I didn't know that you were the one who threw up every morning and ripped three inches to bring my son into this world." Greed flinched when she said _ripped_. "And did you lose half your inner body organs to bring him back as well?" Greed stood silently. "Good. So you'll fulfill your part of the deal?"

Greed regained composure. He cleared his throat and started, "After you. You see, I want this certain crazy-ass bitch dead. Last time I saw her, her name was Dante, but maybe—"

Izumi furrowed her eyebrows. "Dante, the alchemist who lives alone in the forest?"

Greed stared blankly at Izumi for a moment, then burst out laughing. "She didn't even bother changing her name? What a dumbass!" He cleared his throat again. "Yeah, that's probably her. I'd like her dead, please."

"Why?"

Greed shrugged. "'Cause I hate her. I'd do it myself, but I can't hurt women."

"No, really," Izumi replied, shaking her head. "What do you have against her? She's the one who provides me with medicine."

Greed rubbed his chin. "And you're not dead yet. Amazing. But seriously, she's crazy. All she does is whore herself around, creates a couple of homunculi like me for her own pleasure, and jumps from body to body when she gets too ugly."

Izumi almost laughed. "Are you sure we're talking about the same Dante?"

Then Wrath knocked at the door. "Daddy! I'm bored; can we go back to the bar with all your funny-looking drunk friends?"

Izumi narrowed her eyes at Greed and held up her knife again. "Don't tell me he's even _set foot_ in that Devil's Nest."

"Of course not – your son's just a compulsive liar!" Greed lied. "So, um, we've got a deal, right?"

Izumi frowned. From her point of view, Dante seemed like a normal, nice old lady . . . who lives alone in the middle of a forest . . . and always talks about how much she hates humans and such . . . and this one time, Izumi caught her killing a pig and dancing around a bonfire. Hmm. "I'll think about it," she told Greed. "I'm meeting her today anyway."

Back in East HQ, Zolfy told Mrs. Potts and Chip to take him to that huge ballroom Belle danced at in the book. They did as they were told, as usual. Zolf wandered to the center of the room, then whined, "It's too dark in here! Why are all the lights off anyway?"

"You see, the day this curse started," Mrs. Potts replied, "was the same day East city was scheduled for a rolling blackout – it's not uncommon for a city like this to get that every so often. But the curse hit _everyone_ here, including the electricians. And being turned into an inanimate object kinda messes with your mind. They screw up the entire – aw, you're not listening."

Zolf seemed quite busy amusing himself with the way his dress swished around when he twirled. "I _am_ listening!" he protested. "Tell whoever's in charge to turn on the lights. Lazy bastards."

Mrs. Potts turned to a nearby candle on the wall. "You heard him. Direct order from the princess to fix the electrical problems. Spread the word to the outside." The candle groaned in response, but did as he was told as well. He told another candle the news and so on.

"Why are we still taking orders from him?" Chip whispered to Mrs. Potts, making sure Zolf paid no mind to them.

"Because as long as there's a petal on that rose, we still have a chance on him saving us," Mrs. Potts replied.

Chip sighed. "But look at him. You think he's really gonna do something like that? Just look at him, seriously." Both turned a little so that they faced Zolfy and all they saw was a happy transvestite humming and dancing around the ballroom by himself.

"Yes, I know it's tragic," Mrs. Potts replied, "but what can we do? Nothing."

Then Zolf spoke, but to the candles: "So, where are the others now?"

"Last time we checked, the two blondes and the cute one found a vacant room," a candle replied.

"And I'm pretty sure Roy's still trapped in the library," another one added.

"No, he found the exit a minute ago," the other one replied. "He's probably—"

"What about the dog?" Zolf interrupted them.

The candles glanced at one another, then to a neighboring candle who bobbed its flame from side to side in response. "Oh . . . I guess we lost track of him."

"Then find him," Zolf replied, annoyed. Then he went back to twirling around.

Chip whispered to Mrs. Potts again. "He wants that dog dead. I just know it."

Mrs. Potts shushed him. "Don't say things like that! Bad things will happen!"

On cue, the main door to the ballroom swung open. "Anyone in _here_?" the voice asked loudly. It was Roy. He took more steps into the room, but then stopped when he saw the mysterious stranger in the golden dress. Aw, _she_ looked so cute dancing around like a little kid! But Zolf soon noticed Roy, so he stopped and just stared blankly at him for a moment. "Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked. His voice gave him away.

If Roy's jaw could literally drop and if his eyes could literally pop out of his head, there would be quite an ugly mess on the floor. "K – _Kimblee_?" he stammered.

Zolf glanced around the room. ". . . _Yeah_. Something wrong?"

Roy creased his eyebrows. "You do realize you're wearing—" Roy stopped himself there because that would have been a stupid question. "I mean, wow, you look like Belle from, what's it called—"

"Oh, no," Mrs. Potts silently muttered.

"That fairy tale. I know it—!" Roy scratched his head in deep thought.

Zolf noticed that all the candles in the room stood motionless, not even a tiny flicker from their flame. And their little eyes were wide open and alert. "Um, Roy, you shouldn't . . ."

"_Beauty and the Beast_!" Roy declared triumphantly, flailing an arm in the air. Yay for him for remembering another common fairy tale.

". . . say that in front of me," Zolf finished, then he shrugged. "Oh well, you insisted."

Roy did not look so triumphant anymore. "What? What'd I do?"

Where there should have been a silence, soft music filled the room. And the lighting magically became much better. And another one of those damned but lovely songs started.

Zolf seemed unfazed, but Roy was a little freaked out when he involuntarily walked over to the princess and held out his arm. Zolf mindlessly locked hands with Roy and placed his other on Roy's shoulder. "Wha . . ." Roy started. Before he knew it, his other arm was around Zolf's waist.

"Not so loud. It's rude to interrupt a song," Zolf told Roy in a whisper. Then their bodies just started waltzing on their own.

"Sorry?" Roy whispered back. "But what the hell . . ." He kept his eyes on his legs, wondering how something like this could be possible.

_"Tale as old as time . . . True as it can be." _Mrs. Potts was not a happy singing teapot. Chip sighed of relief since his character was not part of this song.

"Just go with it," Zolf answered, smiling because he did find this amusing. "But know this means nothing to me. I've done this before with others." Thus explaining why Greed and the chimeras were careful to not say the title of his book aloud, especially around him.

"Oh, so _princesses_ are whores?"

"Ooh, you potty mouth."

_"Barely even friends . . . Then somebody bends . . . Unexpectedly."_

Zolf laughed quietly.

"What's so funny?"

"The lyrics."

While this crime against Disney was going on, the others were in a bedroom above them. Jean laid on the bed as Cain tried to cool down his temperature with another moist towel. Riza sat idly on a chair until: "Do you hear that?"

"Hm?" Cain replied.

Riza closed her eyes. "It's . . . music, I think." She sat up and headed for the door. "I'll check it out, okay?"

"Okay . . ." Cain answered, but Riza had already left. This left him all alone with Jean again. Cain groaned. "You don't think she's on Roy and Kimblee's side, do you?" he asked the sleeping beauty. No response, of course.

But at least this gave Cain time to think. So, right now, he is accused of being Jean's prince and can only deny that without anything proving otherwise. Nice.

_But maybe— _

Cain bit down on his bottom lip. "Not again with that maybe. I said I wouldn't think about it! Grr . . ." He ruffled his hair in frustration.

Back downstairs, the song was over so they went to rest at a balcony connecting to the ballroom. The afternoon sky was bright and clear and the fresh air is always a nice break after spending so much time in a dark, cursed castle. Such a lovely setting to mess with Roy.

"Compliment me," Zolf demanded Roy, without even looking at him, just holding on to the handrail and smiling.

Roy stared blankly at the sky in front of him until he realized Zolf said something. "Huh?"

"For your promotion," Zolf replied. Roy became alert. "I was thinking; that playwright lady's right, you should compliment me."

Now Roy just stared at the transvestite beside him. _Damn it, he wants to see what he can make me do for this promotion . . . I have to be careful._ "What do you want me to say?"

Zolf pouted and turned his head away from Roy. "I can't tell you; you have to mean it!"

"Um . . . you look pretty in drag?"

Zolf crossed his arms. "That's not even convincing, and are you implying that I usually _don't_ look pretty?"

Roy panicked. "No! No, I mean . . ." _What the hell am I supposed to say now?_ He placed his hands on Zolf's shoulders and turned him so they faced each other. "Believe me, if things were a little different, we'd be on the floor somewhere over there—" Roy quickly pointed towards the ballroom. Zolf's eyes naturally wandered to that direction, and he could no longer keep a delighted smile off his face.

Roy went on like an oblivious idiot: "—And you'd be doing me any way you want!"

Zolf waved happily in the direction he was looking at. "Hi, Rizzy!"

Roy's eye pupils became dots. "_Rizzy_ . . .?" He turned his head and, yep, there she was. Riza Hawkeye, as disturbed as a child walking in on her parents, stood right at the entrance of the balcony.

"_Colonel_!" Riza gasped. Her eyes shifted back and forth between the men. "You – why's Kimblee – what the hell's your problem! Both of you!"

Roy quickly backed away from Zolfy. "It's not what it looks like!"

Zolf feigned devastation. "You'd _lie_ about something like that? And after I got all dressed up for you?" He bitch-slapped Roy, ran past Riza while covering his face, and dashed off to a safe distance where he can laugh his ass off without being heard. Both Roy and Riza had made so many priceless expressions; it was wonderful.

Oh, but this can only mean more misunderstandings and ways to waste time, things Jean Havoc can not afford for much longer . . .

* * *

Jean Havoc – 4 days, 9 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Nooo . . . school starts tomorrow for me! Why? Why on a retarded day like _Thursday_?


	24. Mommy

Aztec Goddess: I miss this . . . Oh, and if you readers are still around and forgot most of whatever the hell is going on, I have some summaries on my profile.

Timeline: Most of this takes place during the previous chapter.

* * *

Mommy

It is a rigorous escapade those faint of heart dare not attempt: the daily shopping. So many dangers appear round every aisle. Too many things to choose from – even if they are the same things. But the brands! And sales! And things you want but will never even use! Horrible, simply horrible.

Poor Denny was stuck with this mission because his mommy called and she needed a couple of things from the grocery store. Brave Maria and Winry and not-so-brave-but-talked-into-it Katherine came along, but surprisingly shopping was not the first thing of any of their minds.

They all knew something must be done – to ensure Denny and Maria's relationship, to get Winry from living with the Armstrongs, and to help Katherine get a guy. After all, she _can_ be Jean Havoc's prince. Even though she has never seen him before and how the hell do you fall in love with a sleeping stranger? Details, details.

"How can you tell which ones are good?" Denny asked Maria, intimidated, nearly frightened by the tomatoes piled in a large crate in front of him.

"You can't be afraid to touch," Maria replied as she grabbed a random tomato and held it up to her face. She sensed the funny look Denny gave her and was just about ready to throw the tomato at him from embarrassment.

"But not too hard, right?" Denny asked, trying really hard to not make it sound perverted, but that proved to be impossible. His mouth was twitching so he tried to busy himself by grabbing a random tomato and examining it.

"Yes, you don't want to hurt it," Maria said, nearly laughing and having to cover her face with her free hand. Then she started to fill their grocery basket with enough good tomatoes as quickly as possible.

Denny had a hard time not laughing too, but then he just had to ask again, "How do you know _those_ are good?" He really did want to know the clean truth, but . . .

"Well," Maria casually started, calming down. She held up one of the tomatoes she previously picked. "It's simple, actually. They're better when they're big and hard – _damn it_!" Neither of them could suppress their awkward laughter now.

"This is sad, isn't it?" Denny asked, still giggly.

"Yeah, wow. Looks like we'll have to practice grocery shopping at home."

Denny snorted, trying to hold back another laugh.

"Now how is _that_ perverted?" Maria asked. Then she sighed. "Are we ready for the next thing on the list?"

Denny looked down at the list his mommy gave him and he almost died. "We – eh . . ." He let out a nervous laugh. "Wee . . ." He laughed again. The word could not escape his lips. "Wee . . . aw, I give up!" He handed the list to Maria and he could not look at her with a straight face.

Maria raised an eyebrow at Denny, then she looked down at the list and right away she knew what was so funny. She did not even attempt to say that word. There were already going to be enough problems trying to pick out the right _weenies._

Meanwhile, at the same aisle with the fruits and vegetables, Winry and Katherine were having problems of their own. Katherine shyly busied herself by looking through the apples when she asked, "What kind of person is Mister Havoc? Is he strong like my brother?"

"Uh, sure! Of course!" Winry replied a bit too quickly. But it is not like she is lying – she would have to know the truth to do so. "And you two _do_ look like, a couple, you'll see!"

Katherine blushed. "I can't believe I agreed to do it. It's so scary, not even knowing _when_ . . ." Suddenly: "Winry, you sound like you know more about this than I do. Have you ever been in love?"

"Uh . . ." What was Winry to say? _I think, kinda, maybe. I though maybe with Ed, but I heard him having sex with another man! Damn my retarded gay-dar! I should have known when he started wearing so much leather! What about Al? He's nice, but . . . damn, face it, I suck at love._ But Winry could not admit to that, so she tried making something up: "Yeah, it's great!" she replied with too much enthusiasm. "You've heard of the Full Metal Alchemist, right? He's my boyfriend!"

Katherine tilted her head to the side. "Really? I thought he was gay."

The whole world came crashing down on Winry. Was she the only one who thought Ed was straight? This makes no sense! She should know him better than anyone else besides himself and Al . . . and Sloth and Envy seem to know a lot about him, too . . . as well as the people he works with. "So I'm not as close to him as I thought I was," Winry sadly mumbled.

"Hmm?" Katherine looked back up to Winry from the apple in her hand.

"Oh, no, it's nothing! You're right! Ed's a fag!" Winry laughed nervously. Then she took a serious tone. "And let me tell you: there's nothing more embarrassing than breaking up with your boyfriend and him suddenly turning gay right after." Winry bowed down her head in shame.

"Oh, wow, that does sound horrible," Katherine gasped. She patted Winry's shoulder to console her. "And . . . what if that happens to me?"

It seems as though apples are a bad omen, though they are filled with nutrients and sweet juiciness. Bit as the original Snow White can tell you, apples really suck, especially the poisonous ones.

Back at South HQ, Frank Archer, the current Snow White, can be synonymous to _really crappy way to die._ Sheska, Vato, and Heymans were busying themselves by trying to make the best fort in the world in the main entrance. So the two Archers were left alone in the kitchen and Mrs. Archer went a little psycho.

"Die . . . I must kill you . . . I must be the fairest one of all." Mrs. Archer went on mumbling such things as she searched through the knife drawer. She needed the perfect knife, one that would be fitting to kill the son of the most beautiful woman in the land.

"Mrph-mrph! Mrr!" Frank tried to scream through several layers of duct tape covering his mouth. His arms and legs were taped together as well, so he seemed pretty much screwed. To add insult to injury, his mother even managed to get a dress just like Snow White's on her son. Where did she get such dress? Well, it kinda appeared to her just like the magic mirror in her room.

Mrs. Archer found the knife and she slowly made her way towards her son with a crazed look in her eyes and she whispered, "Silence, princess. It will all be over soon. Isn't it wonderful? I'll be the first to break the mold of the Snow White fairy tale."

"Mrph-mrph!" Frank tried getting up, but the dress was in the way. And crawling seemed pointless – his mother would effortlessly catch up. Frank has never been so scared shitless in his life.

"Your friends were lucky, you know," Mrs. Archer chucked softly. "I couldn't get myself to poison the food – it seemed too soon. But now . . ." She raised the knife over her head.

"MISTER ARCHER!" Sheska called out, just in the nick of time. Mrs. Archer snapped out of her trance and she stared confusedly at the knife in her hand, then at her freaked-out son cowering on the floor. "Do you know where any more extra bed mattresses are kept?" Sheska continued.

Mrs. Archer carelessly let the knife fall to the floor. "Oh my . . . what happened here?" She swooped down on her knees and assisted her son on taking the duct take off, starting with the face, of course.

"Ahh . . ." Frank hissed.

"Archer?" Sheska repeated. "Can you hear me?" She made her way to the kitchen and the door almost opened before Frank shrieked:

"DON'T COME IN HERE!" Right now, the last thing Frank wanted was for someone else to see him in a dress. But Sheska came in anyway.

"What's – AHH!" Sheska screamed in horror. Thusly, the image of Frank in a dress is forever burned into her mind. What a wretched fate.

"I _told_ you. . ." Frank said, too embarrassed to continue. And as luck would have it, Heymans and Vato came running to Sheska's aid when they heard her scream. When they saw what she saw, they screamed as well.

Mrs. Archer saw this as her responsibility to explain. She cleared her throat nervously and said, "Sorry for all the trouble, but it seems as though I have tried to kill my son."

"Wow, that sucks," Heymans commented.

"Indeed." Mrs. Archer sighed. "May I ask you three a favor?" Sheska, Heymans, and Vato nodded automatically. "At my house, in my room, there is a magic mirror. All this began when it appeared, so perhaps if it's destroyed, my son will be saved . . ."

"So you want us to go to your house and destroy it?" Sheska asked.

Mrs. Archer nodded.

"Where's it at?" Heymans asked.

"The only three-story house two blocks right from here!" Frank quickly responded, pointing at the right direction. "Now get out of here! Quit looking at me!"

The other three straightened up and saluted. "Sir!" Then they raced off to their destination.

Frank got up and just after he finished unzipping the back of the dress, his mother turned to him with an evil glare. "Fool!" she laughed. "You actually got rid of your only hopes! Now to finish what I started . . ."

"Crap!" Frank hissed and he had no choice but to keep the dress on for now – there was no time to take it off – he had to start running for dear life!

Mrs. Archer picked the knife up from the floor and pursued her son with such speed that she could not possibly be as old as she said. "Don't think about running out of this place!" she yelled out. "What would people outside think when they see Mommy killing you?" She had a point there. Frank could not let his own mommy be thrown in jail for being possessed so he made a quick, clumsy turn away from the door and he headed towards the other rooms. All he had to do was keep away from his mommy until the others came back. No big deal, right?

Meanwhile, somewhere in the streets of Central, two peculiar brothers wandered around in search of the Elrics. They were the Tringham brothers, tired and starving and in desperate need of some free cash. They fell short of funds for continuing their father's work and quickly found themselves buried in debt.

Russel looked down at a scrap of paper in his hand. The Hughes' address was written on it. "We're getting close," he said.

". . . You said that yesterday . . ." Fletcher trailed off, holding his growling stomach and walking as slow as a legless monkey like his brother. Then he asked, "Brother, you really think they'll give us any money?"

"Of course! Money isn't a problem for them. After all, Ed's a nice, decent person."

At the Hughes residence: "You suck!" Ed whined at Envy in a shrill voice. "I don't like you or your stupid skirt-thing and I'm _not_ going to make the philosopher's stone!" Ed took a defiant stance and glared at the homunculus across from him. Almost as soon as Ed awoke from his nap, he and Envy got into a fight in the living room as the others ignored them in the kitchen, preparing for dinner, except for Clara and Sloth, whom are still unconscious in their respective places.

"It's not _my_ fault your little brain can't think of another way to make it!" Envy yelled back. "And besides," his voice softened to sly cynicism, "you know this is awfully evil of you. Not only do you _owe_ me but what about your brother? _You_ got your full body back even though Al deserved that much more than _you_."

"Yeah , well . . ." Ed could not think of anything else to say. "Shut up! Don't judge me, you freak!"

Gracia poked her head through the kitchen door. "Food's ready!" she chimed. That was when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it; you two hurry up and finish your argument." And so Gracia waltzed over to the door while Ed and Envy tried to remember what else they wanted to yell about. "Hello, and who might you two be?" Gracia asked the Tringham brothers.

"Just go back to bed before Mommy misses you," Envy snapped in the background.

"Shut up! Shut –" Ed started coughing again.

"Russell and Fletcher Tringham," Russell replied to Gracia. 'We're friends of the Elrics and we were wondering . . ." He peered over Gracia's shoulders when he heard Ed, but caught sight of Envy making his way to the kitchen with a smile on his face instead.

"Friends? Then, please come in! We were just about to have dinner!" Gracia motioned for the brothers to enter. Fletcher practically ran inside, ignoring Ed, when he heard the word _dinner_. But Russell walked in slowly, looking a bit off.

Ed took a seat at a couch and tried to stop coughing on his own. "Gee, thanks –ka! Everyone for all your _help_!"

Gracia ignored Ed and went back to the kitchen after closing the front door. Ever since her husband came back home looking perfectly fine save a few faint spots, it was like nothing could bring her down.

Russell sat down next to Ed, oblivious of the fact that Ed really needed a glass of water or something, and asked, "Whoa, who was that hot girl?"

Ed took a sharp breath. "Gracia? She's married—" More coughs came out.

Russell's heart sank. "Really? That girl in black?"

And so this proves that shock can stop coughs because all Ed did for about a minute was stare wide-eyed at Russell in silence. Then he got a bright idea. "Oh, _that_ girl. You're in luck! She's very available but she hates me and you know what she really likes?"

"What?" Russell asked, clinging to every single one of Ed's words. "Tall guys?"

Ed's eye twitched. ". . . Yes, that too," he replied in a low voice. "But what I was gonna say was: straightforwardness. She likes guys being all over her and making her feel like a slut."

If Russell were any happier, they would have heard a _rip_. But no one here cares about Russell's pants. Anyway, once Russell stood up, and held his hand out to help Ed, he noticed something. "What the hell's wrong with your skin? And your arm . . ."

"It's called chickenpox. And it's a long story."

"Oh." Russell immediately moved away his hand and Ed plopped right back down on the couch.

"What, you never had it before either?"

"No, it's just weird touching someone with chickenpox." Russell shuddered. Then he looked happily at the kitchen door. "Now if you don't mind, watch me as I get a girl before you do!"

Ed smiled deviously. "Oh yeah, I'll enjoy watching."

Russell turned back around and gave Ed a disturbed look.

". . . That came out wrong. Ignore me!" Ed replied nervously.

Anyway, back at East City, Roy was seriously freaking out. He paced back and forth with his hands covering his mouth. "Oh crap oh crap oh crap!" he repeated. He turned to Riza. "Hawkeye, what do I do? This is my fault, isn't it? I must have led Kimblee on with my irresistible charm and good looks!"

Riza knew that the best thing to do was to turn around and walk away, but before she knew it, an automatic "What?" came out of her mouth.

"Didn't you see what happened?" Roy exclaimed, flailing his arms around. "Kimblee's fallen in love with me and he thought I loved him back which is why he put on that dress and danced with me and brought me out her to the balcony to . . . to—"

"Make love to him," Riza finished sarcastically. "Because of course he's not taking advantage of your new level of stupidity for entertainment."

Roy pondered over this. ". . . Yeah, I think so, too."

Riza sighed heavily. "Colonel, I'm sorry for having to say this, but if you get any more idiotic, you'll forget you have to breathe to live and you'll die of suffocation."

Roy stared blankly at Riza for a while. It was not like he became a dumbass on purpose; his mind was just too full of worrying over his promotion to be able to think straight. "Nonsense, Hawkeye! Nobody's that stupid. Now help me come up with a big way to make it up to Kimblee for breaking his heart!" He marched out of the balcony, stopped, and looked around. "So, which way did he go?"

"Colonel, I'll be going back to where Havoc and Fury are," Riza replied, and she started her way there. "If you ask me, I think the best thing to do is find Black Hayate so we can all leave here without the Crimson Alchemist."

Roy followed Riza with a devious smile on his face. "So Havoc and Fury are alone, eh?" Riza ignored this.

Technically, Cain and Jean were not alone because a desk lamp in the room happened to be alive. It looked over at the sleeping Jean on the bed and asked, "What the hell's wrong with him?"

Cain jumped a little, still not used to inanimate objects suddenly talking. "Oh, um, I dunno . . ." He sat on the side of the bed with nothing to do since moist towels seemed to do nothing for Jean. "Tomorrow will be the sixth day. This doesn't look good."

". . . _Sleeping Beauty_, right? We have a princess problem too, as you probably already know." The lamp tilted downward, depressed. "By midnight tonight, we cursed people will be stuck like this forever."

Cain yawned, or sighed. "Sorry . . . Man, I wish I could be helpful somehow."

That was when Riza came in with an annoyed look on her face as Roy talked nonstop behind her about how important it is for _everyone_ to keep Zolf happy. There was actually truth to this, but Roy did not know that.

Then Roy caught Cain's eyes. "Fury, you'll help me, won't you?"

Cain rolled his eyes. "What is it now?" Seriously, if anyone deserves a promotion, it is anyone who has ever been under Roy's command – no one else does more work.

Meanwhile, Zolfy was lying down on his comfy bed in his gaudy room as he watched what the others were doing through his magic mirror. "Ooh, I wonder what Roy's gonna do for me!" he giggled. "Hm, Rizzy better not ruin my fun."

"Do you want us to kill her?" Chip asked dully.

Zolf pouted. "You made that sound boring." He twirled a strand of the wavy brunette wig round his fingers as he thought of something better to do. "Show me the stupid dog," he ordered the mirror. Black Hayate appeared, sound asleep on a floor. "You can't zoom out?" Zolf whined. "Aw, so how are we gonna find him?"

"Have you decided to break the curse then?" Chip asked, feeling a little bit of hope again.

"No," Zolf quickly answered. He crawled out of bed and smoothed out the creases on his golden gown with care. "But maybe . . ."

Chip and Mrs. Potts and all the other living things in the room held their breath in anticipation.

Zolf shook his head. "Nah. But I still want to find that stupid dog before the others do." He struck a fist in the air. "Onward, everyone!"

The others groaned.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 4 days, 10 hours, 30 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Okay, I think it is safe to say that I will be here more often from this day forward!


	25. Break

Aztec Goddess: Oh my God, five more to go!

Timeline: Right after the previous chapter.

* * *

Break

Aside from Mrs. Archer now having a greater chance at killing her son, there was another flaw in her plan for the others to go to her house and break the mirror: they had no key. And no one was home. So Sheska, Heymans, and Vato kinda broke in through a window. After Sheska and Vato convinced Heymans that he should just stop complaining about the piece of glass stuck in his hand since it was his own damn fault – they could have broke the window with a rock, but _no_, Heymans had to look cool and use his fist – they commenced their search for the magic mirror.

It was a wretched journey filled with fright – everywhere they looked, there was something Archer-full. They saw pictures of Frank as a baby, a child, and in his awkward teenage years. As they approached the stairs, it all got to Heyman's head. "Wait, guys!" he called at the other two already halfway upstairs. "Is this really a good idea? I mean, this means we're saving Archer's life, so won't that make one of us his prince?"

Sheska and Vato stared wide-eyed and opened-mouth at Heymans. "Why'd you have to say something like that?" Sheska shrieked. "Why'd you turn our act of good-will into something ugly?"

"We're only doing this because it's the right thing to do," Vato said, trying to convince himself as well. "That's all there is to it. Don't think negatively, Breda!"

"Sorry . . ." Heymans apologized, rubbing his wounded hand. Feeling not the least reassured about his fears, Heymans followed the others anyway.

Sheska was ahead, so she opened the first door, slowly, so its eerie creaks rang through the house.

"Don't do that!" Heymans cried.

"I didn't mean to!" Sheska answered back. Then she flipped on the light in the room and the sight they beheld was . . . rather refreshing – nothing of Frank. Pictures and trophies and newspaper clippings all about Mrs. Archer filled the room. Okay, maybe this was still a little creepy knowing that she was _Frank's mother_.

"Holy freakin' crap!" Heymans declared when he saw the collection of pictures of Mrs. Archer in bikini contests, and naturally, he ran towards them. But Sheska cut his journey short when she grabbed on to the back of his shirt collar.

"This isn't the right room," she said.

"But maybe—"

"No, I don't think Mrs. Archer will appreciate you stealing her pictures."

Heymans pouted. "I wasn't gonna say it like that."

"Remember, she's like in her sixties!"

"Not in those pictures!"

While Sheska and Heymans argued, Vato wandered into the room like a mosquito attracted to light. But at least for a different reason. He stared in amazement at all the trophies on the shelf. "Wow, I've never seen this much gold in my life." It was so tempting to take one, just one, who would notice? There were so many, it was impossible to calculate the monetary value in your head Mrs. Archer had in trophies.

"Hey! Both of you, out!" Sheska ordered, pointing to the door. "We have a job to do, remember?"

And what a fine job they were doing. But maybe there was no need for rush. Frank had barricaded himself in a room his mommy had yet to reach. As silently as possible, he had turned the bed over on its side to block the door and he kept on adding stuff after it like the desk, chairs, and nightstands. Now he searched the closet for anything else and he came face-to-face with something so horrific, he had to cover his mouth in hopes to not make a sound. It was one of those full-body mirrors.

Frank made a face. "Damn, I really look that bad in a dress?" he whispered to himself. It seems as though this is the first time Frank has ever looked at himself in a mirror. He examined himself and the dress, twirled around a couple of times, and wondered if some stuffing would help. The he thought aloud, "Wait, what am I doing?" He shook his head and went back to looking through the closet for clothes he could wear. No luck. All he found were colorful negligees, shirts too small for him, and short shorts. So, yeah, the dress he had on was best for humanity.

"Oh, Franky!" the hysteric Mrs. Archer called out, sounding dangerously close. Frank nearly jumped out of his skin, but that would be really gross, not to mention, impossible. Still, he jumped a little from shock and hit his head on the side of the closet and he grabbed whatever he could to not fall over but he ended up taking the clothes down with him and he fell with a loud thump.

Frank sat very still on the floor with the girly clothes all over him in hopes that his mommy did not hear that, but poor Frank was so concerned with the noise he already made, he paid no mind to the full-body mirror leaning forward after he fell, and a moment later, it crashed onto the floor as well. After all that noise, Frank might as well have jumped out of his skin to save his mommy the time to kill him because she definitely knew where he was now. The doorknob suddenly rattling was proof of that.

"Open the door, Franky! It's not nice to prolong the agony!" Loud thumping sounds followed, from her hacking at the door with her knife.

Back at the Archers' house, the trio found the magic mirror, but they decided to see what it could do before they destroy it. It hung on a wall in Mrs. Archer's bedroom, with a fancy golden border and watery interior with a ghostly face floating in the center.

"So how's this work?" Heymans asked, having a staring contest with the mirror.

"You need to say that one verse . . ." Sheska replied, scratching her head, trying to see if she remembered it. "Oh! _Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?_"

"You," the mirror replied sarcastically. "Isn't that what you wanna hear? 'Cause all hell will break loose if it's not you. Isn't that right, Sheska?"

Sheska was offended. "Excuse me?"

"Did I stutter? Damn it, woman, leave me alone! Do you know how many times I have to answer to that Archer lady? And just when I thought I was getting a break. Jeez." The mirror paused. "So, aren't you gonna ask the question again so I can tell you again how _fair_ you are? Why the word_ fair_? This isn't fair."

Sheska glared at the mirror. She grabbed a lamp sitting on a nightstand and said, "Let's hurry up and destroy this thing."

"Say _what_?" the mirror shrieked.

"Yeah, wait," Vato said, holding his hands out at Sheska to calm her down. "You never know, this may be our only chance to talk to a magic mirror."

"What's so magical about a bitchy mirror?" Sheska spat.

"Your mom," the mirror replied. This only angered Sheska more, but the guys became immensely amused by the mirror.

"This thing's so cool!" Heymans declared. Then he asked the mirror, "Hey, so you know anything besides who's the fairest?"

"Well, yeah, but that's the only question I'm supposed to answer."

"Aw, why?"

"That's just how it is, man. Y'know, I have a cousin in East City that can answer _anything_, but he can't talk, so I guess that evens things out."

"Can we ask you something like what's the meaning of life?" Vato asked.

"No, nothing like that," the mirror replied.

"How 'bout . . ." Heymans started. He knew there was an important question he was forgetting and it had something to do with someone he knew. "Oh, yeah! Who's gonna wake Havoc up? You know who I'm talking about?"

The mirror thought for a moment. He got this big, stupid smile on his face. "Oh, yeah, I know who you mean. Heh, heh . . ." He went serious again. "No, I can't say it. That wouldn't be fair to other people."

Heymans grimaced. "He's not cool anymore. Go ahead, Sheska."

Vato shrugged and moved out of Sheska's way and she immediately charged at the mirror with the lamp.

"No, wait!" the mirror shrieked. "I'll tell! It's–" _CRASH_. Sheska broke the mirror in one hit, but she kept on hitting it until she made a hole in the wall.

When Sheska saw what she had done, she backed away, put the broken lamp back down, and said, "It was like this when we got here." Both Heymans and Vato nodded in agreement.

"Yes, because only burglars would break into someone's house through a window and destroy other property," Vato said.

"Yeah, let's break and steal some more things and hide them to make our story believable," Heymans said.

"Yes, let's," Sheska replied.

Well, that sucks for the Archers. But at least the mirror was broken just in the nick of time. Mrs. Archer did make it through Frank's barricade and she had him cornered with the knife coming down at him like last time when she snapped out of her trance for good this time.

"I'm so sorry, son!" Mrs. Archer cried, hugging Frank.

Frank patted his mommy's back. "It's okay, Mom. Let's just never speak of this day again. 'Cause, yeah, you kinda forced me into a dress." (Because that was the worst part of the day.)

"Oh, my. I'm sorry for that, too!" She released her hug and looked earnestly at her son. "Son, you need a break from all this chaos. Let's go home."

Meanwhile, still South, but at a forest, someone _did_ die. And no, not that stupid squirrel over there that ate too many nuts. It was an old lady and she lay facedown on the hard ground in front of her manor. A very dumbstruck Izumi stood in front of her and said to herself in disbelief, "I can't believe it. Just like that, Dante's dead." She stared down at her hands, and then at that little rock next to Dante's dead body and still could not understand the situation. What the hell happened?

_After hours of trying to reason with one another, Izumi and Greed eventually came to an agreement, but it was an 'if" statement. "If I kill Dante, then I choose whom you're going to marry," Izumi told Greed as she headed out her house towards Dante's manor._

_"What?" Greed shrieked at her. "Look at me! I'm not the type of guy who's gonna let himself be tied down to _one_ woman!" _

_"You sure? You made it sound like you really want Dante dead." _

_"I do! But . . . you're mean!" Greed whined, for lack of better words. Then he waved an arm dismissively. "Aw, whatever. You're not gonna kill her anyway." Izumi thought so as well, but she made no further comment to Greed. _

_When Dante's manor was in view, Izumi fell back to her reasoning._ Is there really a valid reason to kill her? Yes, I'd love to get to choose Wrath's mother figure, but that means there has to be a level of trust with Greed. How do I know if he'll fulfill his part of the deal? And what if he's lying about not being able to kill her himself? But what if Dante is really as evil as he says? Then I must kill her anyway! But, damn it! I don't have any facts!

_Izumi paced closer to Dante's front door._ Okay, lemme assume Dante is evil. Then, why did Greed show up now? Why not years ago? I can assume Greed's evil. But then, aw crap! He's at my house!

_While Izumi was busy thinking, Dante, who was tending to her garden in her front yard, stood up and greeted Izumi. Izumi paid no mind at first. A startled look suddenly swept her face._ Gasp! What if I'm the evil one! I mean, I'm actually considering killing a person that could be completely innocent. And there was the whole trying to kill my son thing.

_"Izumi?" Dante walked towards Izumi, clearly not getting her attention. "Are you feeling alright? You're just standing there . . ."_

I think I get it now!_ Izumi declared to herself._ Greed's a wandering priest trying to show me my wrongdoings! That solves the mystery of him wearing all black and why his companion is a little boy! _Again, a startled look swept her face. _That's my son I'm talking about!

_"Izumi!" Dante repeated. "You're starting to scare me . . . Izumi!" _

_Dante broke Izumi's train of thoughts and Izumi was not happy with that. "Shut up, woman! I'm trying to have an epiphany here!" Izumi yelled. Before she knew it, she picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at Dante. And she must have thrown it really hard because this is how the scary, all-powerful Dante died. _

Now back to the present: Izumi stared back down at her hands. Then another thought hit her: "Wait, a priest wouldn't tell me to kill some old lady!" She looked down at Dante's dead body. " . . . Now how do I make this look like an accident?"

Just then, Lyra came out through the front door. "Is everything alright out here? I heard – Ah! Dante!" She rushed down to Dante's side.

"She was like this when I got here," was Izumi's quick response.

Lyra seemed to take the situation well. "Oh, I suppose that's reasonable. It must have been her time to die – she _was_ really old." Lyra sighed. "I guess I'm unemployed again."

"Uh . . . would you like to consider the wonderful job of motherhood?"

Lyra looked at Izumi like she was crazy. "Hell no! All I care about is alchemy!"

Izumi waved a dismissive arm at Lyra. "Fine, then become whatever the hell Dante was. I'm going home." Izumi turned around and started her way back.

Lyra tilted her head in confusion. "Wait, didn't you come here for any reason at all? It's kinda hard to believe you walked all this way just to stand around for a bit."

"Yeah, well, life's full of mysteries," Izumi replied without turning back. Yeah, not suspicious at all.

Greed and Wrath were still there when Izumi came home and they were stuffing themselves with take-out food because the guys are not allowed to even attempt to cook. Izumi had a dramatic entrance with the door swinging open loudly and she declared: "I did it!"

Greed gave Izumi a suspicious look. "You're lying."

Izumi crossed her arms. "Go check for yourself. I don't see why you're so afraid of her – she was really, _really_ easy to kill." She pointed at the door. "Now get out of my house. I'll come to you when I find the perfect mother for Wrath."

"A mother?" Wrath repeated.

Izumi's face softened and she talked lovingly to Wrath. "Yes, I'm going to find the perfect mother for you. She'll love and cherish you and make sure your daddy spends a lot more time with your rather than with random whores!"

Stars shone in Wrath's eyes. He threw his arms in the air in happiness. "Yay!"

Greed was not so ecstatic. "Damn it," he muttered under his breath. This was going to be a long or deal for him, but at least it was too late today to start anything.

It was dark outside, and even darker in East City where they are still suffering from electrical problems. Aside from that, the inanimate objects were gloomy because there seemed no hope for them. Overall, everyone was having a crappy time in the castle, except for Zolfy, and no one knows about Black Hayate yet.

Riza left the others to look for her doggy alone because Roy would obviously be no help and poor Cain was stuck helping Roy to come up with something that would make Zolf happy. Jean remains on the bed, seemingly forgotten again.

"Black Hayate!" Riza called out in an empty corridor. There was less light forther down, so Riza grabbed a candle on the wall. It screamed and Riza screamed and the poor candle fell to the floor.

"Oh, yeah. That was really nice of you," the candle murmured.

"Sorry?" Riza said as she picked the candle back up. "Um, did you happen to see a dog come by?" she asked the candle awkwardly since, well, how natural can it be to talk to a living candle?

The candle pouted. "Even if I did, I wouldn't answer to such a rude person like you! You just _grabbed_ me out of nowhere! You scared the crap outta me!"

"I said sorry!" Riza protested. "But if you can't help, then, fine, I'll leave you alone." She placed the candle back where she found it.

"C'mon, just tell her," a nearby candle said. "I mean, it's so obvious."

"You know where Black Hayate is?" Riza asked.

"Meh, it's actually just a guess," the first candle said.

"But it makes sense," the other candle said. "And there aren't any of us around that room, so that explains why we haven't heard about the dog."

"Can't you just say it?" Riza said impatiently.

The first candle sighed. "Yeah. The Beast lies in the Beast's room. Duh."

"And where might that be?"

"Hey, we've helped you enough! At least figure _that_ out on your own!"

_Help? What help?_ Riza lost her patience with the candles. Without a word, she pulled out her gun and aimed it at the first candle.

The poor candle freaked. "Ah! Okay, okay! Keep going right from here, then upstairs, and go strait! Don't hurt me!"

Thus, this proves that guns are the answer to everything about negotiating with candles.

Meanwhile, Zolfy had made the connection of the Beast wanting to be in his own room as well, so he was well in the right direction. But then he got distracted. He looked down at Chip and Mrs. Potts hopping along beside him. "Guys, I'm hungry. Where's that kitchen where all the utensils sing to me?"

"Oh, no," Chip muttered.

"Um, princess," Mrs. Potts started nervously, "can't it wait 'til we get the Beast?"

"How much farther is he?" Zolf asked.

"We're standing right in front of the stairs. It can't be much longer."

Zolf looked at the stairs and pouted. "A princess shouldn't have to walk up all those steps on her own."

"Well, what do you expect us to do?" Chip asked. "Please don't say _carry me_."

"Fine, then give me some motivation."

Chip thought quickly. "You've gotta get to the Beast as soon as possible to not run out of time so you can break the curse and we'll be eternally grateful and give you money!" Zolf did not seem impressed, so Chip went on: "A car? One of those blow-up jumpy houses?" Still no response from Zolf. "Damn it, what do you want from us?"

"I dunno," Zolf replied. "I think I can get anything I want from Roy."

"What about . . ." Mrs. Potts said, "a big party?"

Zolf thought for a moment. "Hmm, I may consider that." Then they heard footsteps coming closer in a fast pace. "Who . . ." Zolf started, squinting in the location of the noise. "Oh, it's _her_."

Riza came to a halt when she saw Zolf. She glared suspiciously at him and asked, "Just what are you doing here, Kimblee?"

"What am I _not_ doing here?" Zolf replied defiantly. Then he went off a little mindlessly: "Wait, I'm supposed to say: I could be asking you the same thing."

"I'm here to get my dog so I can leave this place," Riza replied. She started towards him, looking like she was just going to walk past him like nothing.

"Hey, I'm in a dress, so I should get a head start!" Zolf whined. He started up the stairs in a pretty quick pace for a guy in a dress _and_ high heels. It makes you wonder how often he has done this before.

"Oh, no you don't!" Riza yelled, breaking into a sprint. She easily past Zolf, but did not expect him to tackle her down, so they both fell and rolled down a couple of steps. Zolf held on to the rail with both hands and kicked Riza, but she quickly regained balance and got back to her feet and counter-kicked Zolf. All the while, Chip and Mrs. Potts watched the show from a safe distance.

"Cheater! You're not supposed to get ahead of me!" Zolf whined. He scurried back up to grab Riza's legs and make her go back down. Then he ran for it. He did reach the top of the stairs before Riza, but she again counterattacked with a hard shove. Zolf got himself to fall sideways, but he heard a _crack_. He looked down and witnessed the most horrible tragedy in his life: the heel had broken of his left shoe.

Those were really fabulous shoes! Even Riza knew this and she gasped in horror at the sight. She did not want to believe that the mutilation of those innocent shoes was her own doing.

"You dirty bitch," Zolf hissed at Riza. He took off his shoes, threw them at Riza, and chased after her because by then, she was already running for dear life. "You realize what you did? I can never wear those shoes again! Just for that, I'm throwing your dog out a freakin' window!"

"Kimblee, stop!" Riza cried. "You're acting crazy – they're just shoes! I'll get you better ones, I promise!"

"_Just_ shoes, Rizzy? Who's crazy now?"

Riza kept on running straight until she found ran into a room. She slammed the door behind her and leaned on it with all her might to keep Zolf from entering after her. He rammed at the door once and Riza withstood it, but when she felt the door grow hot, she had to back away as far and as quickly as possible.

As expected, the door exploded and Zolf walked in, looking crazy-pissed. Then he took a deep breath and seemed calm already. "Okay, I feel better now. I just remembered – those weren't the only pair of shoes I found. Oh, there you are, you little bastard." Black Hayate was in the room and all that noise woke him up. He happily trotted over to Zolf.

"Ahem," Riza said to get her dog's attention. Black Hayate looked at her, wagged his tail, but went over to Zolf anyway.

Zolf picked Black Hayate up and held him as far away as his arms could stretch. "Aw, you think you're so cute, huh? You little freak. Quit wagging your tail at me!"

Chip and Mrs. Potts hopped into the room, utterly exhausted. "Damn, it sucks climbing up stairs in this body," Chip complained. Then when he and Mrs. Potts got a good look at the room, the Beast's room, they screamed in horror. Everything was either broken or thrown to the floor or out of place in some way thanks to Zolf's explosion.

"The magic rose!" Mrs. Potts shrieked.

"Where is it?" Chip shrieked, hopping over to the mess of glass and petals in the middle of the room where the little table that had the rose was thrown to its side.

Riza went over to the mess to look for it as well. She brushed aside the glass, which was once the rose's cover and he found it. She picked it up, slowly, and could only watch the disconnected petals fall to the floor one by one. Only one miserable petal remained attached to the twig.

"This is bad. Hurry up and break the curse, Princess!" Chip pleaded Zolf.

Zolf pouted. "But I don't want to!" He glared at Black Hayate. "This is all your fault. How can you expect me to say I love you, you stupid – wait, I didn't mean that!"

But it was too late for Zolf. Saying those three magical words broke the curse and a golden aura rippled through the castle and turned the inanimate objects back into human militants and brightened the colors of the walls and repaired the damages in the room, but no, Black Hayate did not turn into a handsome prince because that would be way too gay.

When Zolf saw what he had done, he groaned. "Damn it. I didn't know it was enough to just literally say so . . ."

"I'm me again!" Chip squealed with glee as he looked down at his normal body.

Zolf brightened up. "Hey, this means you guys owe me!"

Chip and Mrs. Potts hung their head low. "So what is it?" Mrs. Potts asked.

"I decided I _do_ want a party! I want this castle all fixed up for it and it'll be tomorrow!"

Chip and Mrs. Potts' jaws dropped. "Are you serious?" they both squeaked.

Riza rolled her eyes. "You love being so troublesome, don't you?"

"Hey, I'm not just thinking of myself this time!" Zolf protested. "If you've forgotten, like the bad friend you are, the Sleeping Beauty doesn't have much time left. And since I _do_ know who's gonna wake him, the only way I see it happening is with a big party!" He turned to Chip and Mrs. Potts. "So spread the word, you two! Start working!"

The duo nodded unenthusiastically and exited the room.

* * *

Jean Havoc – 4 days, 15 hours, 15 minutes

Aztec Goddess: Like I said, five more to go! I can do this! . . . Eventually.


End file.
